Page 8 | To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

KHMP1971 · 2025-12-20T06:24:40+00:00

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive). I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone. He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on". Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless. My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for. I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself. I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive). I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it. And most men I encounter are married anyway. How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

Charlenedickens · 20/12/2025 12:23

Op, the truth is much of perceived attraction is about presentation and grooming. Flattering Make up, clothes to flatter our bodies and with a nod to modern, good hair, cut, coloured if required/wanted and a flattering style.

you sound like your self esteem is in the toilet. So why not focus on getting some nice flattering clothes you feel good in, some lovely make up to emphasis the bits you like on your face, be it eyes, eyebrows, skin, cheekbones, have your hair done. Not to attract a man, but to help with your own self esteem, if you feel you look better it may give you confidence.

I’d put a lot of money your ex’s wife a lot of her perceived attractiveness is down to how she presents herself, with clothes to enhance the good bits and hide the flaws, make up, to highlight cheekbones, widen eyes, hide imperfections, make skin dewy etc, and hair cut and coloured in a flattering way,

if you don’t like your body, and a size 14 at 5ft 8 is a good body, then go on a diet, eat healthy nutricious food on it, lots of water, and start an exercise program.

So instead of ruminating about your perceived lack of attractiveness, focus on how to get your appearance to where you feel good about yourself.

cramptramp · 20/12/2025 12:26

I don’t know if you’re ugly or not OP but plenty of ugly people have successful loving relationships. It’s nothing to do with looks.

Original poster

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 12:27

Sophie12312 · 20/12/2025 11:50

@KHMP1971 my two big relationships were with conventionally attractive men, both with 6 packs, 6ft 5. Im a size 18. I was adored. Didn't work out, not because of my looks though!

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You probably have a pretty face though. I don't. My face is awful. Men care more about faces in my opinion. I'm just pointing out that I don't have a fabulous body to make up for it.3

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Original poster

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 12:29

SoScarletItWas · 20/12/2025 11:56

I’m 54, 5’ 9”, long dark hair and the best I’d say was that I am ‘striking’. I am more Anjelica Houston than Dakota Johnson so definitely a bit scary of nose and chin in the wrong light.

I will never be a dainty pretty blonde. But what I have is charisma and confidence and I get a lot of glances and attention from men as a result. I’ve never struggled to get a partner and have been happily married for years. Most of the men who check me out are VERY average or even unattractive in a purely physical sense.

Yes, some men are superficial and drawn purely to looks. Some men want a pretty blonde. Passion and infatuation doesn’t always last, by the way - you only have to read the 17 threads a day on here about cheating partners to know that.

You may find now that you’re older that men your age are looking for more than ‘someone to have children with’ and that opens up a whole field. You will have to put yourself out there to find them, though - the deep love you are looking for isn’t going to walk through your front door.

I've been told I look a bit like Charlotte Gainsbourg which I hate. I don't care if shes "Jolie-Laide" I've never met a man who actually thinks she looks attractive. Maybe French men do who knows but not in the UK. And actually she's probably better looking than me.

My ex's wife is stereotypical dainty pretty chocolate box type blonde.

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Charlenedickens · 20/12/2025 12:34

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 12:29

I've been told I look a bit like Charlotte Gainsbourg which I hate. I don't care if shes "Jolie-Laide" I've never met a man who actually thinks she looks attractive. Maybe French men do who knows but not in the UK. And actually she's probably better looking than me.

My ex's wife is stereotypical dainty pretty chocolate box type blonde.

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wow, Charlotte gainsburg is not remotely unattractive ans is in a long term relationship with an attractive man and has 3 kids. Your perception is really off.

Original poster

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 12:35

Charlenedickens · 20/12/2025 12:23

Op, the truth is much of perceived attraction is about presentation and grooming. Flattering Make up, clothes to flatter our bodies and with a nod to modern, good hair, cut, coloured if required/wanted and a flattering style.

you sound like your self esteem is in the toilet. So why not focus on getting some nice flattering clothes you feel good in, some lovely make up to emphasis the bits you like on your face, be it eyes, eyebrows, skin, cheekbones, have your hair done. Not to attract a man, but to help with your own self esteem, if you feel you look better it may give you confidence.

I’d put a lot of money your ex’s wife a lot of her perceived attractiveness is down to how she presents herself, with clothes to enhance the good bits and hide the flaws, make up, to highlight cheekbones, widen eyes, hide imperfections, make skin dewy etc, and hair cut and coloured in a flattering way,

if you don’t like your body, and a size 14 at 5ft 8 is a good body, then go on a diet, eat healthy nutricious food on it, lots of water, and start an exercise program.

