Page 11 | Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

arcticpandas · 2025-12-19T20:27:43+00:00

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family. She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex. Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"? (And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

Violinist64 · 20/12/2025 18:40

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

It's because you have had chickenpox that you can get shingles as it the same virus that lies dormant in your body and can be reactivated when you are under stress. If you haven't had chickenpox, you can't get shingles.

Sickdissapointed · 20/12/2025 18:51

When we have chicken pox - normally as a child we all carry the virus. If we are run down sometimes ill with something else the virus can be activated and shingles appear. Shingles is only a risk to someone whose immunity is compromised -( chemo - organ transplantation) or has not had chicken pox. 99% of the population have acquired immunity.

Lisa46 · 20/12/2025 18:52

Shining star2 - You can only get shingles if you have had chickenpox in the past - the virus lies dormant in your body and comes out as shingles when you are run down.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/12/2025 19:08

RightOnTheEdge · 20/12/2025 14:48

But what about you OP? Don't you want to spend Christmas day with your other child and husband?

You don't want to criticise anyone but it's ridiculous that your hisband would ruin Christmas with his wife and children by being grumpy because he wants to be with his mummy.
And your MIL is not lovely for upsetting your son and excluding him from Christmas and emotionally blackmailing you all into splitting up your family on Christmas day to get everything her own way. She's incredibly selfish.

💯

Buffs · 20/12/2025 19:22

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:12

Wow. Thank you all for posting. Will try to answer questions:

Christmas is always at Mil's- family tradition- she loves hosting and we usually bring drinks/desert/chocolate/cheese/salmon etc so it won't be too much work for her. We live 30 minutes away from her so dh and ds2 will not sleep there. Dh is her only son he has to go.

She loves my sons as much as I do and it will be painful for her not having them both at hers. If that wouldn't be the case I would have told dh to stay home. But she's really afraid- she had an awful experience with shingles for weeks with awful pain. She has never been like this when the children are sick with something else. When one had fever she still wanted him to come (I declined) so she's not normally like this.

What annoys me is that she doesn't get that it's not contagious- a doctor in our family even tried to explain it to her to no avail. I think we just have to accept it and I will make it up to ds1 (plenty of chocolate and video games allowed). It's just frustrating when people are stubborn and won't believe scientifical facts.

You say ,Christmas is always at MIL’s house and your husband has to go. The majority of respondents have suggested having a family Christmas at home. You have explained the science to your MIL she is not accepting it.
You've posted for advice, why not accept it? Don’t split your family and upset your son, put your son first, you have the power to do that.

Buffs · 20/12/2025 19:27

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:25

No, her brother and her Sil. But she would be devastated.

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So you choose between disappointing your MIL or your son. Your MIL is an adult, your son is a child. Put your child first have a family Christmas at home.

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 19:32

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

You get shingles because you've had chicken pox and come into contact with it again.

Zonder · 20/12/2025 19:33

Is there anyone who hasn't told @shiningstar2 you can only get shingles if you've had chicken pox yet? I'd hate the thread to fill up before everyone has had a turn 😂

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 19:34

Lisa46 · 20/12/2025 18:52

Shining star2 - You can only get shingles if you have had chickenpox in the past - the virus lies dormant in your body and comes out as shingles when you are run down.

Yes, I had it when I had just had a baby and all four of my children had chicken pox. I had chicken pox as a child.

dementedpixie · 20/12/2025 19:34

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 19:32

You get shingles because you've had chicken pox and come into contact with it again.

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Coming in contact with shingles or chickenpox does not cause shingles to activate. Exposure to wild chickenpox is supposed to boost the immune system in someone who has had CP before and help prevent shingles

NoisyMonster678 · 20/12/2025 19:47

Your MIL is quite happy to split her family up and ruin her grand sons' xmas.

Xmas is about the season of good will to all but your MIL is exempt.

She's put you in an awful and very awkward situation there OP.

Original poster

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 19:47

Buffs · 20/12/2025 19:22

You say ,Christmas is always at MIL’s house and your husband has to go. The majority of respondents have suggested having a family Christmas at home. You have explained the science to your MIL she is not accepting it.
You've posted for advice, why not accept it? Don’t split your family and upset your son, put your son first, you have the power to do that.

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I have tried to explain that DS1 is not bothered about his dad or brother staying at home. He's happier to be alone with me because I will give him 100% attention and do what he wants to do.

What he wants is go to Mils as per tradition. This is not happening so second best is being alone with me. I understand that it can be hard to get but he's autistic and believe me if he'd be happier with dad and brother staying at home then that's what they would do.

OP posts:

Original poster

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 19:50

NoisyMonster678 · 20/12/2025 19:47

Your MIL is quite happy to split her family up and ruin her grand sons' xmas.

Xmas is about the season of good will to all but your MIL is exempt.

She's put you in an awful and very awkward situation there OP.

