To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

No one is being hurtful but you keep going back to it. You weren’t his person and that’s why he wouldn’t commit to you. He committed to her because she is the one for him. It isn’t about looks. Sometimes relationships don’t work out , that doesn’t make a person ugly it just means that the other person is better .

Why did you post in AIBU when you don't want to hear you are indeed BU? I'm not going to repeat the plentiful good advice you've already had, but instead ask:

When did you last treat yourself?

What works for me at the end of a relationship is to allow myself a self-pity and wallowing period for a set amount of time (e.g. 1 week or 1 month) but then move on to the 'fuck you' phase, treat myself, have some fun.

Also, pets are cheaper and more loving than men.

No person is "better" than another.

I'm not sure how to switch off feelings of grief. Its great that you can however.

As I said I am busy and have a lot of responsibilities. Money is tight and I prioritise my children. But I am enjoying singing with the choir and have bought a lovely dress to wear to sing on Christmas Day.

You were seeing a younger man, who decided to commit to a woman closer to his age (younger) who by your admission is objectively (“significantly more”) attractive. It can’t come as a huge shock?

Is it not a compliment that this younger man stayed around with you for so many years? He must have found you attractive.

It is not personal. Maybe they had better chemistry or he wants children?

I hope my situation makes you challenge your way of thinking.
I have been heartbroken before, most adults have and it’s a shit feeling.
One in particular, was a situation where a boyfriend left me for someone else, she was beautiful. Was that the reason he left me, who knows but does it matter really?
My advice to anyone going through similar is to distract yourself with other things, delete social media if you are using it to look up him/her and give it time.
The fact you can’t explain my situation tells me that you know you are wrong. Or do you believe my husband is lying when he tells me he loves me, abnormalities and all?

I don't know your situation what you look like what your husband values etc. I also find people can be more forgiving about some imperfections than others.

I can only relate my experiences.

Yes they are. Clearly he felt that she was better for him in ways you weren’t. It’s been a few years now. Get some therapy and find someone else

Better for him is not what you said. You said "better"

Yes she's more attractive and appealing than me but not better as a person or more worthy of love.

And the whole point of this post is that I am not able to "find someone else"". You are just coming across as spiteful.

You seem very defensive and I wonder why. Perhaps you're a wife wanting to beleive that your husband sees you better than his exes? Noone is better. Even my ex said that when he was leaving me.

Sorry you are feeling and experiencing this OP. But lots of people who aren't conventionally attractive are in relationships, it looks to me like there's someone for everyone ultimately. I don't mean to be flippant OP, I mean that you probably shouldn't write yourself off completely. I know that life circumstances can make it difficult in practice.
It sounds like that last relationship really knocked your confidence, as it would anyone's.

Thankyou for understanding. I've been through it many times before but this was the hardest of all.

I just feel very sad that it never happened for me. He was a last chance.

So youd rather sit and think you cant do anything? That it’s all about looks and you can just moan and give up?

Your personality isnt ‘wrong’ its just different. And yes you need to work on your self esteem that is a problem.

He was not a ‘last chance.’ But Im going to bow out now as it’s quite clear youve decided to give up and only read what you want to hear.

It was unfair to suggest that I was "wrong" or flawed in some way. Perhaps he preferred her being an extrovert but that doesn't mean I need to "work" on anything.

Well of course a wife believes a husband sees her as better than her exes. In his eyes. He married her. It’s odd you think this is an issue. Almost everyone sees their partner as better than their ex.

I think you need therapy. You’re reducing everything to looks, despite almost everyone on this thread telling you that’s not how love works. It’s not as simple as that.

Aww my darling I’m not bitter. In fact I’m in a very happy relationship and don’t need to think he prefers me to an ex. Please get the help you need and move on. This isn’t Normal. And my post meant better as in whah I wrote she is better for him then you and it clearly shows.

No, you don't "need to" work on anything.. You can remain exactly as you are if that's what makes you happy.
May I ask what exactly you wanted to achieve from this thread, then? Did you want us to agree that you were ugly and will never find a loving partner? Would that provide some comfort?

I didnt have confidence in myself or my looks and then one day i realised i had two lovely children who were like that because i had encouraged them to be respectful and kind and i thought ”i did that” . They were like that because of me. I then started to think differently about myself. I have a son who is very successful and a beautiful daughter and grandaughter. It doesnt matter how i look now, i have confidence. I look after myself and live life and have lots of friends that i didnt have before.

I think finding 'the one' isn't that common TBH. The older you get the harder it is to met people, no matter what you look like.

Personally I've never been attractive. Was bullied for my appearance throughout school, even voted ugliest girl in the class unanimously (and that included the teacher!). Ive had little kids point me out in the street for being ugly.
I've never been asked out by anyone, and I'm over fifty now so I doubt it will happen.
However I consider myself extremely lucky both because I'm ace and because I'm very self reliant and enjoy my own company. It would be horrible to be me and feel the need for companionship too. So I think if you have had relationships and kids you are very lucky.

The best thing you can do imo is to learn to be happy with yourself. Develop your own hobbies and interests, it may even lead to meeting someone.

Exactly she doesn’t see it. She’s the bitter one . He left her for the other woman and she’s that bitter over it. You just get attacked when you try and help. Sadly she won’t get therapy she’ll just keep attacking the other woman and anyone else.

I am attractive, and I’ve just ended up with shit boyfriends who don’t appreciate me. I fallen for potential too many times and it’s potential that these men never live up to. I see some really average ordinary looking women who have husbands who loved them and families and great social lives. I don’t think it is to do with your looks. Looks help, but I honestly think there aren’t enough good men and most of the good ones were snapped up early on.

They're not intrinsically better. They are perhaps what the person was looking for at that moment in time and who fit the needs of the person physically emotionally etc. There isn't some cosmic ordering of people.

It's not odd at all to challenge this. I accept she was more attractive and appealing than me but I will not accept that she is "better" as a human. She isn't. Noone is. .
.
You aren't better than anyone.

You shouldn't assume it's your looks OP. You obviously attracted this guy in the first place and he stayed with you a long time. I wonder if him finding someone else has damaged your self esteem which is unfortunate.

Where have I "attacked" her???

You're literally making this up now.

I know many people who some would consider plain (not that you are) to be happily married and have nice lives. You have just been really unlucky. But there are women out there who are worse off than you in that they have no kids either. You have two! I second others saying to make a life for yourself and learn to live in the moment and be happy with what you have.. that’s always attractive.