Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

[arcticpandas]

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family.

She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex.

Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"?

(And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

@Soontobe60 the info you have posted is for someone who has chickenpox and how they transmit chickenpox to other people. Shingles is different and does not pass on chickenpox through the air. If the shingles rash can be covered so there's no touching of the rash then it's unlikely for chickenpox to be passed to others

I think some posters didn't see what I wrote in an earlier post:

DS1 wants to have christmas at GMs because that is what christmas is about for him. If it would make him happy to have his dad and ds2 at home then they would stay at home. He really does not care if they stay or go as long as I stay with him. He's not very social at his best- and just want things as they are "supposed to be". If I asked him if he wants dad and ds2 to stay at home he will say that it doesn't matter because it's not christmas anyway. I honestly think that he will be happier with just me rather than his grumpy father (oh yeah he'd be grumpy for himself and for his mum even though he would stay home if I told him to) and his brother who he keep having conflicts with.

I KNOW that he would be happy having a good meal with me, opening gifts, eating chocolate while I agree to watch silly you tube videos of people farting in public (torture- but for christmas I will do it for him). And letting him play video games which He's not allowed to in the evening. So he will be sad at first but he will get over it.

As for Mil she's heartbroken the poor woman. She is a gentle and kind soul and it hurts her the most not to have my son. She really loves him, especially because he's vulnerable. She even watch fart prank videos with him and laughs and she's quite a distinguished person so this shows the efforts she's willing to do in order to connect with him.

He called her yesterday and asked her if dhe was really afraid or if it was that she didn't want him there because she didn't love him. She reassured him ofcourse. I had her on the phone this morning and she was crying- poor woman. I really can't hold this against her. She's convinced that she got contaminated with the shingles from a friend so no matter what the science may say it won't change anything. It's like she's got some ptsd response to those weeks she was in awful pain. I have reassured her and told her that she will make it up to DS1 afterwards having just him over for a lovely day and spoil him rotten with his favourite foods and videos etc and she calmed down a bit.

I feel bad for moaning about her- even if it's only here and thank god she doesn't know of MN😅. This is really just a case of being understanding of another person's perceived level of threat which no scientific arguments can fight against.

I did tell her to get vaccinated asap which she will do on Monday.

Thank you all for your comments and have a lovely christmas! 🩷

It sounds like you're making the best of a very difficult situation. My niece is autistic and a comparable situation a couple of years ago led to splitting the family at Christmas. She didn't care about that, she just mourned the original plan.

My DH can't make immunity to chicken pox and has had it several times, each time worse than the last. The most recent time, he had meningitis and it was only the lumbar puncture which showed it was caused by chicken pox. He hadn't even got any spots. I'm afraid we wouldn't spend time with people who had shingles and not because like your poor mil, we think it's contagious but because with dh's medical history, we simply don't know how he will react to the virus even with a tiny theoretical risk to exposure. The meningitis was bad enough. Sometimes that level of trauma leaves a mark and it's regrettable that it's at Christmas.

I hope you all have as lovely a day as possible.

I had shingles when I was pregnant. When they suspected shingles I was sent to the local hospital and they wouldn’t allow me to come in. I had to wait outside, and then be escorted via back passages avoiding other patients. I assumed it was because I was a contagious risk to them …?

It would be dangerous because you could contaminate people with chicken pox if they haven't had it. To be avoided- especially for pregnant women..

Sorry OP, your MIL is not a lovely woman if she would rather her son went to her than stayed at home with his own family. What sort of Christmas are you going to have? Your MIL has other company. If a family can’t travel as a whole on Christmas Day, then they can stay together. You can have a meal with your MIL after Christmas. This is what most grandparents would suggest.

Some people can have chicken pox more than once

@Changename12 the MIL obviously has an aversion to shingles/chicken pox due to prior experience which is making her act like this. It may be irrational to others but to her it makes sense. Bearing in mind OP's DS has OCD so again will have rational to him but irrational actions to others, so it may be a family trait.

MIL sounds lovely but can't get past the fear of shingles, which is devastating her.

Would you be able to FaceTime her at all during the day or would that be more distressing?

Has he had the anti-viral?

If you take the anti-viral within a few days of it starting you can be over it in a week.

