My parents are obsessed with illness

[Porrrly]

Has anyone else’s parents become obsessed with illness and disease?

In the years since turning 60, both of my parents have become obsessed with illness, disease and health. They are continuously paranoid about catching anything, to the extent they will avoid meeting up with family members for a 2 week minimum isolation period to ensure all ‘contagious’ disease is gone. This is incredibly difficult as myself and my brother have little children at school and nursery, so they almost always have some sort of cold.

Additionally, they are constantly googling symptoms and will become sure they are having a stroke / heart attack / cancer and are constantly either at the GP or are at A&E. Even when they are told they don’t have such and such an illness, they will then demand to see NHS consultants or will pay thousands privately to see doctors and specialists.

They cancel plans and meet ups at the last minute, sometimes they just don’t turn up and they don’t even bother telling me at all, until I phone them or speak to my brother and find out they are in A&E again because my dad thinks he’s having a heart attack.

They also wear masks everywhere and are obsessive about hand sanitising.

They’ve now said they aren’t sure about coming for Christmas as my youngest daughter, who is 3, has a cold and they are convinced it might be the new strain of super flu. I’ve already paid for everything and told DH’s family they can’t come as it’s my parents turn this year, so it’s especially maddening.

Is this just a normal part of aging and everyone’s parents get to this stage or is something else going on?

I’m 61. I’m not thinking I’m next in line for the gravestone (how can anyone know that) or worrying about my health. I’m getting on with enjoying life. If anything the fact I can see the time when I’ll be less physically capable is driving me to do more, not less.

My DM always has something going on, every injury seems terminal to her. Some illnesses are really, others exaggerated or non existent. I never know what her true state of health is

My parents are very worried about their health. But they are in their late eighties. Sixty is no age at all, they sound very extreme.

Bloody hell, they're only in their early sixties 😂

Oh and last week she bumped her head, and she's been going on about her impending death ever since (but won't go to dr or A&E to get checked out)

As someone pushing 70, I can guarantee you’ll be the same! Or are you already in your 80s? It freaks you out a bit when your parents die and you realise “shit! I’m next in line- no buffer any more!”
And the reality is that as you get older your friends do too so the conversations about ailments do as well.
The important thing is not to let it dominate life and conversation. You do discuss these things because they are part of your life, but more important is to enjoy and appreciate the good things in your life. Whether you have weeks to live or years to live you have a choice - get busy living or get busy dying. Easy to say, not always easy to do, but it is an active choice.

OP says her parents weren’t strict lockdown adherents after the first one, so it’s not that.

No, what people have challenged you about is the ridiculous ‘next in line for the gravestone’ comment and the idea it’s inevitable to start being anxious about that.

I’m 70 and have a couple of issues which mean I take medication. I’m fit and well, walk, swim, travel etc. I have a full and active life and love spending time with my family and friends. I’m off to a rock concert tonight! I’ll only avoid seeing people if I’ve got a virus and don’t want to pass it on to them.

it sounds like your parents do have health anxiety, my parents were like this.

Wearing masks when out and about is sensible, please don't disparage them for that. Instead you can make sure they are in masks that actually work effectively against airborne viruses: FFP2 rather than surgical or cloth.

It shows they have an awareness of airborne disease transmission. Also if they have had COVID before, they are at increased risk of heart disease and stroke for at least 1 year after, per real world data. Reinfection increases risk - plus risk of dementia, it's also likely oncogenic, so they are just being sensible.

Instead of being annoyed, be supportive. You could invest in HEPA air purifiers for your living/dining room and always ventilate with windows slightly open for when they visit- these are simple measures to reduce airborne viral load (infected people breathe out infectious particles). It'll also benefit your family.

And you could push your children's school to invest in airborne mitigations to reduce transmission between kids, so your children get sick less often www.cleanairforkids.co.uk is a great resource.

I wonder whether they’ll discover the cause and effect is the other way round here? Perhaps health anxiety arises because the brain senses an issue coming…
As you say, needs addressing though.

No but my MIL is obsessed with having antibiotics, got a mild sniffle? Go to the Drs and get ABs, every little thing she thinks you need to have ABs for it, you don't most of the time let your immune system do it's job, I get there are things you need it for but these are really simple things that don't.

God no, they don't ALL get like this - some refuse to acknowledge age / illness / danger in any way at all and keep on doing stuff they shouldn't and refuse to go to the doctor when they bloody well should. Which can be just as maddening in another way. But yes, this sort of thing is quite common in older people. Frustrating, but I don't think there's much you can do except let them live as they choose and try not to let it get to you.

