Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

[winterhaze]

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

I think the OP will lose the friendship either way.

If she does hand over money she is unlikely to see any of it again and it could be difficult watching her “D”F enjoy spending her money.

If the OP doesn’t hand over any money then she will always know that her “D”F tried to exploit her whilst she was grieving.

Sadly it looks like the end of the relationship but the OP does have the choice of ending the relationship and keeping her money.

Sometimes OP people can real who they are at the most unexpected of moments. As they always say on MN, she’s shown you who she is, believe her.

I would be suggesting to my friend of 20 years, why don't we go on holiday somewhere together ?

Would you be interested in suggesting that instead ?

I wouldn’t even ask my parents to financially support me for a few months never mind a friend.

personally OP, she sounds draining, you have lost your DH I would distance myself from this ‘friend’ personally x

Also sorry for your loss

"A friend that I have known for 22 years ..."
That puts her in the category of 'old friend'. That doesn't mean she is a 'good friend' or even a 'current friend'. She is someone you were friends with a long time ago, and are still in touch with.

"I respect that she's been there for me over the years ..."
Uh-huh ...
But, she "was often complaining about the state of her life" when "I was going through in the early days of grief".

I can't be the only one starting to sing Janet Jackson's What have you done for me lately? in the back of my head, can I?

You feel beholden to this woman because you have known her a long time, and in the early days she was an actual friend. But that was then, and this is now. I'd wonder when she moved from friend to acquaintance - I suspect quite some years ago, these things tend to happen without us really noticing, don't they? And she hasn't been there for you at all since the passing of your husband has she? She's an acquaintance, not a friend.

Don't feel you owe this acquaintance anything - and by 'anything' I'm including continued acquaintanceship and caring about how she takes a 'no'. She is insensitive at best, but I'm inclined to think selfish and self-absorbed is closer to the mark. Expecting an acquaintance to fund her desired lifestyle is just beyond the pale.

Take your time and don't respond until you're ready to—if at all. If I understand correctly, she has a habit of disappearing for a while or ignoring messages she doesn't have a good reply for. You can do the same, especially on such a difficult anniversary.

When the time comes, I think I'd be a bit blunt. Tell her that you don't have the financial security required to be supporting anyone but yourself. You're still recovering from the loss of your husband, and losing him didn't magically make you wealthy. I'd also mention that, if anything, you need to save harder than you might have expected to need to do before his death, because he won't be there to help support you in the future.

One more thing. Just because someone has been a friend for a long time doesn't mean they have to be a friend forever. If she's changed, or you've changed, or you're seeing another side of her that doesn't fit into your life, you're allowed to cut back or even cut off. It sounds like she's a drain on you emotionally, already, and now she's hoping to become a drain on your finances. I wouldn't have much patience for her, at this point. You can still keep in touch, but maybe it's time to fade out of one another's lives a bit. Not all friends are worth keeping that close.

Absolutely not. And I wouldn’t feel bad about refusing.

I too am sorry for your loss.

There's nothing in your post that suggests you'd like to help your friend financially, and you're under no obligation. It's nice to help your friends if you genuinely want to, but if you don't then no one's making you.

The dilemma then is how to say no without affecting the friendship. This depends at least 50% on your friend. It's ok to ask a friend for help but only if it's ok if you don't get it. Your friend didn't help herself by not giving you specifics.

I don't think it's a good idea to bring up savings

That's outrageous for her to ask you that. Please dont even consider it, just tell her no.

If she wants to quit her job and travel for a few months then she needs to save up for it. No reasonable person would expect a friend to fund that.

Maybe not, but quite frankly, I wouldn't be keeping this 'friend', so wouldn't care if she knew I wasn't without two pennies to rub together before cutting her loose. Most people have at least a little saved, so it's hardly suggesting you're rolling in cash to admit you've tucked some of it away. It sounds like the friend knows OP has a little money to even ask if she can support her.

I agree. Her outlandish request doesn’t deserve any form of apology at all. She should be the one apologising for being a cunt.

No don’t do it. You won’t get it back and she shouldn’t have asked you for money.
During 2008 financial crisis we were totally broke with constant threatening phone calls, bailiffs etc. I had financially well off friends and wouldn’t have asked them for money. I don’t think they ever knew how bad things were.
She needs to find extra work or ask family for support. It’s not your place as a friend to finance her. TBH I would distance myself a bit after this.

Nope, nope, nopity nope. The entitlement and cheeky fuckery of both these so-called friends is breathtaking. You need all YOUR money to look after yourself, as you are on your own. You don't have to explain yourself or give any details of your financial situation to anybody, just say "No, I'd rather not do that, and please don't ask again." If that's not good enough, drop them.

'My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months'

Fuck me, wouldn't we all! 😂

Mine would tell me no even though they could probably afford it for a couple of months atleast ,and I'm a only child 😩.
It's a bizarre request from a friend .

This woman is not your friend, she’s a cf. If you gave this woman money, you wouldn’t see it again because her entitlement would be used as permission to renege on any promise. This woman is a parasite.

So very sorry for your loss. X agree with all pp's.

Im sorry for your loss,im a widow and understand something of what you may be feeling.
I have been asked for financial support from friends and family.
Some i chose to help when i was able,some i said no to.
At the end of the day only you can decide what you want to do here.
I would not assist this "friend" as i think it unreasonable for her to ask you for a want rather than an emergency need. Do you think she knows you are vulnerable and is trying to take advantage of you?
I would advise you to say no in this instance.

Seriously???

You've got to be trolling?

Just no OP, I’m sorry for the loss of your DH.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I hope That today is as gentle as can be.

I don’t think a friend should make you feel like this, or ask this of you. Don’t let the 22 years confuse you about her behaviour and intentions now. It’s hard to end friendships that long however if they aren’t a positive force in your life then it isn’t worth it for the history you’ve had

She was once a friend, but people change - and 22 years can see a lot of changing. She doesn’t sound like the friend she perhaps once was. Don’t feel guilty at all about not only not giving her money, but also starting to fade away from the friendship. She sounds dreadfully selfish for having put you in this position.

Does she think you have more money than you actually do? The only reason I can think of for such an outrageous request, is that you had a large insurance pay-out or inheritance, to the tune of 100s of 1000s of £££. Even then it would be bloody cheeky. The fact that your other friend asked for an investment suggests they all think you’re minted.