So instead of ruminating about your perceived lack of attractiveness, focus on how to get your appearance to where you feel good about yourself.

No she has blue eyes blonde hair lovely skin an delicate oval face and very pretty features. She never wears makeup. She doesn't need to. She's a natural beauty.

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Jugendstiel · 20/12/2025 12:37

Charlenedickens · 20/12/2025 12:34

wow, Charlotte gainsburg is not remotely unattractive ans is in a long term relationship with an attractive man and has 3 kids. Your perception is really off.

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She isn't chocolate box pretty, she is phenomenally sexy. Both work.

Everleigh13 · 20/12/2025 12:37

Charlotte Gainsbourg is not remotely ugly. She is attractive.

I think attitude is a lot more important than you think OP. Your husband most likely told you he settled because he knew it would hurt you and play into your insecurities.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/12/2025 12:37

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 12:29

I've been told I look a bit like Charlotte Gainsbourg which I hate. I don't care if shes "Jolie-Laide" I've never met a man who actually thinks she looks attractive. Maybe French men do who knows but not in the UK. And actually she's probably better looking than me.

My ex's wife is stereotypical dainty pretty chocolate box type blonde.

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You’re just being annoying now.

Original poster

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 12:38

Charlenedickens · 20/12/2025 12:34

wow, Charlotte gainsburg is not remotely unattractive ans is in a long term relationship with an attractive man and has 3 kids. Your perception is really off.

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Honestly only women say she's not unattractive. Every man I've asked says she's quite ugly. She has very strong almost mannish features. She is also a very successful musician/actress and the daughter of two celebrities which probably helped her find someone.

And she also looks a lot better than me.

She is also very tall with long legs and a model physique (skinny etc) as I've pointed out I don't have this.

My resemblance to her is just hair and eye colour and a similarity around the nose and mouth shape. I must have some distant French ancestry because she's the only person I've ever seen with a similar shape to mine. Many people think I dont look British. Well I am.

I know I'm very down on myself. I am going to look into counselling in the new year. But honestly I'm not attractive. My problem has been perhaps not acknowledging this. I need to worm towards it in the new year.

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Holdonforsummer · 20/12/2025 12:41

You’re not really listening to all the posters telling you that your self obsession with your perceived looks is probably the thing stopping you from finding live. You just keep digging yourself in deeper!

Original poster

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 12:43

Jugendstiel · 20/12/2025 12:37

She isn't chocolate box pretty, she is phenomenally sexy. Both work.

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She's sexy as she has a fabulous body. I dont have that. Nor do i have her charisma. It's more her nose and mouth shape which is similar plus hair and eye colour. I'm nownehere near as attractive as her.

My exs wife is the kind of curvy blonde dream girl all men long for.

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EarthAndInstinct · 20/12/2025 12:44

ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/12/2025 12:37

You’re just being annoying now.

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😂

Holdonforsummer · 20/12/2025 12:46

Argh!

Everleigh13 · 20/12/2025 12:47

Obviously all men don’t long for exactly the same kind of woman, in the same way as women find different men attractive. Only you can stop telling yourself this kind of unhelpful nonsense.

SoScarletItWas · 20/12/2025 12:51

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 12:43

She's sexy as she has a fabulous body. I dont have that. Nor do i have her charisma. It's more her nose and mouth shape which is similar plus hair and eye colour. I'm nownehere near as attractive as her.

My exs wife is the kind of curvy blonde dream girl all men long for.

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Well ‘all men’ clearly do NOT long for this type of woman otherwise I (and the others posting) would be lifelong single.

Do I feel like a heifer standing next to a 5’ 3 blonde doll? Yes. Can I do anything about it? Nope. I embrace my fabulous posture and stride on by.

Your idea to work on your self esteem in the new year is the right one. You’re holding some unhelpful nonsense beliefs.

Charlotte Gainsbourg ugly. Come off it!

Member869894 · 20/12/2025 12:52

The only thing holding you back is you . Please work on your self esteem, stop comparing yourself to others and perhaps seek some counselling and / or antidepressants

ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/12/2025 12:52

My exs wife is the kind of curvy blonde dream girl all men long for.

🙄

TheCoolFawn · 20/12/2025 12:56

You have got to stop comparing yourself
to your ex’s new wife. Nothing good is coming from that constant comparison. Please, for your own sanity.