I had a friend come to stay with me and when she arrived she said she really wasn't well. It had just started that morning while travelling. She went to bed. Later she was trying to get up and told me she had blisters. Immediately knew it was shingles. Took her to an out of ours GP. She got anti-viral. She felt poorly for a couple of days, by day 4 she was over it. Blisters gone. She was in work the following week completely back to normal.

Dr said if she took the anti-virals within 72hrs it stops it (for most people).

So if he's had the antivirals - perfectly reasonable to expect him to be over it by middle of next week.

Well then in summary ..you have a husband problem, him being grumpy putting his mother first insteadof his wife and children. What a peach of a man he is. Good luck with that going forward OP. The man is an absolute pillock,he is a disgusting human being.

Don't punish ds for her being irrational - if someone gets left out it should be her, not him.

He’s being rude beyond belief !

I would say that both him and ds2 could of course be carrying the infection / after all your DH has been grumpy which is a sign he’s going down with something

There’s some horrible comments on here about OP’ mother in law - really shows the hidden ageism and internalised misogyny that lurks just below the surface of so many people 😢

MIL is entitled to her fear of shingles. What no good MIL would do is want to split a family with children up for Christmas because she wants to see her son.

So sorry for your dilemma OP. But as some have said, if he has already started the anti virals, there is another 5 days until Christmas, it could have all dried up by then? The meds usually start to work almost straight away, and hes young. I hope it all works out for you. X

Its not ageism at all. She would rather split a family up for xmas to appease herself. If she was going to be alone, id be more understanding but she has other guests for xmas day.

The shingles child has autism, chamge from the norm is not going to be fun. He may well be saying its ok now, come the day I think it will be a different story.

@arcticpandas

op’s husband can go visit his mum for a couple of hours at some point on Christmas. It’s a long day. A couple of hours out to spend time with other family is no big deal

So are we talking 2hrs between breakfast and dinner or we talking about 12 til 4 with the dinner at MILs? There's a difference.

But what about you OP? Don't you want to spend Christmas day with your other child and husband?

You don't want to criticise anyone but it's ridiculous that your hisband would ruin Christmas with his wife and children by being grumpy because he wants to be with his mummy.
And your MIL is not lovely for upsetting your son and excluding him from Christmas and emotionally blackmailing you all into splitting up your family on Christmas day to get everything her own way. She's incredibly selfish.

Ohhh I never thought to to push to be seen by them. It’s taken me 8 years to get them to push it further and be seen by immunology. No answers. Just told to take the meds daily and they couldn’t answer about possible health ramifications of long term use.

I currently have facial neuralgia which is driving me mad.

I know mine was triggered by extreme stress and continues to flare up when I’m stressed or run down etc.

I’ve tried getting the vaccine privately but it’s unlicensed if you’re under 50. I keep getting them on my face. I’ve just had them above my eyebrow and they were giving me an awful headache and I could barely open the eye below on some days. The time before was my chin and that was a different burning pain and at times it felt like I could feel the pain coming up my spine and a new blister would appear where it ended. I finally got to see a doctor and she was lovely and incredibly helpful and arranged lots of tests for me and as they couldn’t find a reason, I got passed on to the hospital. I’ve had them on my chin a few times, my back, my stomach, top of my thigh and the back of my neck.

A few of my family get them recurring from a young age so it could possibly be a genetic quirk. I’m also wondering if it could be linked to covid. I’m constantly ill as I’m run down and picking up other bugs which my body is then struggling to fight. I’m sick of it. When you next get them ask the doctor if you can do a swab of the fluid and see if they’ll investigate why you’re getting them. My doctor took me very seriously as I was starting to think I was going daft. I hope you manage to sort something. My doctor said I was too young to be living with this sort of pain without there being a reason for it.

Could you do a face time call with everyone on Christmas day so that your son and MIL see each other and have a chat?

Really? A disgusting human being? 🤦‍♀️😂

As a doctor has said that it’s not contagious and she still won’t budge, I’d have a family Christmas at home. Why should you miss out as well? Tell her that you’ll celebrate with her in January.

If she won't budge then why isn't the whole family staying? It's not fair on your son everyone else getting to go and not your son and yourself.