Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

[winterhaze]

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

A straight no - never a lender or a borrower be! Grief, why do people think they can have others bankroll them!

And in all your responses ...

Do NOT apologise.

No minimising language that could be read as a way in, a weakness, a vulnerability.

So no 'I'm sorry, but ... I'm afraid ... Unfortunately.'

Love to you today at this very difficult time.

The answer is no.

When my father died, I inherited a small amount and one of my so called "friends" at the time kept dropping increasingly more obvious hints about lending her money. She kept telling me how "lucky" I was - my dad had just died!!

Bear in mind this was a woman who was financially irresponsible and would rack up huge credit card bills on designer clothes, holidays abroad, cosmetic procedures and her hair/nails/lashes etc

This went on for months, I ignored the hints until one day she actually came out and asked me for money. She thought I was rolling in it (I wasnt- that money had largely gone on paying off a proportion of my mortgage and the rest saved for my children's future uni fees). I said no, I couldnt and she said it was fine but clearly it wasnt. She got really arsey with me and then proceeded to make digs like "its alright for some" and "must be nice to have money" etc

I havent spoken to her since 2021, cut all contact, and I am so glad. She wasnt a friend and it wasnt until money was involved that I saw her true colours. Unfortunately, money turns some people into vultures and it can be quite shocking if you never saw it before.

Please reply acknowledging her remembering your husbands anniversary.
then say I won’t be supporting you financially friend. I am not in a position to do so.

please don’t say sorry to her for not doing it though like some posters are saying

I honestly don’t think a decent friend would ask to have access to money left to you after your husband passed. They may well let you know they needed some, but they’d wait for you to offer. They’d never, ever put you in such an embarrassing and awkward position. Say no, and don’t feel that you have to apologetically try to explain why. That money is your security, not holiday funding for a friend who fancies travelling but hasn’t saved up to do so.

I'm sorry for your loss. Also appalled by these 'friends'. They are vultures.
Yes, they think that your husband has left you a load of money and clearly they are the very people to spend it on.
There's a simple answer here, 'no'. The slightly longer answer is 'How funny! I was thinking to ask you the same, I'm struggling with needing to pay x or y or z now we don't have Billy's income too.'
Make out that you're just about covering your bills and hopefully they'll leave you alone.

This, I absolutely hate voice notes and the self indulgence of them.. it’s basically “here’s my brain dump”… never listen to them!

Use “don’t” not “can’t”

”no, I don’t do that”

can’t sounds like you have obstacles to doing it. That then prompts further “why cants you” type dialogue, every reason you give as “can’t” Will be questioned or criticised

“don’t” is a falt out refusal in any circumstances. Closes down the whole thing.

but in essence, I agree…don’t give reasons, don’t discuss, don’t make excuses. All of those will be met with a debate.

I’ve learnt over many years “I don’t do that” is an extraordinarily powerful and assertive statement

The answer should always be no. You’re not a bank!

She is not a friend. My very best friend is wealthy and I am not. This is also due to particularly tragic circumstances. I would NEVER make such a request of her. I am so sorry for your loss. Do not lend her the money and consider carefully if you want to stay friends.

You need to tell people you are on the bones of your arse.

It’s absolutely disgusting that these people are trying to get money out of you while you are vulnerable.

You should be booking a holiday for yourself so you have something to look forward to.

Absolutely not! please do not lend/ give this woman money. If she wanted to change she would have taken your advice.

I’d certainly pull them up on such a request on his anniversary.

Then if I actually liked the person and thought their cheek could be explained by their being in a particularly bad place I might (after a few days) ask them exactly what they had in mind so I could tailor my no appropriately.

Lending her money will destroy the friendship. Just say no and leave it at that.

I'll say what I always say.

People with no savings have spent every penny that has ever been through their hands - earned or borrowed. This is how she will treat your money. How would she ever break that lifelong relationship with money and have the discipline to keep some back every month to pay you back afterwards?

People like this do not care about money and they don't care about paying it back. It just doesn't bother them.

OP, if you want to give her money every month for a few months then go ahead, it's your decision. However, if you want to lend her some money you'll probably find you can't, as 'lending' requires her participation in paying it back ❤

It's horrible that she would even ask this of you and put you in this position. She is not your friend.

If you were even considering this in the short term (and I'm glad to see you're not) and could afford to lose the money, then it would still be a really terrible idea. Because it will go on forever, not just a vague "few months." She will quit her job and then be unable (or "unable") to find another one. And she will play the poor-me card, and assume it's your responsibility to continue bankrolling her indefinitely. If you stop then you will be "making her homeless, and how could any decent person do that?!" You will either be massively guilt tripped, or be stuck with her as a dependant forever.

So please never start giving her financial support. As far as she's concerned, there will never be a good reason for you to stop. She feels completely entitled to your money.

I am so sorry that not only have you lost your husband but that your friend thinks it's a good time to ponce cash off you. I lost my dad 4 months ago and someone asked me how much I would inherit and if they could get a loan!! People really lose their manners where money is concerned. It's very ugly that they consider your loss an opportunity.

I voted YABU in response to you even considering supporting your negative Nancy friend.

I am so sorry for your loss and you inconsiderate friend is not deserving of your help - no matter how long you’ve known her for. Let her sort her own life out. You may need the money for your own care or medical expenses.

I can’t imagine in any circumstance asking a friend to fund my lifestyle choices. Beyond rude.
I’m glad your answer is no, OP. She should never have put you in this position, that’s not a friend.

She’s asked for money for selfish reasons
she didn’t acknowledge how difficult today could be for you
she didn’t give you the courtesy/respect to ask you face to face but sent a voicenote!

block her. She has shown you a startling lack of compassion and understanding.

No.
You are not responsible for her.
You will never see the money again.

" Sorry but the answer is no , it will always be no so there is nothing more to say about it "

So sorry for your loss @winterhaze 3 years is no time at all.

Sorry also that you have such an insensitive and cheeky so-called friend. I can’t believe anyone would have the gall to ask that.

You need to shut her down now and for any future requests. Say to her it’s a definite no and say you’d appreciate it if she never asked again. Don’t include the word “sorry” in your reply, because you shouldn’t be sorry.

This is well put. Combine with the previous one. What a cheeky fucker she is!

Hard no to the ‘friend’.
Please give yourself a big hug xx