QBTheRoundestOfBees · 20/12/2025 12:57

Counselling is a good idea.
Try and focus on what you want and what you do which is positive and great, and not perceived shortcomings. And please stop comparing yourself to other women, and by doing so, rating their attractiveness. That is very unhealthy and also unfair to these women who are just living their lives.

figsarethefruitofheaven · 20/12/2025 13:07

RunMeOver · 20/12/2025 09:56

I actually find it a bit heartless and counterproductive when people lament not having a love life because they're not attractive and others basically deny the problem, either telling them they are (having never seen them) or that it doesn't matter (when it obviously does). The first step in dealing with a problem - whether that means finding a solution or finding acceptance - is admitting that the problem exists.

Having said that, there is one thing I notice that I have often seen from other women making the same complaint: you've said a lot about your face but little or nothing about your body.

You're right, and women generally are right, that men are very driven by looks. But they're often wrong about what men's priorities are within that. Most men are far more concerned about body then facial attractiveness, and many (not all) primarily about tits and general curvaceousness rather than the super-controlled model-type slimness women are told to aspire to by the media.

Another thing: Maybe your ex DID leave you primarily because his new GF was more attractive, and maybe that's objectively so. But all that means is exactly what it says: there's one particular woman out there who is more attractive than you are. Even if you could nail down physical attractiveness to a univerally agreed objective scale, that would still be true of every single woman in the world except one.

You've spun a story around that, loading onto it a whole lot of generalisation that is not inherent in the fact itself. We all do this with our experiences to try and make sense of the world and make the future more predictable. But the other side of that is that in doing so, we impose limitations upon it. If you want to escape those limitations, you need to be willing to consider other possible stories.

Huge difference between dismissing OP saying "it doesnt matter"- which it obviously does to her and saying you cant find love if you arent model gorgeous.

It IS a fact that you dont have to be a supermodel to find love. As I said earlier, if this were the case, then noone who wasnt a looker would be in a relationship and there are average looking couples literally everywhere you go. You can see them out and about every time you leave the house.

I know people who arent conventionally attractive at all and yet are with partners who adore them. I also know very attractive women (one of my best friends is like this) who cant find love. It's simply not true that you have to be "beautiful" to find a decent relationship.

Original poster

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 13:15

QBTheRoundestOfBees · 20/12/2025 12:57

Counselling is a good idea.
Try and focus on what you want and what you do which is positive and great, and not perceived shortcomings. And please stop comparing yourself to other women, and by doing so, rating their attractiveness. That is very unhealthy and also unfair to these women who are just living their lives.

How is it unfair? I haven't criticised her. She is with him as she's more attractive and she's very fortunate in her genetics just as I was not lucky in mine, that's all. I haven't said anything against her.

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Original poster

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 13:16

jeaux90 · 20/12/2025 12:17

OP what strikes me is you are still very sad about the lost relationship. Grief feel’s stifling, like you are wrapped in clingfilm.

I do know the temptation to go over the past, but it’s done, there really is no benefit to keep exploring the reasons or pain.

I am 54, lone parent for 15 years. I have found a partner in the last few years. I remember the loneliness when DD16 was younger, this sounds weird, but I let myself embrace it, really feel it. Eventually it turned into a really good feeling of peace, of good boundaries and being comfortable in my own skin. I read The Power of Now, it stopped my mind escaping to the past.

We are not defined by relationships with men. But what I think was good in my solitude was knowing that I am ok, it helped me raise my bar, so when I did meet my partner I didn’t have to compromise myself for a shit relationship.

You sound lovely, a great parent and friend.

Thankyou so much. I needed to read this. It means a lot to me. :)

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seaelephant · 20/12/2025 13:17

do you really think love is only for attractive people?

Original poster

KHMP1971 · 20/12/2025 13:20

5128gap · 20/12/2025 10:17

I think you need to seperate your opinion of your appearance from history of relationships and future prospects. Because while it's true that the more conventionally attractive you are the more men will be interested in you on sight, appearance is of much less importance when it comes to finding and keeping a partner than you think.
Appearance is just the first step to get started. After that it's about compatibility.
Your two partners didn't find your appearance a barrier to 'getting started', so why would it have become the reason they wanted to end?
Your first partner may well be speaking the truth, he went for a partner he considered a similar 'level' looks wise as himself. So what? Many of us do, we are just not cruel enough to weaponise that to insult our partner.
Your second relationship failed because he was younger and wanted a similar age partner. This would no doubt have been the case had the younger woman been less attractive than you once he'd decided he wanted to marry a same age woman.
From your description, you sound like most of us. An average looking woman who is clearly able to attract men should she wish to. You've just had two failed relationships, again, like many women, both plain and beautiful.
If you want to try again then there is no reason why you won't find a man interested in you. The hard part tends to be finding one you'd actually want.

My ex didn't go for a similar age partner. She's 11 years his junior.

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