She's lovely really but very frightened. She's one of the most altruistic persons I know and it breaks her heart not having DS1 there. It really does.

OP posts:

Yourcatisnotsorry · 20/12/2025 20:05

DH and your other child stay with you. No question.

MMAS · 20/12/2025 20:08

It would be helpful to know your MIL's age. I ask, because the shingles vaccine is only given to people over a certain age. To get it, you have to be classed as vulnerable i.e. have existing conditions like heart, cancer - the umbrella for this can vary but for example I have Essential Thrombocythemia and have had two heart stents. Aged 64 and, was only allowed the singles vaccine (at 62 - not allowed normally) because of these conditions. Your MIL is not being difficult - you need to understand that the fact she has had it once already means she is highly likely to get infected again. The older you are the worse it is. It is not only extremely unpleasant the older you are and, there is a reason they say no-one with it should be around babies and older people which should at least give you an indication of how dangerous a virus it can be. You need to plan to have a family Christmas at home this year with your in-laws. I would also be checking with your Doctor how vulnerable your Son now is to having it again given he is autistic. Also, assume you know not to share towels etc with other family members to keep them safe albeit that isn't guaranteed.

LAMPS1 · 20/12/2025 20:11

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 19:50

She's lovely really but very frightened. She's one of the most altruistic persons I know and it breaks her heart not having DS1 there. It really does.

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It seems you have your answer then OP.
You split up for part of the day at least, and everybody is happy.
I’m sure your lovely MIL will be very understanding about the reduced time but enjoy the company for a couple of hours anyway. Hopefully, she will send treats back home for you and your son.

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 20:20

dementedpixie · 20/12/2025 19:34

Coming in contact with shingles or chickenpox does not cause shingles to activate. Exposure to wild chickenpox is supposed to boost the immune system in someone who has had CP before and help prevent shingles

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I simply don't believe this. My four children had it and then I got shingles.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 20/12/2025 20:26

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

You can only get shingles if you have already had chickenpox. The chickenpox virus remains in your body, and can re-emerge as shingles years later.

A person can get chickenpox from contact with someone with active shingles, but not the other way round.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 20/12/2025 20:27

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 20:20

I simply don't believe this. My four children had it and then I got shingles.

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A coincidence

Tulipsriver · 20/12/2025 20:37

I can't get over your DH and other son still going to your MIL's.

Maybe popping in for a couple of hours if she was going to be completely alone, but that's not the case. Why are her feelings more important than yours or your son's? (I'm assuming you'd like to spend Xmas day with both your children and your husband?).

Mere1 · 20/12/2025 20:49

KimuraTan · 19/12/2025 20:33

Your Mil is entitled to feel as she does - shingles is awful. You should respect her wishes. Let your husband visit his Mum and stay at home if you can.

This is ridiculous. Shingles is not transferable.

Retrogamer · 20/12/2025 21:01

I can't really add to the conversation since its been repeated multiple times. I just hope you and DS are able to make a good Christmas together, and I hope he is over the worst of shingles and feels better soon.

Original poster

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 21:03

MMAS · 20/12/2025 20:08

It would be helpful to know your MIL's age. I ask, because the shingles vaccine is only given to people over a certain age. To get it, you have to be classed as vulnerable i.e. have existing conditions like heart, cancer - the umbrella for this can vary but for example I have Essential Thrombocythemia and have had two heart stents. Aged 64 and, was only allowed the singles vaccine (at 62 - not allowed normally) because of these conditions. Your MIL is not being difficult - you need to understand that the fact she has had it once already means she is highly likely to get infected again. The older you are the worse it is. It is not only extremely unpleasant the older you are and, there is a reason they say no-one with it should be around babies and older people which should at least give you an indication of how dangerous a virus it can be. You need to plan to have a family Christmas at home this year with your in-laws. I would also be checking with your Doctor how vulnerable your Son now is to having it again given he is autistic. Also, assume you know not to share towels etc with other family members to keep them safe albeit that isn't guaranteed.

She's 85. Got vaccinated today but it takes 7 days to work she was told.

Sharing towels- no way. I find that grim and my autistic son who is suffering from OCD would never do that. He's taking cleanliness and hygiene to another level even by MN standards..

OP posts:

Orwellwasright2020 · 20/12/2025 21:07

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 07:28

Who said I moaned to her? That's what I use MN for. I calmly tried to explain how contagion works and then said OK I'll stay at home with DS1 when I realised it was mission impossible to get through to her.

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So, your husband and your family will all stay home and have a nice Christmas together then presumably.

Sounds sensible since your son could indeed give people chickenpox and your husband could indeed infect them too.

Zonder · 20/12/2025 21:29

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 20/12/2025 20:27

A coincidence

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Some people don't believe on coincidence! Or that having four children with chicken pox might run you down a bit so you are more likely to get shingles...