Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

[winterhaze]

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

I would say no very clearly and without softening it with polite language or reasons. It needs to be very clear she was out of order to ask. And step right back from the friendship, replying minimally. I don't think I'd feel I could trust her and would suspect she'd be building up to asking me again.

Something along the lines of:

No, I won't be doing that. Best of luck.

Unless you can afford to write it off I’d say no.

I think, like others, she thinks you’re ok for money. Just put her straight and say you don’t have the funds.

sorry for your loss OP. People have no idea how crap life is after losing a husband 💐

The friend also exposed her very venal attitude to this friendship, if she views her widowed friend OP as a likely ‘touch’ for such a trivial and self-indulgent reason, and at such a time.

I’d say ‘Help’ doesn’t even enter the thing, as the woman is certainly not oppressed by care or lack. OP oughtn’t be cast as a friend who is pondering the withholding of any assistance. She has been asked for a sackful of free spending money, for larks.
Therefore, if her response to this dilemma (which is surely no such thing) were refusal, and that shatters the friendship, then so be it.
It is entirely on this chancer, who was perhaps even relying on this very apprehension on OP’s part. It is not on OP at all.

No it absolutely not ok to ask a friend for financial help - especially this situation.

What on earth is ok about asking a widowed friend to bankroll swanning off travelling?

It’s not 50% on the friend and it’s not a dilemma for the OP - it’s 100% on the friend for being so shameless

Say - ‘I know it’s been tough for you and I do empathise and I feel really uncomfortable saying this, but I’m going to have to say no. I’m not in a position to do that. I hope you can find another solution’

Sorry for your loss OP.
I'd help an old friend if they needed money short term if they had had some sort of crisis, like illness in the family or a large customer for their business unexpectedly delaying payment of an invoice say, but absolutely not for some vague idea like this.
This really doesn't show your friend in a good light, they've clearly been thinking a lot about your finances!
I have an old friend who I still appreciate who sadly never seems to take any good advice from anyone and always ends up in a muddle, but she would never expect a free ride off her friends.
Like others have said OP. I'd shut this down straightaway and try not to make excuses, she may latch on to these to try to persuade you.

It's moments like this that you take stock of your friendships, even long-standing ones and decide if they're a positive in your life.

I'd be kicking this one to the kerb, pronto. She's awful and you deserve better.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

Sounds as if she’s been moaning to you for years, OP. You say she’s sometimes been there for you, but how often, compared with all the times she’s used you to dump her self-pity on? A very one-sided ‘friendship’. Is she really a friend, or just someone you’ve got used to putting up with?

Needless to say, don’t give or lend her any money!

I would actually ignore the voice notes and just pretend I hadn't listened to it. See if she follows it up with another. Also agree with pp that she's not even asking for a loan, she's asking for the money outright. shocking behaviour

Tell her to re-educate herself and work self-employed. Then she can travel wherever she wants. Under no circumstances should you give her any money shes a ponce.

I’m just going to say, you should be so grateful this happened. You need to step away from nutcase who is not your friend. She has revealed herself. She is a parasite. Don’t try to figure it out.

Sorry for your loss. I hope you are surrounded by decent people from now on x

Only if that ‘bad way’ were an immediate need to pay for an illegally harvested kidney which would save her life.
Failing that degree of distress, she had a bloody nerve of think of OP as a justifiable alternative to a bank loan or a remortgage.

So sorry for your loss x Take care of yourself.
Can you reply lightly with something like ‘Wouldn’t it be great to be able to afford to just take off for a few months. I won’t be able to help you with that, but if you find the resources please let me know how it goes’

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died last year and it amazes me the number of people who feel it is ok to ask about my finances and whether

Erm not sure this is a friendship tbh just because 22 years yet a friendship gives to you aswell and im not hearing it. And nope if they can't sort themselves financially at this age there's a serious problem. Go meet some new people a true friend would never even ask

Sorry, I voted wrong. I put YABU because I thought it meant unreasonable to consider it.
She is unreasonable and selfish to ask.
Sorry for your loss OP x

I think I would ignore the request since it’s so outrageously rude. If she brings it up again, say: you want me to continue to work full time and subsidise your lifestyle? I can’t believe you’re asking. Of course not.

It’s just not how things work.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request

Cheeky fuckery. She's shown her colours with this.

I'm in my late 50s. I have friends that I have known since childhood. None of us have ever asked each other for money. Emotional support yes. Financial advice? Possibly. Actual exchange of cash? Never.
Tell said friend you will not support her. Not can't, won't.

Sorry for your loss, @winterhaze

First post nails it. Close it down unequivocally without excuses or explanations.

She sounds completely flakey and I doubt you’d ever get any money back.

Her request is bizarre. I have no doubt there are millions of people who would like to give up work and go travelling for a while completely funded by someone else. She can dream big all she wants but shouldn’t expect someone else to pay. Don’t feel guilty.

I lent money to someone I completely trusted. It changed our relationship irrevocably. They professed massive gratitude and agreed an amount to be paid back monthly. Of course it didn't happen (one reason or a other...)

I'd never lend to anyone and certainly not someone who cared so little to not realise what a difficult time of year it is for you

I know. The entitlement is so breathtaking, it is creepy: I want to be lazy in luxury - my bereaved friend can just hand over the cash to make this happen.

God loves a trier, eh. I know you are going to say no @winterhaze but I think giving this ‘friend’ the bum’s rush is appropriate too.

I envy those who are naive enough to think the friend must be desperate to ask such a mad thing. They’ve clearly never encountered an entitled cheeky fucker in the wild.

In the last ten years I’ve had relatives and ex friends ask me to:
Buy them a house - pay deposit and mortgage and sign it over to them once the loan is cleared.
GIVE them my own house.
Put a child through uni. The child in question was 5 at the time but they thought I could start saving towards it.

The only desperation was to get as easy a ride as they could blag through life without having to work hard or make and sacrifices.

Exactly!
I can't imagine any reasonable person asking a friend, even if the friend was loaded, to fund them for a few months, especially when it's because they want to doss around rather than work.

No why would you even feel the slightest bit obliged .