Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

[winterhaze]

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

@binkie163

That's truly awful! I lost my dad recently too. Can't imagine how horrible it must be to have people trying to take advantage in such circumstances.

(Do you have rabbits?)

So sorry for your loss . And definitely say no. I don’t think she thinks of you as a friend any more, just someone who is rich. She’s clearly been building up to this for a long time. It’s so sad that your bereavement prompted this reaction in her. If she no longer sees you as a real person with real feelings she may be less likely to pay you back.

Poor you, to get this on the anniversary of your husband. My commiserations, grief is ongoing but you really don't need this today of all days.

Personally, I would literally ignore your friend's message. Silence is sometimes far far more powerful than saying anything

💐

I’m very sorry for your loss, but please say no. When my Mum did a friend of mine thought I should let her live in my Mum’s house, rent free, for an indefinite period of time. Yes, she was in a financial mess but this was all of her own making. Your “friend” sound similar.

Sorry for your loss
What a parasite you friend is

I’m sorry for your loss.
Can’t believe the bare faced cheek of your ‘friend.’ What a nerve. You’re not a bank, fgs.

I couldn’t be friends with her anymore.
Focus on yourself from now on. 22 years is a long time I know, but I wouldn’t spend another 22 seconds on the cheeky mare!
Either cut her off, or fade her out. If you still want to see her, shut down any money talk, ands split bills for cuppas etc.
I hope you have as nice a Christmas as possible.

You could reply with something lighthearted like, ‘Ha, Phylis, if I had that sort of money to burn I’d be quitting my job and going on a world tour myself!’

How absolutely appalling of her.
I would 100% be rethinking that friendship and others.
So glad to read that it is a resounding No to her.
Bloody hell, 3 years is nothing in grieving terms.

I'm so sorry OP - this was a totally inappropriate ask on her part. If she really thinks you have money from the passing of your husband and expects you to spend that on her then she's no friend, because a friend would NEVER expect another to fund their lifestyle in that manner. She's a user looking for an opportunity, and she doesn't care at all for your loss or grief.

I would respond with a very short message - something like 'I'm not in a position to financially support another person'. I would personally then block (or at least mute & archive her chat, so you only have to engage on your terms). In my opinion she's ruined the friendship with this ask.

If you don't want to block her I would still reduce contact and keep her at arms length for a bit, to protect yourself from her trying to apply any pressure on you to change your mind.

I've never heard anything quite like that. When I read the title I thought it was going to be that your friend had met with some sort of misfortune and needed tiding over until she was back on her feet, not that she just can't be arsed with work and wants to loaf about a bit. What a leech!

I have an old friend, priort to her husbands passing they offered (I didn't ask) me a loan, I declined as just felt wrong (we knew at that stage about the illness).

I share everything with this friend but just a gut feel that getting involved financially is never a good idea, unless it was an emergency of not being able to feed a child.

In her 'defense' is she peri menopausal and not thinking straight?

Sorry for your loss OP. I think you just have to say whilst you value the friendship you will not be lending money as all your money is spoken for

Just NOOOOO! You don’t know what your own future will be like and what financial commitments you may need money
Don't let anyone guilt trip you into giving this money away - you know you’ll never get it back don’t you?

Just say ‘why would I do that? You are an adult’.

A simple
No I can't help you with that

Never ever ever lend money to friends or family unless you want to loose it and the friendship too. Yanbu. No no no!!! Also I'll distance myself from this insensitive friend.

Stop! Not all women are incapable of rational thought during the menopause, never mind ante and post.
We syndromise (?) too much as it is, and end up appearing on paper as one long list of ineluctable pathologies which rule our reason!

This woman spotted an exploitable opportunity in OP’s loss, and leapt at it. Unless she was blind drunk when the approach was made, not a lot excuses it.

What a cheek. Absolutely unreal. Tell her no.
Tell her nothing else except no. No explanation necessary.
If she asks for one tell her it's none of her business why you are saying no, it's not her money to inquire about.
She's a total CF. 22 yrs? Sounds like you've endured her for the last few at least.
Don't try to make sense of her logic.
Nice that these people are showing you what they are, don't ignore what they are showing you. Phase them out of your life unless you really think you're getting something out of these relationships that's worthwhile for you.

As they say on MN - ''No'' is a complete sentence.

Say No.

But your friend must be in a bad way even to think it’s a reasonable request.

You will lose the money and the friend
dont don’t do it

Hear hear! 👏👏

This 100%

If you want to give her some money, then do so, but never lend it. Whatever you give her you will not be getting back. The fact that she wants it for nothing in particular that will help her situation is a massive red flag. The other issue is that if you give her some money, she will very likely ask you for more, it might even become a problem.

Money can drastically change the dynamics of a relationship. If I was to help out a friend I would want it to be for something specific, like a car to get to work. I wouldn't expect to get it back, and I would make it clear that it's a one-off.

OP: You ‘don’t know what to say…’?

Let me help. The correct response is ‘No!’ 😀