Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

314 replies

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 20:27

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family.

She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex.

Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"?

(And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

OP posts:
wellbugger · 19/12/2025 20:52

YABU. People can draw whatever boundaries they like for their health.

ProfessorofCunning · 19/12/2025 20:52

You can’t catch shingles from shingles. You can however catch chickenpox from shingles if you’ve never had it. As we discovered one Christmas when in-laws didn’t tell us FIL had it until we’d been there a day. Spent most of January and half of February at home with one child after the other 🫣
If anyone else is going who hasn’t had chickenpox, they will likely be infected. You can have it twice too if your first go round was mild, as we subsequently discovered with DH!

YSianiFlewog · 19/12/2025 20:52

I think your DH is being unreasonable leaving you and your DS at home. Have a family Christmas together.

Eenameenadeeka · 19/12/2025 20:52

It's fine if she sees it as a risk she doesn't want to take but dh and ds2 stay home as well.

LuckyCharmz · 19/12/2025 20:54

You stay as a family at Christmas, if he can’t go then you all stay at home together surely?

dementedpixie · 19/12/2025 20:54

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

You can ONLY get shingles if you've had chickenpox in the past as it's the CP virus that is reactivating. You dont get shingles from shingles but can get chickenpox from contact with fluid from shingles blisters (if you haven't had CP before)

KarmenPQZ · 19/12/2025 20:55

If she thinks it’s contagious then surely your DH will get it and will probably be contagious himself by Christmas Day. Family Christmas for the 4 of you at yours time 🥳

toomuchcrapeverywhere · 19/12/2025 20:55

You should all stay home and your MIL can go fuck herself and eat a Turkey drumstick on her own.

Leoari · 19/12/2025 20:58

ProfessorofCunning · 19/12/2025 20:52

You can’t catch shingles from shingles. You can however catch chickenpox from shingles if you’ve never had it. As we discovered one Christmas when in-laws didn’t tell us FIL had it until we’d been there a day. Spent most of January and half of February at home with one child after the other 🫣
If anyone else is going who hasn’t had chickenpox, they will likely be infected. You can have it twice too if your first go round was mild, as we subsequently discovered with DH!

This is true but shingles is not airborne the same way chicken pox is, so you'd have to have contact with the lesions / or something that's touched the lesions recently to catch it!

KnittyNell · 19/12/2025 21:00

toomuchcrapeverywhere · 19/12/2025 20:55

You should all stay home and your MIL can go fuck herself and eat a Turkey drumstick on her own.

You’re a charmer aren’t you!

TheatricalLife · 19/12/2025 21:03

Just have Christmas at home. You are absolutely correct that you can't catch shingles, but she is obviously scared and uncomfortable about it and I wouldn't want to push someone into something they didn't want to do. You still have time to get nice things for your own day.

JDM625 · 19/12/2025 21:04

Is she immunosuppressed or have another reason to feel she is very susceptible? (I'm aware she can't get shingles from him). I'm sure you know DS should avoid young children/babies, pregnant women and anyone immunosuppressed? I hope he got acyclovir very quickly along with pain relief?

I too would say its best you ALL stay at home- because given her naïve medical knowledge, DH and DS1 might be carriers 😱

Vaxtable · 19/12/2025 21:04

If she not budge, and as you say it’s not contagious then all the family needs to stay at home and have Christmas together

StripyHorse · 19/12/2025 21:08

BettysRoasties · 19/12/2025 20:30

Personally I think you should all stay home if she is banning one child.

This.

While she has the right to avoid potential viruses (however ill informed) she does not get to split your family unit up.

Pinkissmart · 19/12/2025 21:10

You’re unreasonable to take your son anywhere with elderly people if he has shingles. You should all stay home.

Ive had shingles a few times and was told, by my dr, to avoid children and the elderly

Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:12

Wow. Thank you all for posting. Will try to answer questions:

Christmas is always at Mil's- family tradition- she loves hosting and we usually bring drinks/desert/chocolate/cheese/salmon etc so it won't be too much work for her. We live 30 minutes away from her so dh and ds2 will not sleep there. Dh is her only son he has to go.

