Uninvited child turned up

[Imjustshockedx]

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

Sadly the uninvited child is now in for another disappointment as your DD's wishes need to be respected.

If it's at your house I expect said child will turn up (with mother) invited or not, which could turn into a huge row on the doorstep if you try to keep her out.

10 pages in and not a single reply from @Imjustshockedx
What a surprise. Not.

No replies from the Op hmm.....

I agree with this.
This girls mother is going to make her daughter a social pariah - and we all know how very important friends are at secondary school to help you through the nightmare of girls, hormones, groups etc.
School needs a heads up on this IMHO as the poor girl is going to need some support.

With regards to the party/get together @Imjustshockedx i would be guided by your daughter. If she starts saying ‘everyone else doesn’t want her there either’ I would be a bit concerned as then it’s starting to feel like exclusion which is bullying. Be guided by your child but remember you are the adult with much more wisdom and life experience .

Some things need an even number of people. For my 14th I had my party at a laser tag place. It was bloody expensive for each person to play, and teams needed to be equal. I did have a friend who's parent brought their sibling and was also extremely put out when the venue said they had not been paid for and could not participate in the party, but they did ask if she wished to pay for the next game which would just be a walk in, mixed general public team to which she said no.

Goodness that poor girl, it must have been so embarressing for her and her mother is just awful.
I would be sending a full on rant to her about this. I would also put the blame fairly on her shoulders and explain what an awful situation she put her child and yours in, as well as taking up staff time, ruining the day for your daughter, and generally being completely and shockingly out of order . I would also say the mother is not welcome to your house but the child is and if she wants to come to anything at your house then someone else will have to drop her off.

Ah, sorry, I meant the CF mother. I was implying that as OP hadn't returned the entire thread is on shaky ground, hence hypothetical.

Very very odd indeed. The mother clearly has no sense of boundaries.

The sheer entitlement is flabbergasting. As first I was going to suggest perhaps your child invited her and 'forgot' to tell you, but I see that's not the case.

It was great that the staff member dealt with it professionally for you; although it's wrong for the other parent to put either of you in that situation. It's done now, so I wouldn't 'do' anything, but I'd think twice about inviting that child to anything in the future.

FWIW, I'm sure most of us have been in the position if having our child not be invited to something; it's just life. Some parents take an odd view - a group we were with discussed the fact they were all heading off the another child's party that afternoon, but mine hadn't been invited. The other parents tried to encourage us to go with them, claiming the birthday's child's parent must have forgotten and wouldn't mind if we just showed up! I declined, obviously, and DS didn't make a fuss about it. But I think parent can be worse than kids in this situation. Just focus on the fact your DD had the friends she wished present and enjoyed her party. Don't give another thought to the other parent.

You still invite the child. She’s behaved poorly but it’s not like she’s nasty to the op, she’s still a child. Her mum is atrocious, but the child didn’t choose her. to exclude one child from an event for all the others would be mean, and it’s not the parenting the op wants to model to her own child.
id tell my daughter that was a really difficult situation even for adults and I was proud of her and hoped she’d enjoy her birthday.

The blame is entirely on the mother for showing up like that. The girl wouldn’t have turned up alone, it was led by the adult. She wasn’t allowed to participate, so she has been shown that regardless of her mum teaching her that she can do what she wants, she absolutely can’t.

I would ask my DD to consider maybe not punishing the other girl any further by excluding her from a get together that does include everyone else (school and social experiences are brutal enough at that age). You’ve set a clear boundary and I would draw a line under it now andgive a 12 year old girl the opportunity to show she’s learned a lesson.

If she carries on doing things like that in the future, I would then think about stopping invites completely.

This. Fuck around, find out

Wow that is beyond weird.

Don’t invite her. Listen to your daughter here, why make her feel uncomfortable at her own party in her own house? Presumably, her birthday party is something you want her to enjoy.

Having sympathy for the girl doesn’t require making her your daughter’s problem. I don’t think it’s a great value to teach her either, if it even would instill anything in her but resentment.

This isn't the child's fault, and how did the mother seem to have all details of party,time, address etc if they hadn't been invited somehow..either way I wouldn't have not invited the whole small group of friends together when knowing they hung out together..neither would I exclude a child to my house based on a mother's ideas and actions. A child is a child regardless and it's the mother who should have backed off and explained to child not tried to force her way in.

Hallelujah 🙌 Reading how hostile some mums are about a manageable situation is frightening. I recall my mother was always balanced and accepting, even of those with problems. Now, everyone seems so unforgiving and harsh.

This is definitely going to be fed by the mother - maybe she’s entitled or maybe her daughter is very sad at not being invited to things and the mother is over invested and handling this completely the wrong way.

It’s quite probable that the pestering behaviour at school has been driven by how her mum is with her at home.

It will be disappointing for her if she thought she was a top tier friend and has found out she’s valued a little lower in the group by your daughter. That’s life but still disappointing.

It’s of course up to your daughter but I would remind her that the mother’s behaviour is not the girls fault and that the girl will be upset at not being invited to the first thing and probably worried about what that means for their friendship and that plus her mother’s influence may have affected her actions

Managing a situation doesn’t mean giving in to what is demanded. Rolling over in the name of ‘being kind’ only teaches those inclined to take advantage the lesson that riding roughshod is an effective way to get what you want. Conversely, it also teaches those being taking advantage of that they must accept this in order to be considered ‘nice’.

The feelings of this girl are in no way more important than the feelings of OP’s own child, in her own house, at her own party. She’s at an age where she can largely manage her own friendships, and can choose who she does and doesn’t want to be around.

I’d have been mortified if I was the uninvited child being ushered in by my mum. Disgusting behaviour.

Imagine that happening and then being uninvited from the bigger group celebration as an extra punishment

They didn’t give in to what was demanded.

Presumably the mother has learned that often people are too polite/unwilling to make a scene if she just shows up and pushes herself into things, but hadn't banked on the hard numbers limit here being external rather than set by what you were willing to pay for (as might have been the case at e.g.: a soft play party). More fool her.

Let the girl go obviously something is amiss there it's not normal behaviour something has obviously clicked on her with regards to this pasty let her go and invite her and then review after