Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

[winterhaze]

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

If you don't want to help her financially (and there's absolutely no reason why you should) could you sugar the pill by offering to help her budget for a trip, or offering to help plan it? Is she intending to rent out her flat? You could help her to declutter to get it ready for tenants, but only if you're inclined to do that; you are under no obligation.

Gosh, I wouldn't be doing ANY of that if a supposed friend asked me to sub a holiday for months away, when I had lost my husband in the last couple of years. Why does the OP need to sugar the pill? She won't want help to plan the trip, she only wants the dosh.
The friend is brazen, rude and appears to have no consideration for the OP.

I'd never dream of putting a friend in this position. How can she possibly think that you should subsidise her in a lifestyle choice? She sounds like a truly insensitive person who doesn't consider others at all, except where they can facilitate her.
Just because you've known her 22 years doesn't change that. A long friendship and a good friendship are not always the same. Though we sometimes mistake the two through habit and sentiment. I'd tell her no, and I'd see her differently after this.

Just say no.

Do not offer an explaination.

If she persists, she is not your friend.

Do not allow her to emotionally blackmail you.

All we know for sure about the friend is that she's single, unhappy, and has asked if OP would be willing to offer financial help. It does sound more like she's after a gift than a loan but she hasn't been very clear. We don't know what her plans are because she hasn't said that either.

Are you sure you haven't just known her for 22 years rather than being your friend? Her being so self-absorbed when you became a widow, then coming to you as a cash out (plus, any friend I had that long wouldn't have detailed financial info about me, but they'd know I wasn't in a position to support an adult...) Don't feel guilty, just be honest, and enjoy your real friends and maybe look into making a few new ones. Happy Holidays!

Reply ONCE and with no 'I'm sorry but' or 'I wish I could' in your response. A simple "Mary, I am not in a position to offer you any financial assistance but I wish you well". Then ignore any future messages asking for money.

Remember JADE. Never "Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain".

"No sorry I wouldnt be able to afford to do that"

If your friends family and bank wont help her.. theres a reason

I had similar - friendship not nearly as long though. She knew I had a sizeable inheritance from a parent and made much of how she would never be able to buy more than a small flat on her earnings and how unfair it was. Then suggested she move to my county and become my housemate while she looked for a job nearby. Nope. Then suggested we buy somewhere together, using my money for the deposit. Hard nope. All the time going on about how she hated her job, her living situation etc but never doing anything to change it.

There were other examples but I realised she saw me as a cashpoint rather than a friend. She was bloody hard work at times but never quite made the connection that she was the common denominator in all her crises.

She has tried to contact me since, apparently having done some reflection, but it left a very unpleasant taste and I have not replied.

@DPotter it’s iron clad and allocated in such a way it will drive them round the bend if they outlive me!

@LadyKedleston they get a mention. Not one they’ll like!

@SleafordSods I’m hale and hearty and no sign of relapse, thank you!

@grinchmcgrinchface there are some surprises for them in there!

I am sorry to hear about your dad as well. No rabbits but do have wild hare in our fields. It's really distasteful that some people think death/inheritance is some sort of communal lottery win!

“I am deeply shocked and saddened by your audacious request, today of all days.
What on earth is it about me that makes you think it’s feasible to ask me to work to support you, while you go off travelling the world ?
Please tell me you were joking.”

@binkie163 yes indeed!

I asked about rabbits because they "binkie" when they're happy:)

Wishing you peace

Well, OP is of the opinion that the plan is quitting her employment, and going off travelling, just as she has been saying she’d like to do, and here’s OP with her supposed bankroll which only the loss of her husband afforded her.
But even if no such larks are envisaged, I’d still indict this friend. Her presumption about what’s appropriate here is beyond the Pale.

In addition to saying no, I would be asking your friend what it is that makes her think you are in a position to support her financially? (Let alone be willing to!). I'd be interested to hear the response.
And tbh I don't think your friend sounds like she particularly brings much to your life, just from your post - but then 22 years is a very long friendship. Is this unexpected? Out of character? I'd just be questioning the reasons, the motive etc.

I think your friends believe you're loaded due to your late husband's death and are unfortunately taking advantage. I'm so sorry for your loss.

A perfect response!

NO - you will never see the money again and you will lose this friend because she won't repay it. Friends do not put friends in this position.

I would just say no, I can't do that, sorry. In fact, I probably would not even respond to a voice note at all, as I really hate them at the best of times. It's beyond cheeky to ask someone to fund your life while you go and do something you want but can't afford. If you don't want to be really blunt, then just don't respond but just send her messages about normal things instead.

I'm not entirely sure that she has been there for you at all

The answer is No.

Distance yourself (unless she does it for you)

Out of interest, how did the 'interior designer' friend take your refusal?

I’m a widow too, everyone assumes we are loaded. I’d say no as well.

I’m sorry for your loss.

She is a CF and you need to shut it down straight away.

I would reply saying - no sorry, I am not in a position to help you financially. If I was then I wouldn’t still work FT.

A big fat NO. Not a chance.

What i suspect will happen is your friendship will fizzle out if you say no.

If you say yes, your friendship will fizzle out too but you will be down ££ and feel resentful because you was a mug and taken advantage of.

Sounds like she’s been prepping you for this in advance, decided you’re loaded after your DH passed and was loading you with all those manipulative messages etc in attempt to make you feel sorry and guilty.

If you say yes, can you please add me to your support list too, i too want to go travelling for a few months. Thank you in advance.

Say no. Just "No, sorry, I can’t do that." If she has the nerve to ask why not, "I'm not going to go into details of my finances, but I can’t do that."

Giving or lending her money, except in a real crisis, would be a sure way of creating awkwardness and spoiling a friendship forever.

You have to say no. No good ever comes from helping others financially - except through donations to charity. I learned the hard way why wealthy people seem so stingy with their family and friends. Don’t do it. Just say no.

Oh bless you, winterhaze. You seem like a kind person.

I cannot imagine asking a friend to support me, however close. When I was younger (many years ago), a couple of friends helped me out of a hole and I was grateful. I hadn't asked them, they just became aware and wanted to help. They told me to forget it too!

When my situation was better, I paid them both back and treated them to something. They were extremely touched but I was particularly grateful as they had both said they didn't expect the money back because they didn't need it. However, I needed to repay them and felt better for doing so. Nobody else knew anything about it.

I've been helpful to others from time to time, discreetly, but my view is never give more than you can afford not to have returned. That makes sense, Even rich people, which I am not and you've said you're not, aren't usually bottomless pits and nobody should be allowed to take advantage of someone else because they are friends and better off. It doesn't do them any good anyway and they might make a habit of it.

In your place I'd give her something for Christmas, as generous as you can afford but not over the top; make it clear you can't commit to anything more, certainly not long term. She'll appreciate that and hopefully won't be asking again. Sometimes even a little can make a big difference.

Does your friend remember it is the anniversary of your husband's death? People generally don't (I too am widowed). I doubt she meant to be insensitive. You have my sympathy, winterhaze. We travel a difficult road. x

That is an extraordinary request. I've never heard of anyone asking that of a friend. Absolutely not. I'm not sure how I'd react though, because I would be so take aback