To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

I blame Disney TBH OP. We grew up in a time where from a young age we were told our Prince would come and that no matter how shitty our childhood was we'd grow up to find the perfect man that would swoop in and save us from it all.

I believe you when you say you're less attractive, why would you lie? Not everyone is equally attractive and people are always going to be generally more attracted to people who are more attractive (especially men IMO). The thing is even if you're desperately attractive you can still end up with a man who treats you like shit. I'm fairly middling I guess and after 25 years I was told by OH that he had never been attracted to me, never loved me and the whole relationship was a sham. That says much more about him then it does about me though as far as I'm concerned.

I think you need to realise you were sold a lie, those fairytales you grew up on were just that - fairytales. Life is much hasher and much less fair than that and love and even friendships are often not as great, as easy or as long lasting as you might hope.

Be happy with yourself and enjoy right now with the people who are around you right now. Concentrate on yourself and your kids

I don't think I was ever in love with him truly but he liked me and seemed a nice man with a fun and engaging personality.

As a plain or below average woman you don't have the benefits of loads of men to choose from/men hassling you for dates (Ive seen this happen to pretty friends). You are mostly ignored. If someone shows interest you give them a chance unless they're really awful. He wasn't.

Unfortunately over the years we were together he revealed himself as a very ugly person inside.

I did that after leaving my ex husband in 2017.

Men are attracted to confidence. If you believe you are plain, you will feel plain and look plain. If you believe you are gorgeous, you will look and feel gorgeous. I was pretty when I was younger but my looks didn't age well. I am now very very plain. Genuinely - grey-skinned, puddingy featured, tiny mouth, wrinkly face, chubby body, very fat legs. Unless I decide I am gorgeous. Then I put on make up and do my hair and smile to reduce my wrinkles and stand tall and dress in clothes that accentuate my best features. Then I get noticed.

Honestly OP, stop saying you are ugly. Because no good can come if it ever. It's like having the school bully living in your head.

Instead, take a look at your best features (you are tall - lucky you!) and make the absolute most of them. If you have good legs or good boobs or a slim waist, make sure you wear clothes that show this. Improve your posture so you stand really tall, shoulders back, stomach tucked in, and walk with energy. There are features that make everyone look better with a bit of care - get your brows shaped, make sure your hair is well cut and glossy, look after your nails, mositurise your skin and add some light foundation to even it, some lip colour to plump your lips and give them definition and look up eye makeup videos online to enlarge the look of small eyes. You will look and feel far better. Then, once these things are normal everyday self care, stop focusing on your looks and focus on everything else that is fantastic about you and that adds energy and positivity in your life. You will be happier for it, whether you meet a new man or not.

I have been doing therapy after a divorce (40 years married).

I have worked out my ex was a narcissist and never really loved me. My single parent mother had her own problems, and didn’t have time or love for any of her children.

I was very pretty but I also feel I’ve never know the sort of love that you are speaking about. So it isn’t just your face that makes all the difference.

It may feel easier to blame just one aspect (physical attractiveness), but it is never that simple. Also by blaming something that you feel you can never change, you also take away from yourself the ability to change things for the better.

I agree many men are influenced by physical attractiveness, but not all - and I’d suggest dating sites are not the best way to see the positive side of men. I believe they attract a certain type of man that many women on this site despair of.

If you want a more positive outlook, I’m afraid I think you need to change your thinking.

It’s been difficult for me to realise that I haven’t been loved for myself. Therapy showed me that due to my upbringing I was the perfect target for a narcissist’s manipulations.

I deal with this by thinking that I have just been unlucky, and I know my only adult child loves me.

But I could argue that if I hadn’t been so pretty, I wouldn’t have been prey to a narcissist because they only want a partner that makes them look good. So you see, , I could argue the opposite.

Maybe because I’m older, I count my blessings and strive to live my new life well, because that’s really all we can do.

Id’s always advise therapy, but if that not possible there’s many self help books and online articles.

I am sympathetic to your situation, but you can’t change the past, and your future happiness will depend on your mindset. Being the ‘victim’ doesn’t help - I been there and know that from experience.

