Uninvited child turned up

[Imjustshockedx]

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

This woman will ruin her DD life but it’s not your place to try and fix it. I would want nothing to do with someone like her and would not be having the child over again, sad as that is for the kid.

Please invite the child. It’s not her fault that the mother doesn’t know how to behave.

This

This situation would give me faith in daughter’s choices and how she handles different dynamics. She doesn’t have to invite anyone for the sake of not “being mean” and I’d let her decide as and when she socialises with this other girl

there’s a certain type of mum (like the one in this post) who get waaay to invested and involved in their daughter’s friendships. All we’re supposed to do at this age is guide and support them, we can’t steam roll into situations and take control in their behalf

the other mum isn’t doing her daughter and favours, you handled a tough situation really well OP

It teaches her daughter that if someone walks all over her clearly set boundries then she is absolutely not obligated to remain friends.

Interesting that you think uninviting this girl, who tried to ruin her party, is bullying, but this girl showing up uninvited in order to make her uncomfortable isn't bullying.

Seriously? What on earth are the school going to do about it?
That sounds positively mad to me:

It sounds like it was mums idea to gatecrash, not necessarily the girls.

They wouldn’t be able to do that. Usually number restrictions are put in place due to health and safety regulations for public places.

We have no idea whats happening in the other child's household. We do know they are friends at school and she was 'desperate' to go to a party.
To then exclude her from one without a numbers limit seems unnecessarily cruel. They are 12

The OP has reacted perfectly but I agree, you can't bring the school into this, they'll think you are mad.
Does anyone really expect the headteacher of a secondary school to personally deal with a parent about kids parties?

@Imjustshockedx Would she be capable of just showing up anyway at your house?
Stupid question- ofcourse she is. So you need to keep date and time a secret.

I would message the mum and tell her straight out that since she and her daughter tried to force daughter into a party despite you clearly telling her it wasn't possible your daughter now does not want to invite her daughter anymore. And if she does show up you will call the police.

I would think differently if the girl was 7 because still very young but at 12 in secondary school she knows how to obey rules. Both mother and daughter need to learn that behaviour has consequences and that if you don't respect people they do not wsnt to be around you. No way should she be invited to your dds home party- especially since your dd does not want her there. I am a mug and I always prioritise children evel if parents are batshit- we have invited children whose parents are known to be on drugs and violent just because I want to give those children a chance to be included and not be ostracised. But this is an older girl who should know better than to behave like this so it would be a firm no.

They weren't personal boundaries - it was a booking with a maximum number of places. No need to make her daughter into someone as odd as the so-called friend.
IMO unless the daughter really doesn't want to EVER see the girl any more, (which might be difficult if they're in class) I'd invite the people as originally planned. If that includes that girl then fine.

You did exactly what I would have done @Imjustshockedx and, most importantly, you tried your best to confine the 'debate' to the adults.

The only other thing you could do, I suppose, is drop in a thankyou card and box of sweets into the staff at the venue.

I would go with what your daughter wants. If she doesn’t want to invite this girl then she doesn’t have to.

If the mum pipes up again then I would firmly say ‘you were told more than once and still turned up to ruin my daughter’s day and make everyone feel uncomfortable i will not tolerate that behaviour’.End off.

We don't know what's happening in her household.

But we do know what happened at the party.

Ops dd is just as important as the other girl, and she doesn't want her there anymore, which is fair enough.

What this girl and her mum did was also cruel.

I said clearly set boundries.

Now the dd doesn't want the girl at her party, which is fair enough given the behaviour and the fact that her and her mother tried to ruin her first birthday outing.

This. The mother's behaviour was insane and if she puts that sort of pressure on adult strangers, I can only imagine what pressure her poor daughter is put under. I'd let the girl come to the get together at yours, as originally mentioned.

Your family can afford to throw a bone to a struggling kid who clearly has a strange home life and who is/was recently part of the friend group.

IMO, this is not the occasion to enforce the classic Mumsnet "my baby/party/wedding/ house etc MY rules".

Wow that’s beyond awkward for both you and your daughter. What is wrong with people?! Who does that?! Sorry you had to go through that, it can be stressful enough hosting. Well done to you and the staff member for insisting it was a no!

Wow wonder why the daughter doesn't get many invites. Sounds like the mother may have a personality disorder. You need to respect your daughter's wishes. If the parent turns up again you need to not answer the door. If she messages tell her that her behaviour at the party upset your daughter and she doesn't want to have her over any more. The child and parent both need to learn that you can't bully other people into doing what you want them to. I would model strong boundaries to your daughter and don't teach her that she has to give in to bullies.

Something similar happened to my daughter at her 10th birthday. My daughter invited her three best friends to go to the cinema, then come back to our house for cake and some play time. Child who lived two doors down found out and what unfolded was unpleasant.
The child and her older sister turned up at the cinema and chose to sit right alongside us, the child howled throughout the film and kept turning and staring at us accusingly. After the film and the playtime was all over, the child from two doors down arrived at our door with her mother because one of my daughter’s friends was going to their house to play, both mother and child were hostile and aggressive to us.
A few months later the child had her birthday party and invited every girl in the class except my daughter.
Some people!

Your child now needs to consider her own position in the group if the other child now bears a grudge against her.

Will the other girl now manipulate the others and cause trouble? Not saying she should invite her, but it might be better for group politics to do so.

I'd explain to your child how hurtful it would be for the child to be left out when she already knows that there will be something happening at your home. If she still doesnt wish her to come then she doesnt have to invite her but if she's kind enough to invite the child this time she never has to do so in future. And if this child is pestering her over invites at school she can discuss with the teacher how they can be kept apart.

So everyone is OK with excluding then? Which is actually another form of bullying. It is very worrying indeed that most adults are on board with this and twist it around to make out the excluded child is in the wrong. Growing up in the 80's my own mother would never allow me to act like this. She would have pointed the hurt and the knock on effects this would inevitably cause, but it seems today's parents are training their children to live in a selfish and narcissistic world where everyone does what they like regardless of other people. No wonder society has reached the depths of no return! where the few kind people left with a monochrome of common sense are made to feel like they are so awful. Let's hope your dd is never excluding op, because you sure as hell won't have grounds to complain.

Just wow..what a shit mother the cf is to put her own child in that position. Too cringy and cruel for words.

Have you spoken to the mother since? Because that is insane behaviour. Really insane. And she put her daughter in that situation… terrible parenting.

The girl must have had a lot of texts from your daughter and her friends too. How embarrassing for her.

I feel so sorry for that other girl.
She clearly has a very difficult home life.

All the aggression and forcefulness is coming from the mum. OP hasn’t been able to tell us a single rude comment from the little girl but she’s the one being railroaded into humiliating situations and is now in the position of being excluded from her friendship group as punishment for her mum’s behaviour.

Poor girl 😢