Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

[arcticpandas]

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family.

She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex.

Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"?

(And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

This. Have a quiet family Xmas at home.

When your personal experience and hard earned wisdom tells you a certain situation is dangerous for your health, it’s very hard to ignore it. Nature makes us like that deliberately.

Your MIL sounds really lovely OP, and often puts herself at risk for coughs and colds and fevers by putting her grandchildren first. But shingles is a dreaded disease in the elderly and we must all do our best to protect our health and be on our guard.
You also come across as a lovely mum, but on this occasion, I think you should not be pushing to take your son to her home simply because you consider her wilfully ignorant of the scientific facts. Please respect her natural inclination in this situation

Under these circumstances, if I were your MiL, I would cook the Christmas meal and have it sent it over to you so that you could all stay together at home. I would do that with the expectation that you are capable of making Christmas just as lovely in your own home for your children as she makes it for your children in hers.

It’s not wrong of her to protect her health in any way she feels is right, but it is wrong of her to expect you four to split up for the day to accommodate her wishes.

It always is on shingles threads. MN should be required to edit the titles of any threads about shingles to include a link to the nhs website page.

MIL is within her rights to decide her own level if risk she is willing to take.

The stranger thing is half your family deciding to go ahead with the usual plans and having a great time leaving the 2 of you stuck at home feeling lonely. Your family should be a whole unit and in it together. Your son at home would have much less of a miserable time if your all in it together and doing your own family Christmas this year with all the trimmings. Instead he will be there with you knowing his sibling is having more fun with more family members and his dad chose to do family away from him. Sounds like a selfish DH rather than a MIL problem. And you seem brainwashed into thinking this is OK. Most families would never be separated at Christmas, all go or none go

Well, of course I've read the thread (it's full of people confidently stating you can't get chickenpox twice). OP mentions it's on his back in the first three lines of her OP. If they haven't crusted over and he absent-mindedly scratches his back, he can transfer the virus. It may be unlikely, but people have different risk thresholds and health worries.

I think it is ridiculous to separate the family for this, and hope something can be worked out that allows the MIL to feel safer, and the family to not be split on the day merely to satisfy her anxieties.

If OP's MIL feels as she does, I have no idea why she wouldn't get the shingles vaccine. You can't catch shingles from someone with shingles. If you haven't had chicken pox, you could get chicken pox, but MIL has had chicken pox. The only people that the NHS recommends should avoid contact with someone with shingles are:

• anyone who is pregnant and has not had chickenpox before
• people with a weakened immune system – like someone having chemotherapy
• babies less than 1 month old

If DS1 isn't allowed to go, they should have Christmas in their own home.

But your son will be devastated and he is only a child. Your MIL's position is unreasonable because she is ignoring medical advice. As she has had shingles before, she could get it again, although that is very rare, but not through contact with someone else with shingles.

Oh my god. If MiL is refsing her Gson as he has shingles, the obvious thing to do is for OP, husband and both DC to stay home together for Christmas. Why is it so difficult to do the right thing for Dson who is ill? Dad should be stepping up, supporting his son and telling his mum, we'll get together when DS is well.

I know who I’d prioritise

Who said I moaned to her? That's what I use MN for. I calmly tried to explain how contagion works and then said OK I'll stay at home with DS1 when I realised it was mission impossible to get through to her.

Your DH doesn't ‘have’ to go! He’s choosing to go. There’s a huge difference. Your MIL lives close enough for him to pop over for an hour in the morning then be back home to have Christmas dinner and the rest of the day with his children. He doesn’t have to be a martyr.

Not true.
*You can spread chickenpox to other people from 2 days before your spots appear until they have all formed scabs, which is usually 5 days after your spots appeared.
The spots start appearing around 1 to 3 weeks after you caught chickenpox.
You can catch chickenpox from:

• being in the same room as someone with it
• touching things that have fluid from the blisters on them
• someone who has shingles if you have not had chickenpox before (but you cannot catch shingles from someone who has chickenpox)*

I think you should split the difference & have a lovely family Xmas breakfast, then other son & DH go to MIL for a much more limited time than usual whilst you & ill son have a special non-Xmas favourite lunch (whatever his favourite is), watch his favourite movie then DH comes back early and you have a cosy family evening.

I do understand MIL's attitude although it's not logical - many people aren't logical about health and it's easy to be fearful when you're older and generally more vulnerable.

Why should the son be ostracised, its not a Easter sunday lunch, its Christmas Day. They should all stay home.

Can’t believe your husband would go to his mummy’s house on Christmas and leave his poorly son at home.
Time to stand up to his mother and have a quiet Christmas at home. Make your own new traditions and show your son the true meaning of Christmas- love and family; not fancy dinners, etc

I'm on team all stay home. Tell her you're worried that dh could be contagious too and it's better to be safe than sorry. It would be ridiculous to be devastated by missing one Christmas because family are all and then insisting your adult son split his family in half just to appease you.

Absolutely.

MIL is being daft and ignoring the science.

That’s her choice though. When ds had it noone else did and he was able to attend school as it was on his back. Is she old enough to have had the jab?

Ostracised?

OMFG.

This threat is hysterical, more so than the MIL.

The host is anxious even if irrationally so. Respect her wishes, stay at home as a family and move on. This is ridiculous and you all sound a little immature, the whole family.

The doctor didn't find any reason for him not to continue to go to school because he didn't have any symptoms except the rash on the back and the majority of secondary kids have had chicken pox. So he went to school with shingles because I can't keep him at home when he's in great shape and the doctor will not write a certificate for him not to attend. So it's not down to what one thinks- I fully trust his doctor when it comes to medical issues.

He's got heavy OCD which involves excessive hand washing.

Christmas is still 5 days away. If all the blisters have dried up he could go then.
Could your husband go for a shorter time?

She is convinced that it's airborne unfortunately. Otherwise she would have him because it's only on his back and he doesn't touch it. I explained the dangers of it getting infected if he touches it with need to go to hospital, antibiotics etc so he is afraid to touch it and won't. Also it doesn't hurt or itch so he's not inclined to touch it.
And he washes his hands non stop due to heavy OCD.

We were talking about spreading SHINGLES not chicken pox. They have all had chicken pox so that's not an issue.

I’m another one that gets shingles very frequently. I’m now under the infectious disease unit as they’re trying to find out why I’m getting them as there’s no underlying reason. It’s flipping shit feeling so awful all the time and then you think you’re better and try to get back to normality and they come back again. 💐

I think DH and other DC should just go and visit for an hour or 2 but you should have the rest of Christmas Day as a family.