My parents are obsessed with illness

[Porrrly]

Has anyone else’s parents become obsessed with illness and disease?

In the years since turning 60, both of my parents have become obsessed with illness, disease and health. They are continuously paranoid about catching anything, to the extent they will avoid meeting up with family members for a 2 week minimum isolation period to ensure all ‘contagious’ disease is gone. This is incredibly difficult as myself and my brother have little children at school and nursery, so they almost always have some sort of cold.

Additionally, they are constantly googling symptoms and will become sure they are having a stroke / heart attack / cancer and are constantly either at the GP or are at A&E. Even when they are told they don’t have such and such an illness, they will then demand to see NHS consultants or will pay thousands privately to see doctors and specialists.

They cancel plans and meet ups at the last minute, sometimes they just don’t turn up and they don’t even bother telling me at all, until I phone them or speak to my brother and find out they are in A&E again because my dad thinks he’s having a heart attack.

They also wear masks everywhere and are obsessive about hand sanitising.

They’ve now said they aren’t sure about coming for Christmas as my youngest daughter, who is 3, has a cold and they are convinced it might be the new strain of super flu. I’ve already paid for everything and told DH’s family they can’t come as it’s my parents turn this year, so it’s especially maddening.

Is this just a normal part of aging and everyone’s parents get to this stage or is something else going on?

This can often happen as we age... otherwise known as health anxiety.
They also sound a bit depressed which also comes with age in some of us.
Do they get out into the fresh air and walk? Do they still work? Medication and talking therapy could be a better way to achieve less health anxiety.

Mine talk about their illness and doctor's appointments, and how their friends are ill and dying. They talk about it all the time. Started in their mid-60s. Also really difficult to get them to go anywhere with us, although if they commit, they'll show up.

It's tiring and upsetting, and you have my sympathy.

No, it's not normal. I've not met anyone like this. My parents aren't bothered about colds, my grandparents weren't. They just got on with life normally and they only attend the hospital or GP when absolutely necessary. It sounds like they have severe health anxiety.

Well I won’t see 65 again and I hope I don’t do this. They sound old before their time.

Yes, it's normal. I'm 59 and the same. You suddenly start to become aware of your own mortality, how much longer you've got to live and its quite frightening.

Time goes so much quicker at this age, so you are aware that 20 years will go in the blink of an eye.

It’s got worse as they’ve got more tech savvy. They now have watches and gizmos that track heart rate, blood pressure, and if there’s any ‘anomaly’ - which I should add, is according to them - they are straight to A&E. They also seem to spend an excessive amount of time googling symptoms and diseases and becoming convinced they have some really obscure disease that the doctor hasn’t heard of and occurs in one in every billion people.

No , I don't know know anyone who takes their concerns to this degree. Aware of serious illness, yes, but not the rest.

I don't think it is normal. I am 62 and I do think of my own mortality sometimes, but I am not obsessed with illness as described in OP's post. I have been to the GP about three times in the past 8 years.

I think a lot of people over sixty become very mortality aware, inevitably. And it can be kept in perspective, or turn obsessive and anxious, depending upon one’s temperament. It sounds as though your parents are in a folie a deux, exacerbating the situation.

Tell them that they have unwittingly fallen prey to health anxiety, they may not realise.

It’s a very fine line. They accuse doctors who, in their opinion, ‘aren’t taking them seriously’ as gas lighting them.

When I have said their behaviour is bit extreme, I’m told that I have no idea what I’m talking about and aren’t in their bodies feeling their symptoms.

I'm mid sixties. I am assuming that your parents don't work? Are retired? I know it's natural to worry about getting ill - I'm not a huge fan of it myself because it takes so much longer to get over things now. but my life is very busy and I'm out so much that I don't have time to worry about catching things.

I think your DPs might need to get some hobbies. Some interests that take them out of the house and stop them from reinforcing each other's health anxieties. Because if they find themselves less mobile and stuck at home, their health will become their entire topic of conversation (I've seen this happen) and then nobody wants to visit because all the hear about is the poo that they did a few days ago and how they are sure the texture wasn't right... etc etc.

Well, to be fair to them staying away from little kids is the best way to stay healthy this time of year. Nativity plays/carol concerts being the super-spreader events!
I’d just leave them to get on with it OP - they’re adults free to live as they wish, if they're happy to miss out on events thats their choice.

I won't see 60 again and I am definitely not like this. I am acutely aware that my time on this planet is limited, but it actually makes me want to participate more. They sound like they have gone in the opposite direction.

My sister and her husband are in their 70s and cautious, but he does have a heart problem and COPD, and she is also immuno-suppressed, so I can see they have a reason for being cautious.

Your parents are being OTT, but they are clearly anxious about getting ill and dying.

Personally, I would be saying to them that I understand they are being cautious, but they cannot continue to allow this to spoil other people's plans and they need to deal with the anxiety. If they don't come for Christmas as arranged then I would, sadly, leave them out of any future plans. Obviously you would still see them as normal, but don't plan anything that involves any commitment from them. They may come to realise they are being unreasonable.

Sounds like pretty intense health anxiety

They’ve been retired since their fifties, which is something they’ve worked incredibly hard for and was always their goal which they’ve managed to achieve. They have mentioned volunteering / hobbies before, but I think the longer they are sat around doing nothing, the more difficult and distant doing those things becomes…

Do they get out much or mostly confined to being at home. I imagine if they don't their lives have got smaller and smaller so little things become more a big deal. I'd also expect that their algorithms are highlighting these things and feeding the anxiety. I have been a bit like your parents the last few weeks. However I am going through chemotherapy which makes me incredibly anxious about other people's lack of hygiene around illness. The difference being I don't feed every sign and symptom as some mystery disease.

Yes this is it. You suddenly realise you've got more years behind you than in front of you! Especially when you have lost both parents and realise you're next in the firing line! 😬 since turning 60 I've had a couple of friends the same age diagnosed with cancer and I do find myself thinking that could be me next. God I sound a barrel of laughs 😄 I do find going to gym classes and walking the dog in nature help massively with my mood swings!

That’s not normal. My parents are mid 80s and aren’t like that. They rarely see the GP and although aware of their advancing age, they just get on with life. Last year they drove round Spain for a few weeks!

No, not normal.

My parents made sure they had their vaccinations (and would ask if I had received mine) but that is it. They would also ensure they attended check-ups and follow-up appointments but otherwise you often had to prompt them to get things checked out.

Your parents have taken it to another level entirely and risk alienating and/or isolating themselves.
As someone who has just reached 60 myself, I certainly hope I don't turn into "them"!

I also think retiring early has perhaps had the opposite effect, as the people they are mixing with are all mid 70s and older, so they all feed into each others health anxiety and ailments.

...and the bigger the fear of 'catching something' becomes. The only thing you can try is to encourage them out of the house more. The more people they mix with (and don't get ill, and possibly have other people their age teasing them lightly about 'being ill' - there's nothing like being schooled by a ninety year old) the better for them generally. Not just their health but their mental health. Being isolated as a couple isn't good - if one dies unexpectedly the remaining one can lapse into a terrible depression.

I’m their age group and I’m not like that at all. It sounds like they have nothing else to think about.

No, not normal. We’re 68 and 71 and aren’t like this. My DH is still doing 10k races.

Health does come up more in conversation and we have lost friends but we know keeping active, fit and unstressed is the key to a good (and hopefully) long life.

Speak to your DP about how this outlook is ruining the time they do have and depriving them of making memories. And then look with them at diet and lifestyle so they can be sure they’re giving themselves the best chance of staying well.

Unfortunately anxiety itself creates all kinds of symptoms, physically. And relaxation improves all kinds of symptoms. I wonder if for Christmas you could get the some book about Breathing… Patrick someone I think has a good book/course about it.
https://oxygenadvantage.com/products/oxygen-advantage%C2%AE-online-breathing-course-with-patrick-mckeown#:~:text=The%20OA%20Technique%20is%20based,light%2C%20slow%20and%20deep%20breathing.

its a proactive antidote to anxiety and overall health tonic, afaik.

My parents are in their mid 60s and absolutely not like that. My mum still works full time as a teacher so exposed to germy kids all day every day.

My grandmother, who died in her 90s after years of failing heart, rheumatic arthritis and skin cancer, was also not like that and despite all her disabilities was out at least once a week in town on her scooter. Of course we stayed away if someone was truly ill, but she would be heartbroken if we stayed away because of a cough or sniffle - as she got older she was more determined to see relatives and live an active life rather than hide away in fear.