Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Explain that working from home is WORKING

441 replies

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:28

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

OP posts:
BillieWiper · 19/12/2025 12:32

Just tell him 'my working hours are X til y. I can sometimes take a break for lunch, sometimes not. But I need to concentrate so please do not ask me things or show me things during working hours. I'll let you know if I have a break that we can spend together.'

Then if he won't listen tell him he's to leave the house during the day.

Sneesellsseashells · 19/12/2025 12:32

I’m sorry @wfhorwtf what does it mean that he doesn’t understand that work is work? He does understand that, how could he not but what he is saying is that in spite of you working his getting attention is more important to him. That is utterly controlling and I would not be one bit happy with that.

idkbroidk · 19/12/2025 12:34

at best, he's really stupid

at worst, he's controlling

either scenario is pretty bad

idkbroidk · 19/12/2025 12:34

at best, he's really stupid

at worst, he's controlling

either scenario is pretty bad

idkbroidk · 19/12/2025 12:34

at best, he's really stupid

at worst, he's controlling

either scenario is pretty bad

rubyslippers · 19/12/2025 12:36

He can’t be that stupid that he thinks a desk based job isn’t work?
I think you’re fundamentally incompatible - I bet his ex wasn’t scrolling through socials. She was probably working

Changingplace · 19/12/2025 12:36

Say to him would he understand if you left the house every day and sat in an office all day on on a computer & did your meetings face to face, that in that scenario you wouldn’t be able to answer his calls and messages all day?

Yep? So working at home is the same, he’s being ridiculous and a bit stupid.

Shedmistress · 19/12/2025 12:37

Close the door and tell him you'll be down at 1. Then close the door after lunch and tell him you'll be down at 5. For every time he interrupts, add on half an hour to your timings.

BeddieT · 19/12/2025 12:37

I had this with various family members, thinking I could just do this that, and everything for them because I worked from home. I am self-employed, so I have a bit more flexibility, but I do still have to work! I just had to spell it out very loud and clear to them, and it's been fine since then. I do the odd favour if I can, but they no longer expect it.

Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

Sneesellsseashells · 19/12/2025 12:32

I’m sorry @wfhorwtf what does it mean that he doesn’t understand that work is work? He does understand that, how could he not but what he is saying is that in spite of you working his getting attention is more important to him. That is utterly controlling and I would not be one bit happy with that.

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

OP posts:
Sanasaaa · 19/12/2025 12:38

I agree with @idkbroidk
Of course he understands, he just does not care and sees himself as more important than your employment.
Is it enhancing your life to house this man? It might be better to just date him rather than have him being demanding and entitled in your property.

SpaceRaccoon · 19/12/2025 12:41

Honestly he sounds dim and attention-seeking.

MsTiggy · 19/12/2025 12:43

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

Show quote history

I think , based on this description, he sounds quite thick.

justpassmethemouse · 19/12/2025 12:43

Shedmistress · 19/12/2025 12:37

Close the door and tell him you'll be down at 1. Then close the door after lunch and tell him you'll be down at 5. For every time he interrupts, add on half an hour to your timings.

True, but it’s not fair to OP to be stuck working into the evening because their partner doesn’t believe they are working (or whatever the hell he’s thinking.)

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/12/2025 12:44

‘You are currently disrespecting me and my work. Thinking, analysing and writing are the work. It is difficult, and I am paid to do it. Interrupting me repeatedly is the equivalent of walking onto a worksite and asking questions while someone is mid-task. When I am working, I am not available, whether it looks busy to you or not.

‘Do not do this again.’

Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:45

rubyslippers · 19/12/2025 12:36

He can’t be that stupid that he thinks a desk based job isn’t work?
I think you’re fundamentally incompatible - I bet his ex wasn’t scrolling through socials. She was probably working

I don't think she was working on her phone , as her job was very much in the "real world" (a cashier, I think). I know this (her socials addiction) has been a big issue for him in the past and led to them breaking up, so it's probably a sensitive subject.
He isn't stupid at all, he just hasn't had any previous exposure to this kind of work. From his point of view, he's only asking for a few seconds of my time every time. From mine, it means dropping out of a task entirely and then trying to get back into it again. Maybe it's my brain that is broken here!

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 19/12/2025 12:45

Well, I get that he has no experience of this type of work, and if it doesn't look like work to him, perhaps he thinks it isn't proper work. But not to be able to understand when someone explains to him, then he's either very thick, or doesn't really care 🤷

CurbsideProphet · 19/12/2025 12:45

If he's between jobs he could do with leaving you to do yours, to make sure the bills can be paid.

I'm sorry but I couldn't have that kind of behaviour, especially not in my own home that I pay for.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/12/2025 12:45

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

Show quote history

But you’ve told him it’s not free time. You’ve been explicit about this. If he’s not accepting that, then he’s being a disrespectful dick.

itsthetea · 19/12/2025 12:46

You don’t need to explain - you already have

am working, I need to concentrate and since you won’t shut up then you can leave … edit your choice for good or until 5pm

Biscuitburglar · 19/12/2025 12:46

Could you sit him in your chair at the desk and ask for his attention for a full hour and talk him through exactly what you are currently working on, why and how? Show him your calendar, today’s emails and what you need to achieve in detail in the next week and more broadly in the next month? And see if that helps?

I’m in a similar position in that I work from home in a very data heavy role that needs a lot of close attention, whereas my husband thrives on social interaction and if he’s home he takes a lot of calls. If he doesn’t talk to anyone for an hour, he either interrupts me or has long and involved conversations with the dog.

From the New Year, I’ve already decided that I’m going to go in to the office another day per week!

Catza · 19/12/2025 12:46

Sneesellsseashells · 19/12/2025 12:32

I’m sorry @wfhorwtf what does it mean that he doesn’t understand that work is work? He does understand that, how could he not but what he is saying is that in spite of you working his getting attention is more important to him. That is utterly controlling and I would not be one bit happy with that.

Will have to agree with this. I work from home. I see clients for virtual consultations. My last two partners would constantly expect me to sign for deliveries, let an electrician in or similar. These things would be booked entirely without a discussion with me and just dumped on me in the form of "oh yeah, I have something coming between 12 and 2 today that you need to sign for. What do you mean you can't pause your consultation. Of course you can, it only takes a minute"...
They understood. They just didn't care.

Stade197 · 19/12/2025 12:48

I feel he is just being a bit ignorant here, it can't be that hard to understand your work, I've always done manual work in warehouses but even I can understand that if you need to be in your room working in peace then you are not to be disturbed.

If he can't understand that then tell him if he doesn't stop interrupting you then you may need to put a lock on the door because you need to be undisturbed to complete your work

itsthetea · 19/12/2025 12:48

He doesn’t need to understand

he needs to accept

beAsensible1 · 19/12/2025 12:48

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:45

I don't think she was working on her phone , as her job was very much in the "real world" (a cashier, I think). I know this (her socials addiction) has been a big issue for him in the past and led to them breaking up, so it's probably a sensitive subject.
He isn't stupid at all, he just hasn't had any previous exposure to this kind of work. From his point of view, he's only asking for a few seconds of my time every time. From mine, it means dropping out of a task entirely and then trying to get back into it again. Maybe it's my brain that is broken here!

Show quote history

close the door to the office and put a dnd sign on the door.

Put in some ear plugs so you can ignore him if he shouts you.