Uninvited child turned up

[Imjustshockedx]

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

This is so strange. OP are you absolutely sure that your daughter didn't inadvertently invite this other girl? If she begged and pleaded so much that she told her to come in the hope that you would find space for her? It's the only logical explanation, as no sane mother would land at a party with her daughter and no invitation!

This. I just couldn’t punish a young girl who is being set up to fail by her mother’s bizarre, entitled behaviour. It’s brutal really, poor girl will lose all her friendships because of her mum 😞

Wow. Do some people like this really walk amongst us? I can’t think why the girl doesn’t get invited to many parties …….

I wouldn't do this OP, that's a bit extreme. Nothing to do with the school unless it starts affecting their friendship in school.

Tricky one, I'd talk to your DD about whether she is strictly no longer friends with this girl or how it might affect the friend group if she excludes only her from the get together at your house. If she understands all that and still wants not to invite the girl then go with what she wants and let the mother know.

She didn't exclude one, she excluded 6, should they have turned up too?
*have. Should HAVE.

I’m sorry you experienced this OP, but I wouldn’t exclude the daughter from the event in your house. That would only serve to escalate things and your daughter must attend school with her every day,

Luckily my kids were in small classes (small rural school) so the whole class could be invited to parties. It made things easier all round.

I do feel quite sorry for kids who are routinely not invited to things, even though there is no excusing the subsequent behaviour. But that was the mother’s fault more than the child’s of course. The mother seems to be socially inept and is setting a terrible example for her child. It will make life more difficult for the daughter unfortunately, but I wouldn’t wish to add to those difficulties.

Speaking of socially inept 🙄

12 is a really difficult age for girls and I can see how birthday parties become ground zero. I wouldn't hold it against the child BUT I would be encouraging my daughter to have some very firm boundaries around that friendship. She shouldn't have to feel pestered.

The mum is an absolute dick and I would keep contact with her to an absolute minimum. And it's really important that you don't start using their friendship as a proxy for your annoyance with the mother.

This has nothing to do with the school

Batshit.

I always wonder who teaches people to be such CFers and this is a prime example.

It’s downright rude but I would hold the parent responsible and not the child.

Out of a school friendship group of 8 children, only 2 were invited, so it's not really a case of leaving just one person out. I assume that the two children are much closer friends with OP's daughter than the others in the group.

OP has obviously chosen an activity that he daughter wants/enjoys, where the numbers allowed are only small.

The reactions of the other mother and her daughter do show them in a very bad light. The mother actually phoned OP and asked for an invitation and OP explained why she couldn't exceed the numbers and that they would be having another party which her daughter would be invited to. To actually turn up at the venue and start arguing with OP and the staff is ridiculous behaviour.

If the children involved were infant school age, I could understand them being upset and not understanding the reasons for not being invited. A twelve year old and her mother are obviously so thick-skinned that they don't care that they made a scene and embarrassed themselves.

That just sounds so sad.

Of course you're not U - if the poor kid's batshit mother doesn't teach her social norms, the rest of the world will have to. Let's hope for her sake that she's a quick learner.

Maybe have a chat with dd and suggest that this weird behaviour is probably coming from the mother and not the kid, and it's really her friend's bad luck to have such a pushy mother. And that it could mess up the dynamic in her friendship group of eight if she just excludes one from the house party. After that, it's up to DD - she's at the age where she has to manage her own relationships.

It's not odd at all. If she's 12 she is probably still friends with girls she knew at primary, but will have new friends from senior school too. For most girls her age choosing a top 5 will mean that some people will, necessarily, have to be left out. Venues often have strict limits, for example if our sports club lets more people in to an event than our allowed capacity we'd be breaking fire regs and could get shut down. Or if it was laser-quest and they were fully booked, they can't chuck someone else out, just to make space for some uninvited random. Or climbing walls - they have to maintain a staff-customer ratio else it's not safe.

It is ok folk saying don't punish the kid for the mothers obscene behaviour but its never justified in my eyes to reward bad behaviour either. Sadly the mother sounds a lost cause which will always reflect badly on her daughter.

The bad behaviour wasn’t rewarded though, as the girl was not allowed entry to the limited number event.

This is a new event so I would try to move on.

This sort of unhinged and entitled behaviour can really escalate so it's best to have none of it and I'm glad that the venue backed you up. I'm all for being kind but it's not worth the trouble with people that are very difficult. I'm sorry for this 12 year old but it might be better for her to see others standing up to her pushy mother.

Read the bloody thread,I said I was wrong on page 1!

This is such a hard decision as I can completely see reasons for and against inviting this girl to the house party. I think ultimately I'd still invite. This thread is totally going to end up in the sidebar of shame so you might want to get it taken down once you've read the responses.

Which exclusion are you referring to? The activity with a maximum number of six children or larger party at OP's house?

The lack of an invitation for the six of the girls in the friendship group is fine. One child in the group isn't being singled out. The numbers were very small and three outside-school closer friends were invited. The child's and the mother's behaviour in response to the lack of an invitation was massively out of order.

Excluding the child from the larger gathering at OP's house would be wrong but I can totally see why OP's daughter would want to change her mind about the invitation. In OP's daughter's head, this friend and her mother tried to ruin her birthday treat.

The woman is batshit. I feel sorry for the daughter, the mother is storing up a whole life’s worth of therapy for her when she’s older. Good on you for standing your ground op, and being firm in the face of such batshittery.

So, because of this hypothetical woman's insane behaviour you are willing to hold the OP's character responsible for the child's future mental health?

Too much crazy.

I find it sad that the mother could not help her DC understand disappointments, and instead created an awkward and embarrassing situation. It sounds as though you and the staff handled it well.

Sorry not following this at all? What hypothetical woman?