To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

Absolutely everything @Catza said @KHMP1971

Your lack of self esteem and self worth shines through your post. You need to get some support for this and stop focusing on looks..

I think you are wrongly blaming genetics- make peace with choices in life and you will happier. You spent 8 years in the wrong relationship (forgive that) and then a number of years raising children.

What you look for in a relationship changes as you get older. It's more about a best friend and companion and quality of life. Most of the time you're saying would you like a cup of tea.

My DF is not a conventionally good looking man. But he has a partner who is on the face of it glam in how she dresses. They met in their 50s and now in 60s and 70s, share affection, animals, laughs etc. He actually never had a photo of himself online but somehow they struck up a convo, talked, eventually he sent a photo and she turned him down, agreed to meet for a coffee as she said let's be friends then she saw him and decided he was the one.

OP I have always had self esteem issues andI know how hard it is to turn off that voice in your head saying untrue things about you. But remember those things are just thoughts, your thoughts - they are not facts, and certainly not what anyone else is thinking about you.

I don’t agree that there is just one measure of “attractive”, okay there is the conventionally attractive “look” but that doesn’t mean anyone who doesn’t match that = horrible ugly monster!

You seem to be quite obsessed with physical appearance OP but have you considered that actually your ex might just be better suited to this person, for reasons that have nothing to do with looks? Most people would say husband is more attractive than my last boyfriend before him, maybe that’s true, but it’s absolutely not the reason I’m with him, married him & had children with him. I knew he was “the one” to commit to and build a life with because where I am be stressed he can be calm, he is kind, he loves me for just who I am, we have a lot in common and also have our own interests, he is patient, I knew he would make an amazing husband and father- THOSE things are why I chose to build a life with him, and yes he happens to be more attractive but that truly is irrelevant.

Here’s a hypothetical - what if your ex had left you for a short, ginger, slightly tubby woman. ie me?
What would you be saying about yourself in that case?
Please get some therapy, or at least read the books pp have mentioned. Sending un- mn hugs.

This is really sad OP. You've written yourself off. These men treated you horribly, it's not because of your looks. Get out there, it's not too late xxx

It is unfair because you are using her as a comparator; ditto Charlotte Gainsburg.
I am sorry but I also think it is buying into the kind of male misogynistic culture where women are only valued for their looks. This is also unfair. It is sexist and demeaning because women are multi-faceted people with personalities. And it is no less sexist and demeaning when a woman does it to berate herself. It is damaging to other women. Please value yourself.

God knows what you’d make of me then.
Im in my forties and was born 4 months early and one side of my face hadn’t developed fully.
This has resulted in the left side of my face having a piece of jaw missing, an ear that is smaller on one side, a massive scar running down my cheek and I’m blind on that side too. I also have half an iris in that eye and muscle weakness meaning the lid doesn’t fully open.
Hot stuff huh?!?
YABU OP, Love has nothing to do with looks. I’m happily married with children and I’ve had plenty of boyfriends and sex throughout my life.
Im fully aware I’m not a stunner, but I’m caring, funny and despite my abnormalities loveable. You need to work on how you view the world and yourself.

It’s quite clear you have a lot going for you. If you dont know that then you should probably find a therapist and may look at antidepressants.

Is this supposed to make me feel better?

It isn't just always misogynistic culture though. Men choose women for various reasons but physical attraction is a large part of it. Its why he loved his new wife romantically but not me. I'm just highlighting that.

I've had a terrible time romantically speaking with men lots of rejection and heartbreak most likely due to my looks.

It's different for men. Women can fall in love with personality character humour etc even if the man Is not attractive but men are very visual.

Sounds more like you’ve been unlucky and ended up with horrible men - one abusive and the other stringing you along until someone “better” comes along.

It can’t do your self-esteem any good at all.

Nine pages in and I am more and more convinced that it has little to do with your looks. You have fixed ideas, low self-esteem, you are not open to alternative possibilities and, I imagine, this makes it quite hard for someone to enjoy your company. There, I said it...