Thankyou. I can't say how traumatic it has been. From rhe very first moment he started talking about her. She was a family friend of his "They want me to go to X's recital. I am not going - I wish they'd stop asking" to "well maybe I should go. It's rude to keep saying no"... I saw it happen before my eyes and it broke me inside. He was months denying it before he admitted he was interested in her. And then attempted to cut me off completely. I still go over and over it. He blamed me said our relationship was unhealthy etc etc but then at the very end said that he never saw me as The One and she was. So I don't know what to beleive now.

Also @KHMP1971 - just to add - you have a son at Uni and aDD with a great hobby. This is good. Congrats. Feel proud.

Next year - diary in "organising your birthday" a month before. No one does it for you. Organise a small or large dinner/ outing with one or many friends. You have to do this when you're single - it's ok! Put aside a little money and then buy yourself a treat - something you love xxx

I'm not tall in an attractive way as I've said. I am not skinny, model long legs territory. I am around a size 12-14 as I've put on weight since the breakup (was previously a 10) as I was not really eating well and also age related (we put on weight after menopause). My waist has kind of disappeared.

I don't have amazing legs. They're kind of short/normal length as I thinks my height is more in my torso.

Men in my experience much prefer smaller, daintier women. I've never experienced anyone saying my height was attractive because it's the wrong type of tall. Skinny with long legs is the attractive type of tall.

OP, I understand you're feeling down, but you're allowing yourself to buy into this narrative to a frankly ludicrous extent if you can type that about your ex's wife with any degree of sincerely held belief.

If you really believe that men are only interested in looks, then I would gently suggest that you aren't having much luck dating because you assume every man you meet is a shallow, vacuous idiot and that probably comes across.

If I went on a date with someone who assumed I valued looks above anything else, it wouldn't go anywhere.

And if I spent time with someone who assumed that anyone who wasn't attractive would never experience true mutual love, I'd potentially feel pretty offended (I'm no oil painting, but I'm funny and kind and a good friend and partner.)

By blaming your looks for your current situation, you're effectively writing yourself off on the basis of something you can't do anything about. But if you're really honest with yourself, you know that you are more than your exterior appearance, and you can find a fulfilling relationship, but you have to be vulnerable as part of that process, which is really hard.

Also, those dicks didn't treat you badly because you're ugly, they treated you badly because they're dicks.

You've had two long term relationships and you have two children. There has been and still is love in your life. Life isn't a Hallmark Christmas movie.
I get that you're depressed and struggling, but the most unattractive thing from your description is your self pity. I'd love to be your height and weight, and I'm sure others would too!
I don't think you're in the right place for a new relationship just now anyway. You need to get happy for yourself (and your dc)

My height only is a benefit if you are skinny with long legs honestly. Men do not like women my height if they don't have long legs or a sexy body.

I have a friend of 5'3" who constantly points our how "Big" I am and how I am "as big as most men' and I am.

I would love a nose job but it's sadly not affordable for me.

I'm about a size 14. I've gone up from a 10.

This. You have the love of your children and animals, you are healthy. There is so much to be thankful for. I actually don’t believe in romantic love long term anyway- it’s a fiction no matter how beautiful you are.

I have no idea what you look like but I bet you're not ugly, that's just your perception of yourself. Just because you don't look like a model, doesn't mean you're unattractive. It just means you're not a model.

Plenty of people across the looks spectrum find love, love is more than physical good looks... it's a deep connection. I've fallen in love with people who are not conventionally attractive too and whilst I was in love with them I found them to be physically attractive- that's what the love hormones do.

I don't think it's too late, but I also think there's more to life than romance. Even if you fell head over heels for someone, and them for you, that romantic phase wears off.

Trouble is, although there's plenty of decent men out there, there's not enough to go round.

Also a lot of men have wives from abroad. When I started a job with a cohort of 40 new recruits, a good half of the men had wives from Malaysia, the Philippines etc. Not saying they shouldn't, that's totally their choice. But it makes it harder for women in the UK to find partners. That's the reality unfortunately.

But if a partner is what you really want, yoh need to make the most of your looks, get out there and meet new people.

Well, I am 5 inches shorter than you and also size 12-14. I can guarantee you my legs are worse than your legs. I've always had massive legs and swollen knees, even when I was size 6-8 in my twenties. So it would be impossible for you to look worse in certain clothes than I do, as you are clearly taller and slimmer than me. But I can scrub up well, and so can you!

I decided to stop hating myself for my many imperfections. You can too. Doesn't help anyone, least of all you.