Well I can see both sides here. I am immunosuppressed and have had to have part of a lung removed due to a chronic condition that manifested in my early 50's, The result is that I have all my vaccinations, mask up on flights and hand wash and anti bac regularly when out. I am now suffering from my first cold in nearly two years so I am obviously doing something right. However what for most people would be a mild cold is for me a bigger challenge and always becomes an infection and several weeks and occasionally months of recovery. Any other infection no matter how mild will require early antibiotic intervention. It is a complete pain and of course always more challenging in the winter. I take supplements, walk more than my 10,000 every day, wild swim and do a bit of running too so I am otherwise fit and healthy. I still go on long haul holidays and try not to let it impact my life but, now in my 60's I am always nervous about travelling without antibiotics and anti virals as I know how quickly you can become veery poorly indeed - especially in locations with sparse healthcare. I have also experienced many of my contemporaries being diagnosed with cancer or long term conditions. It does sound like your parents have unfortunately let their worries become overwhelming and it is sad as it will limit what they allow themselves to do. However unless they too have some underlying conditions that make them more susceptible to serious illness I wonder if a word from their GP might provide reassurance. It is easy to be impatient with the worries of the elderly but I suppose it comes with the realisation that time is running down.

I think staying away from people for fear of flu/covid is one thing. annoying but it is their choice - why not see if the inlaws still want to come instead.

Refusing vaccines and wasting the time of GP's and A and E is quite another. Personally I'd be telling then that it's people like them wasting doctors time that is bringing the NHS to it's knees. I'd be really pissed off if that was my parents (who are in their 70's and don't waste doctors time).

Doing what stuff they shouldn’t? Why shouldn’t they? The parents in question are in theory 60s, not 90s! And even then people should be able to make their own decisions. My sister and I, both in our 60s, walked the last 115k of the Camino de Santiago this year. Is this the sort of thing you think we shouldn’t be doing?

Try to get info on local U3A group.
i joined when I divorced and retired (within a year of each other). I am pretty introverted so wasn’t easy to push myself. I joined one interest group I knew I would enjoy and then added to it with further interest groups over next few years.

i have been extremely anxious generally since menopause, and divorce, moving home etc didn’t help. My mum and my maternal grandma both died at young ages (before 60), so I do have a degree of preoccupation with my death and illness (catastrophising symptoms) .

BUT, it is helped by getting out and about, having fun, making friends , simply enjoying the life I have and make plans even in short term. U3A has been a godsend for that.

I think your parents attitude is a little extreme in terms of going to A&E, but I think it isn’t uncommon to fear every new ache, pain, twinge, heart twitter etc . Once you’re past 60. …I find that all the social media and media, and even GPs, go on about how we need to look after ourselves is overwhelming sometimes…few of us live perfect risk free healthy lives in way were supposed to to live long and well. So there’s an element of self inflicted fear and anxiety going on. After 60 you really start racking up meds GPs want youto take, that doesn’t help with anxiety.

I think it comes down to how much they’re preoccupied by this, how much money they’re using on chasing hypochondria, how much of quality life they’re ruining by this preoccupation. if its dominating their life then it’s a problem. If they do other stuff, but all they tlak to you about is their health issues, then I’d suggest they’re in need of conversation around what will happen of either of them do get seriously unwell. Sometimes the fear stops us actually putting some action plans in place to reduce that very fear. They may be talking about the issues and concerns with you, but not actually addressing how to mitigate the effects of getting older with themselves or you

I think it's normal but not ubiquitous. I'm in my mid sixties and still working full time, about to head off for a two week field trip to North Africa which includes camel riding and camping in the desert. I pretty much just ignore all my aches pains and odd symptoms and after a while they go away. Both my mother and my paternal grandmother lived to be over 100, so I don't have much health anxiety.

Never google anything medical is my rule.

The truth is - the illness you're worried about is never the one you get. When you do get ill, survival instinct kicks in and you don't worry as much - you worry more about everyone else. And we only get one life so why waste it.

I got a rare disease in my 30s. I'm cautious but not OTT.

My dad has health anxiety to the point that he has fallen out with family members for avoiding their gatherings. I live at home and have had a cold this week and he has made me stay in my room and carry disinfectant if I’m going downstairs etc.

I run out of sympathy to be honest because somehow that health anxiety never extends to their travels!

Evan Davies raised just that question with the researchers. It’s ongoing but at this point they believe it’s the anxiety and loss of confidence that is the cause. Large study over many years and pretty clear results.

Mum has undiagnosed dementia - still in denial and refusing assessment even though she’s now at the stage where she asked my dad “who was that girl who was here yesterday?” after my visit last week 🥺

Doing whatever we can to stay engaged and confident in our sixties.

I’ll take “girl”, though 😁

Since recovering from cancer in 2016, I’m incredibly relaxed about illness now. Used to be anxious, prior to actually being ill.

My reluctance to go to the doctor with every little ache and pain, late 70s, gets me regular telling offs from my family, when I filled in the medical form when I went for a dental check up the dentist was amazed that I had no regular medication, 'at your age', which nearly got him a slap!

God my dad is off down the doctors every chance he can get! It’s actually maddening

Stop making arrangements with them.
Stop putting anything on hold for them.
Their health is their hobby.
It is beyond dull and tedious but you cannot change them.
Freeze as much food as you can.
So rude and inconsiderate of them.