She loves my sons as much as I do and it will be painful for her not having them both at hers. If that wouldn't be the case I would have told dh to stay home. But she's really afraid- she had an awful experience with shingles for weeks with awful pain. She has never been like this when the children are sick with something else. When one had fever she still wanted him to come (I declined) so she's not normally like this.

What annoys me is that she doesn't get that it's not contagious- a doctor in our family even tried to explain it to her to no avail. I think we just have to accept it and I will make it up to ds1 (plenty of chocolate and video games allowed). It's just frustrating when people are stubborn and won't believe scientifical facts.

OP posts:
LatteLady · 19/12/2025 21:13

Well by her logic, any of you could be carrying it over to her... so don't go.

So sad that mere scientific facts have got in the way of her understanding and she will end up having a rather lonely Christmas.

Londonrach1 · 19/12/2025 21:14

Ive had chicken pox and two lots of shingles so chicken pox doesn't not stop you getting shingles. Shingles is awful and and your poor son must feel very ill. Please let him rest and do what he wants. All stay at home and let your son rest and recover.

TheMimsy · 19/12/2025 21:15

@arcticpandas massive squishes to you and your son. Shingles is awful. I have a weakened immune system and get it monthly often more than one case triggered by stress, heavy period, illness, run down.. moon phases… it seems constant.

It’s on my ample behind and lower back and in the 13 years I’ve had it no one has licked me or caught it. I am tempted to rub my bum on door handles of people that annoy me though.

I am another one voting for you all staying at home. It’s either a whole family unit that attends or none of you.

IsThisTheWaytoSlamMyPillow · 19/12/2025 21:16

By her reasoning, if it’s contagious surely your other DS and DH will also have to stay home because they might be carriers.

TBH I think they should stay home anyway - she’s being difficult and disruptive. Your DH should put his son first (and you of course, but definitely his son) and stay at home with your other DS and the 4 of you have a family day. I know it’s short notice but all the shops still have what’s needed food-wise, and are open again on Boxing Day.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:16

Pinkissmart · 19/12/2025 21:10

You’re unreasonable to take your son anywhere with elderly people if he has shingles. You should all stay home.

Ive had shingles a few times and was told, by my dr, to avoid children and the elderly

If you only have blisters on the back and the child is old enough to not touch his back (weirdly he says it doesn't itch nor does it hurt) and everyone has had chicken pox it's impossible to spread it.

The Dr in our family said not to worry unless she was going to lick his back🤢🤣

OP posts:
TheatricalLife · 19/12/2025 21:16

Health anxiety can be totally nonsensical unfortunately. It's not stubbornness, it's fear.
If I was your DH, I would split the day in half and make sure that he was home with you two for the morning or evening. I'm sure your MIL would understand that.

Owly11 · 19/12/2025 21:18

She is perfectly entitled to say no but i think that means the four of you stay home. You can't split up the family over xmas.

Christmaseree · 19/12/2025 21:20

Has she had chicken pox?

Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:21

TheMimsy · 19/12/2025 21:15

@arcticpandas massive squishes to you and your son. Shingles is awful. I have a weakened immune system and get it monthly often more than one case triggered by stress, heavy period, illness, run down.. moon phases… it seems constant.

It’s on my ample behind and lower back and in the 13 years I’ve had it no one has licked me or caught it. I am tempted to rub my bum on door handles of people that annoy me though.

I am another one voting for you all staying at home. It’s either a whole family unit that attends or none of you.

I am tempted to rub my bum on door handles of people that annoy me

🤣🤣🤣 I am not going to tell him this or he will surely do that next time his brother tell him to away..

So sorry for your pain though- it must be awful. You might not want to tell people because others might be like Mil and you'd be ostracisted.

OP posts: