To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

I understood that's what was meant. I struggle.however with time (I have two jobs and a 15 year old at home - DS is at uni now). I live in a rural area and bigger choirs require a bit more travelling plus I'm not always free for their rehearsals. DD only sees her dad on weekends and I don't have anyone else to help out so I'm limited to which days I can go to rehearsals on at the moment.

I only joined this one as the music director heard me singing at the church and said how much he liked my voice. I wouldn't have otherwise.

Maybe when DD is older I will.

How do you know it’s not true? You don’t know her. Or they might simply be better suited than you two were. That tends to be why people stay together.

Also, he’s a cheater. So, therefore, trash. But let’s not dwell on that.

You seem to want the problem to be your looks, as if you are forced to do some introspection and realise it’s actually your character and/or personality, you’ll be forced to do some work on yourself. As opposed to hiding behind ‘genetics’. It’s lazy and self indulgent at this point.

Ordinary looking people find love every day. If you’ve ever been outside, the existence of the majority of couples makes this crystal clear.

But, yes, ignore the hundreds of comments saying this to you. You are fully entitled to feel your hurt. Nurture and polish it for years. That’ll be much more useful.

Firstly you dont know my character. You dont know me other than this very sad post which I made after I woke up early crying and missing me ex. You know nothing about me and certainly dont know that I have a poor character or not. You're suggesting that I somehow have a deficit in my personality or character which required tp be "worked" on (and implying that'd why he left). And also implying she doesn't have this deficit. You absolutely do not know this. Or anything about me. Yes this post is full of sadness and self pity as that's what I currently feel. But it doesn't say anything of my character. I just can't say some of these things to people I know. They expect me to be feeling better by now.

They may be better suited although when he first met her he denied any interest as "she's totally not my type of person" so I have no idea. I know that he's a quiet brooding introvert who has always found extroverts exhausting and disliked talkative women whereas she is very talkative and extrovert- complete opposite. Totally not someone I would have imagined him with and I can only imagine they would clash constantly but perhaps it's an opposites thing. He and I were more similar. Quieter, more introverted.

She's somewhat of a local celebrity type very attractive and popular and he's very concerned with what peoppe think of him so that might have something to do with it. I have no idea how well they go together.

I'd be curious to know what kind of "introspection" and "work" you beleive I need as you seem to be an authority on the subject...

OP, if you’re looking for clues as to why you’re single, your posts on this thread, (and not what you see in the mirror) are what you need to focus on.

Get some counselling!

Unlike you, she doesnt hate how she looks and talks down about herself. Clearly youre in a bad space so no one wants to upset you, but you are extremely determined to fail op. I really hope your daughter doesnt see this.

Yeah, none of that has any bearing on what I said in that comment. If you think it does, read said comment again.

I don’t need to know you to know that:

• You don’t know he’s with her because of her looks, but have been stating it as fact throughout this thread.
• The suggestion that it might be something other than her looks that he preferred is ‘deeply hurtful’ to you. You can accept that she’s more attractive, but not that.
• Ordinary looking to unattractive people find love every day. This is demonstrably the case to anyone who has ever been outside and has eyes.
• Despite all this, you are refusing to accept the fact and are bemoaning the fact that your appearance excludes you from real love.
• The issue isn’t your appearance (see above re ordinary looking people finding love every day), so it’s clearly something else.

Figure out what that something is (the introspection) and work on it (the work). Or continue to cry about a man who cheated on you and does not want you. As you are ‘entitled to your hurt’. Obvs totally up to you.

Because you are suggesting I have a poor or inferior character. That is not fair.

Not every man prefers blondes. It’s not true, it’s you thinking it. Yes your ex got with a blonde but that’s it. You are right not to date as you are unstable and need to work on yourself. You seem to focusing on blondes and short and petite , none of which you are or ever will be. Your ex isn’t coming back either. I’m sorry to be blunt but you need to accept he isn’t coming back. Get some therapy in the new year and work on yourself and your boundaries. Being tall, brunette and curvy is nothing to be ashamed off and certainly doesn’t make us ugly.

It's possible your ex didnt realise he'd enjoy being in a relationship with an extrovert, and a confident and chatty one at that. It is most likely that he decided to marry her due to her personality rather than looks alone. It isn't a character (or aesthetic) flaw in you that he ultimately didn't believe you both to be compatible longterm.

I do think therapy would be good for you to embrace, grieve and process the end of your last relationship. Until this happens you won't be in the right space to find someone new.

Attractiveness has so many components, and genetics is only a small factor. I've encountered so many attractive women who aren't textbook pretty - you can be striking/handsome/elegant/sexy/captivating even with tiny eyes, a massive nose and whatever other features you consider to not be pretty. The sexiest thing on earth is confidence - especially when it's a quiet and humble confidence, one where someone is simply comfortable in their own skin

Again, that is not a response to what I have written. You are choosing not to engage with what I (and several others) have written, as it’s inconvenient. That is an active choice.

I will not be repeating myself. Good luck with it all.

Some self-reflection is needed here. You can't be yelling at posters and telling them "you don't know me!" Well, nor do you know the ex's wife! But yet you've built up a whole profile of her in your head. You seem absolutely obsessed with her, in fact. Who knows why he is now with her?

Jesus, many moons ago my partner left me for someone I thought was absolutely hideous in every way, and this was when he and I had just had a baby! By 54 years of age, you should know that there is no accounting for taste, and that people will surprise and shock you every day with their choices. But that's just it. It's his CHOICE. He did not choose you. He is with her. You need to get over this. It can be done.

I'm not ugly and have never experienced mutual love either, OP. My not being ugly didn't stop my exH from walking out on me because I wasn't thin enough for him.

You just need to find someone for whom looks aren't the main thing. They do exist. Some people really do put character first.

And I'm sure you're not ugly anyway!!!

Whatever your looks, confidence is VERY attractive.

ETA: Just look at all the beautiful Hollywood actresses who get cheated on and left, Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock, to name just two.☹️

This suggests there is something wrong with me which I need to "work" on rather than he preferred her because of looks or indeed personality. That's not fair. You don't know me.

That's what I meant.

It should make you feel better because simply being incompatible with someone does not at all mean there is anything wrong with you- just that they are not the person for you.

Taking my last boyfriend before my husband again as an example he was a great man, no glaring red flags, no big drama or upset to end the relationship, no hard feelings, we just weren’t compatible long term. Different views on things, different communication styles, different lifestyles, quite similar in some ways so didn’t balance each other out- that’s not to say I was right and he was wrong, we were just different, so he was wrong for me. He’s now also happily married with a child, not cast aside forever more!

Equally I am lucky to have a couple of really amazing male friends in my life who have been for years, amazing men, truly great people, I have a real laugh with them and would trust them with my life, but there has never been a romantic interest there, I just don’t see them in that way despite the fact they are great people. No one person in the world is compatible with every single person in the world, regardless of physical appearance.

He never said anything about us being wrong for each other or not compatible until he met her. It was only then he started to say it.

This might not be a popular view, but I suspect most men are incapable of romantic love in the way you want to experience. My romantic life is very similar to yours, except I didn't even manage to find a boyfriend after my divorce. But I'm definitely not ugly. I just think men can quite often be disappointing.

My ex husband also settled for me, but not because of my looks. I was a good looking woman, but below him in respect of social class. Once he matured, he left me for someone who wasn't an embarrassment socially.

He said you weren’t compatible because he wanted the other woman and you need to accept it . He didn’t and doesn’t want you .

Which makes sense, because sometimes you don’t know what is missing or doesn’t work until you find it and go “actually, yeah I do want that”.

It’s not great, but again it doesn’t mean there is anything fundamentally wrong with you, he’s just not the right person for you.

Yes I know he wanted her and not me.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to tell me this?

Are you just being deliberately hurtful?

Some self-reflection is needed here. You can't be yelling at posters and telling them "you don't know me!" Well, nor do you know the ex's wife!

Yeah, she’s not going to engage with that. Apparently, suggesting that he might prefer his wife for something other than looks is ‘unfair’. As is any suggestion of self reflection.

It must be about looks.

Jesus Christ.

He never really committed. I also wasn't what his parents wanted (older, divorced etc). But i did truly love him and I felt he loved me I just dont think I was ever enough for him. I think it was probably looks as she's a lot more attractive than me but it could also have been her extrovert personality (which was surprising).

I know that i was bullied about my looks from a teenager, called the ugly girl, boys at school would kick and punch me and tell me to get plastic surgery. My adult dating life wss most unrequited crushes on men who didn't want me - sometimes they liked me a lot as a friend but I was just not attractive enough for them. At least three men I fell for this way rejected me and then married pretty blondes.

My ex husband accepted me but he was as I have said emotionally abusive and I had no choice but to leave. When I met my ex it just felt ... like this was a final wonderful chance.

I accept its over for me now. Contrary to what some posters are saying I fully am aware he doesn't want me and isn't coming back. It's just the acceptance which is hard and missing him. It comes in waves. My birthday and this coming Christmas is very difficult and I've been crying a lot. It's my second Christmas without him.

@KHMP1971
How do you explain my situation then op, if love really is about looks?

Christmas is a terrible time of year for the broken hearted. It will get easier when it's over.

I don't know.