And yes, it is meant to make you feel better. Because there is nothing you can do about your looks but there is loads you can do about how you relate to the world.

Are you on social media? Look up Julienhimself on Instagram. It's a good starting point for anyone struggling with being stuck in self-deprecation cycle.

OP it sounds like your ex-husband was a bastard who purposely destroyed your self-esteem and you accepted the idea that you were not attractive based on his nonsense.

Basing your happiness and self-worth on men and how they view you is a losing game anyway in general.

I would focus instead on all the positives in your life ( your health, your kids, your friends, work and so on) and create your own happiness.

You might meet someone or you might not but life can be good either way.

Also remember that there are plenty of beautiful women out there who are cheated on and are in awful relationships. Being pretty does not automatically equals to finding and keeping real love.

She’s in a choir.

I think therapy may help. You have very fixed ideas of what men like (dainty blondes with long legs, no-one else will even get an 'in' because men are visual) which would be worth exploring.

Beauty is subjective and although there are societal conventions of beauty lots of men have different types. Personality and confidence count for an awful lot. This seems to all be based on your ex and his wife which clearly hurt.

I wonder if you are finding some comfort in thinking it's something out of your control ('genetics' 'looks') rather than accepting the tougher idea that he fell in love for a whole host of reasons with someone else. Long-term focusing too much on looks could be damaging for you. Like retreating into a shell for comfort and not coming out. That would be a mistake- you have children, your health, a solid singing voice - it would just be a waste of your life to dwell on perceived negatives instead of enjoying yourself.

How awful of you. What I posted is true.

You keep repeating things like “I’m not pretty” “my genetics” “I’m not special enough” etc. Next time you go out shopping or to a cafe or whatever, take a good hard look at the couples around you.

How many of them are fantastic looking? How many of the women are slim, with a mane of glossy hair and perfect symmetrical faces? My bet is you’ll see couples of every shape and size, with strange faces, big noses, long chins, receding chins, lumpy figures, tiny eyes, big protruding eyes, wrinkles, frizzy hair, odd expressions, bald heads, and so on. Some may be attractive, many will have a lovely smile, but most will be ordinary. Lots of them will seem perfectly happy, or at least content, with each other.

Actual beauty is vanishingly rare. But almost everyone will be attractive to someone with a little effort, and that will include you. Real attraction and real love have nothing to do with conventional good looks (other than for the very young and very shallow!)

OP, what was your relationship with your parents like?
I believe that the core beliefs we develop about ourselves in the first days, weeks, months, years define how we perceive ourselves, other people and the world.
The core beliefs we develop at that age, are largely dictated by how our parents see themselves and how they see you

Yes - a church choir. She might get more benefit from joining a bigger choir or choral society where she’ll meet new people.

I do find you are really digging your heels in this is about looks, and looks may attract someone, and you have done this, attracted men, but it’s personality that keeps them.

And yes it should make you feel better. As if it’s personality it’s fixable. And you don’t seem to have even considered grooming has a lot to do with appearance and and you can improve your appearance. For you it’s a done deal.

nearly every single post is about your ex;s wife. It feels like an utter obsession. it’s clear you’ve not moved on from him and you’re heavily focused on what she looks like, totally ignoring that her appearance maybe why he got with her, but it sure as hell isn’t why he married her.

you need to stop focusing on this woman, it is not healthy.

They don't though. I'm your age and taller and definitely not dainty. I don't have any problem attracting men.

As others have said, this isn't a looks issue - it's a self-esteem one.

Obviously I haven't "moved on" I'm not even sure what that means at this point. I still miss him terribly. I am fully entitled to my hurt and dont have to switch it off because it's existence inconveniences their fairytale.

Your post suggested that she has qualities I don't have which was quite hurtful. I don't beleive that is the case. I can acknowledge she's more attractive and younger and more accomplished as a singer than me, but I will NOT acknowledge she is somehow a better person or would make a better partner, mother or wife than me.

Because that's not true.

Do you have a pretty face though? Men will forgive a lot if you do.

I don't. Hence the problem.