I know if I met you I would see strengths in your looks that you maybe take for granted, and that you could accentuate them. The way you are talking about yourself is so completely dismissive and critical, that you are not leaving any space for a positive thought to slip in. I really hope you decide to change that.

Wouldn't worry about your unhelpful 5"3 friend, she's just projecting, but she is being rude and you can tell her to stop. I agree with the poster who says 'The way you are talking about yourself is so completely dismissive and critical, that you are not leaving any space for a positive thought to slip in', or any positive interactions. Christmas is one of the absolute worst times of the year for loneliness and I feel for you. I hope you can concentrate on spending time with your children, if they're not too caught up in being teenagers, and kind of hunker down for Christmas but then in the new year you need to be able to refocus how you think about yourself, which I understand is much easier said than done, but it will reward you.

I agree with the PPs that say that you need to work in yourself - and self esteem but also you need to find a way to be grateful for what you have.

Im an average looking girl, and I have some friends that are stunning, can pull any man - and sometimes what I see is lust and not love and those relationships are short lived yet still heartbreaking. I also have friends that maybe you wouldn’t call “pretty” but honestly are the best people I know and I always find that shines through and some of them are in happy relationships.

I also know that depression and low mood and a sucky personality can be a drain on a marriage (The experience I have of this is PND where I wasn’t myself but I can see how that slows down a relationship).

So please work on you OP. Your daughter deserves so have a happy mum. And to know that she can do and achieve anything with the life, body, face, tools that she has been given.

Also, if you want to be celebrated in your birthday, plan something. I spent years just having small birthdays with maybe just 1 person, and appreciated that - but it was my choice. There was a year I realised I wanted to be closer with my friends so I invited them over for a birthday dinner. It was a small number but it grows.

Focus on you, focus on friendships, focus on your daughter - I spent lockdown with mine and she was about 7 - she’s awsome, and I love her company. Sometimes it is lonely being a single parent, but start building your small village.

I actually stopped talking to her. She was always rubbing it my face.

Good! What a weirdo, glad to hear it!

@KHMP1971 my two big relationships were with conventionally attractive men, both with 6 packs, 6ft 5. Im a size 18. I was adored. Didn't work out, not because of my looks though!

There is always someone younger and more attractive. Always! Whatever your age.

Your exes were attracted enough to you to stay with you for a long time. Lust fades and is replaced by love, but you also get to work out if you are compatible or not. If a relationship breaks up, when there haven’t been obvious red flags, it’s not anyone fault normally. It just hasn’t worked out.

Your ex is still in the early stages of lust. It has no bearing on you and doesn’t reflect on you. It may or may not last long term.

Love yourself. If you can’t do that, how can you expect others to?

Ignore the one who said he settled. he sounds an awful man and you can’t trust what he said anyway. he was out to wound you with his words, which were not necessarily true.

I’m 54, 5’ 9”, long dark hair and the best I’d say was that I am ‘striking’. I am more Anjelica Houston than Dakota Johnson so definitely a bit scary of nose and chin in the wrong light.

I will never be a dainty pretty blonde. But what I have is charisma and confidence and I get a lot of glances and attention from men as a result. I’ve never struggled to get a partner and have been happily married for years. Most of the men who check me out are VERY average or even unattractive in a purely physical sense.

Yes, some men are superficial and drawn purely to looks. Some men want a pretty blonde. Passion and infatuation doesn’t always last, by the way - you only have to read the 17 threads a day on here about cheating partners to know that.

You may find now that you’re older that men your age are looking for more than ‘someone to have children with’ and that opens up a whole field. You will have to put yourself out there to find them, though - the deep love you are looking for isn’t going to walk through your front door.

OP what strikes me is you are still very sad about the lost relationship. Grief feel’s stifling, like you are wrapped in clingfilm.

I do know the temptation to go over the past, but it’s done, there really is no benefit to keep exploring the reasons or pain.

I am 54, lone parent for 15 years. I have found a partner in the last few years. I remember the loneliness when DD16 was younger, this sounds weird, but I let myself embrace it, really feel it. Eventually it turned into a really good feeling of peace, of good boundaries and being comfortable in my own skin. I read The Power of Now, it stopped my mind escaping to the past.

We are not defined by relationships with men. But what I think was good in my solitude was knowing that I am ok, it helped me raise my bar, so when I did meet my partner I didn’t have to compromise myself for a shit relationship.

You sound lovely, a great parent and friend.