Uninvited child turned up

[Imjustshockedx]

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

No. It's really ok for 2 to be invited and 6 not invited.

If it was 7 invited and 1 not- then that is different. That's making a statement.

That's the nature of friendships - especially larger groups. You don't have to do every single thing with every one of your friends.

It's bizarre to think that, once you have over a certain number of friends, you can never do any activity that is limited to fewer than that number ever again - even as your own special birthday treat.

When first reading, I thought it was infant school, maybe junior.

It is not OP's responsibility to counter the lack of invites to another child. The entitlement of that parent was unreal.

Firstly- totally bizarre and rude behaviour from that mother. Not acceptable to turn up uninvited.

However I think I see the underlying frustration. Not unusual to get groups of around 8 girls that hang around and not unusual for party sizes to drop smaller than that. Inevitably in some situations it is the same 1 or 2 kids not getting invited to any of the parties by the people they deem to be their best friends. I can see how this could be really upsetting and hurtful. I don’t believe that other girls just aren’t bothered about not being invited. Most people that I know aren’t that thick skinned even as adults but they lie to save face. My dc was one of these and even though they take it on the chin and pretend in school they are fine with it I find it really hard to watch and how to explain all the time “oh it’s just numbers” or whatever reason.

Being a bit more inclusive to the groups that they are hanging about with day to day would be the best approach in my mind.

I can understand being worried your child isn't getting invites and feeling cross if you're perceiving them as being excluded but this mother is ridiculous. She put her dd in a horrendous and embarrassing position and damaged relationships further. There's no excuse for acting this way.

I think I'd have a conversation with your dd and talk about how some people find it really hard being left out more than others and I'd try to encourage her to invite the whole friend group to your house as originally planned as she will still need to see this child and interact at school unless she is really, really adamant as essentially you'd be uninviting at this point rather than just not inviting. I feel like this child is the product of their parenting and I do feel a bit sorry for them. But ultimately it's your dds party in her home so I think final say needs to be what she's comfortable with.

Their behaviour was bullying- pressuring both mother and the daughter at school for an invite. Turning up uninvited and creating a scene, getting angry at the staff member at the venue. Appalling behaviour that should not be rewarded. If the OPs daughter doesn’t want her at her gathering at home it’s completely understandable and it’s her choice.

" I don’t believe that other girls just aren’t bothered about not being invited. Most people that I know aren’t that thick skinned even as adults but they lie to save face. My dc was one of these and even though they take it on the chin and pretend in school they are fine with it I find it really hard to watch and how to explain all the time “oh it’s just numbers” or whatever reason."

I also agree with this. And I do think it's something that needs to be considered when planning birthdays that you can't invite a full friend group to - there will be hurt feelings as part of it and i think it's good for your dd to be aware of that at 12. For example maybe the activity and the day at your house could have been closer together or activity in the morning and everyone join in the afternoon or the next day to ease that so children have a clearer picture of what's happening.

I know it's part of life and building resilience and it's just one of those things, but it will affect your dds relationship dynamics and you can't expect it not to.

This has got nothing to do with the school and informing the school would just be trying to cause the family as much difficulty as possible as well as wasting the school's time. Do English secondary schools even have school counsellors?

Yep, that's why people go on mumsnet, most dont usually post just to say that.

How rubbish for you OP. They behaved appallingly, especially the mother.

I'd message her to tell her clearly that you are not seeking to invite drama into your or your DD's lives and after their unacceptable behaviour on the day of the party, they are not invited or welcome at yours. I'd also say you'll not be engaging in any further discussions with her and block her if she tries.

If adults acted like this it would cause distress and upset, Nonsense. I don't expect to do everything with all my friends all the time. There was a limit at the venue and she had invited friends from out of school too. Also she didn't exclude just one girl from that group, there were 5 not invited.

Obviously not normal behaviour but I wouldn’t exclude her from the next event. It’s not her daughters fault.

Oh what a wonderful Mum you had, @DreamTheMoors, I’m sorry for your loss.

I suspect that the attendance by the uninvited child may be down to them telling their Mum they weren’t invited & then the two of them stewing over it together. I bet the Mum lead the plan to invade, so it is she who should be excluded from conversation & social events, not the child (even if she is a young teen) - also she can’t be met with any special positive attention, else they’ll think they got away with it.
The reason that I’m being so superficially nice is because being ostracised can (a) stick with one for the rest of one’s education & (b) turn one into a bully (not that I’m suggesting anyone be scared of her).
(Yes I was bullied , mercilessly; no I didn’t turn into a bully.)

It’s understandable for the girl to be disappointed and upset at not being invited to yet another party. However, the mums actions were terrible and put her daughter in a humiliating situation of being turned away in front of the other girls. What sort of a mother does that?

School counsellor?!

You do know that not every school has one of these, don't you!!?

What stands out to me is the other girl's DM saying it's unfair because her DD hardly ever gets an invite, instead of trying to gatecrash she'd be better off asking herself why her DD isn't being invited. Now the story of how she behaved will go round the school and pretty much ensure her DC doesn't get invited again

All 8 won’t be equally close to one another.

Where or when in life does this approach of involving everyone in everything end?
Is her DD expected to have 7 bridesmaids? 7 godmothers of her kids?

She’s allowed to have 1 or 2 best friends within a wider group of friends. I’d say that’s perfectly normal.

Stay out of it from now on OP. You did your job perfectly dealing with the mum prior to the party and at the venue.
But your DD inviting people round to the house is nothing to do with you beyond providing the food and hands off supervision.

Let your daughter decide who her friends are. Let her arrange it

Unhinged.

I feel sorry for her DD though. Her behaviour is likely influenced by her DM and I don’t think she should be punished for that. Tricky situation…your daughter’s wishes are important but I think it’s worth looking at the bigger picture here.

Could you keep the invite but speak to the mother to explain why her behaviour was appalling and that you don’t want it to happen again? I feel you have upper hand here but also an opportunity to be the better person.

What utter nonsense.

Dd chose an activity for HER PARTY that SHE WANTED TO DO which had a limit on it. She chose friends from school and outside school. She has NO OBLIGATION to arrange HER party around everyone else.

She is actually having everyone around for a house party later in the month so nobody is losing out. (She doesn't have to do that but she and OP are being very generous)
Nobody has to cater to the "invite everyone you know every single time or nobody" BS.

You must be a real PIA when it comes to people having events you or your kids aren't invited to.

She didn’t exclude one!

This is a classic example of Verruca Salt parenting colliding with the real world. Your child WILL be left out of things - it’s the human condition. It’s massively damaging to pretend they can always get exactly what they want. You risk creating a monster. Parents job is to teach children how to navigate this.

I know!as I said on the first page!

I am on the fence. Not the child's fault. But some mum's are off the scale and unless the children are friendly it isn't worth the hassle.

But absolutely amazed at bringing the child. I have had times when it is softplay when an extra one or two is grand when they are siblings...but not this!

I wouldn't exclude her OP, what does that teach your daughter about future life / work....retracting invitations? Strange and bullying. I would encourage my daughter to accommodate her and get on with her at school ...a 12 year old can learn (both of them)...it seems the parents are the problem here