Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

You really should consider if you want this to be your life.

You sound too kind and too patient.

I don't work in your field AT ALL, but I can grasp that you need to concentrate and stay in your train of thoughts. It's not just your job, many others need to concentrate, and disruption ruins their work.

You had good advice, but I would also ask him to respect you and frankly to trust you: you are not on social media (well.. 😂) but when you tell him you NEED 6 or 8 hours without interruption, you NEED to work, you are genuine. If he cares, he will believe you and respect you. You are not his ex.

If he's bored, he needs to take himself outside or entertain himself, but you are not there. Why is it up to him to make all the effort to explain etc, and not up to him to make the effort to understand and accept it?

You shouldn't have to explain anything. Unless he has the IQ of a toddler he should get it.

I'm a bit worried for you OP, however "lovely" he is in other ways. He is attention-seeking without showing any respect for something extremely important to you. He doesn't NEED to understand what you're doing. You've told him you are working and don't want to be interrupted because it disturbs your much-needed concentration. That should be enough. More than enough. You shouldn't even have to say it twice, much less deal with him feeling all hurt/rejected. And now you're worried that what you're doing looks/sounds "idiotic"? No, no, this is all very wrong.

He sounds like a moron, frankly.

Yes, he is an attention seeker.

I think a lot of people who haven't or don't wfh have strange ideas about it. I worked from home a lot, and my mum, the nanny and various others seemed to think I could 'just' do things for them. The nanny would routinely arrive late on wfh days as I was there, despite being told that I needed to start at my usual time, and preferred to log on earlier as I had no commute so I could finish earlier and spend time with the children. This was in the 90s, so fewer people wfh than do now, though. My mum would ring for a chat, as she knew my husband was at work, so wouldn't disturb him. Disturbing me wasn't a consideration. I was often asked to wait in for deliveries by friends. Occasionally I didn't mind, as I could take my laptop, but I wasn't offering a service.

Also, a lot of people struggle to understand that not everyone thinks as they do, or that brains are wired in different ways. In your shoes I would spell out to him that however his mind works, you need to have uninterrupted time to do what you're doing. If he interrupts, start again, and keep telling him until it sinks in.

His mum indeed was a SAHM, as was his ex-wife, and in his other long term relationships he was very much always the main breadwinner. That said, he's never had a slightest issue with women working. If anything, he's the opposite, been quite proudly telling his friends that I earn more than he does.

I’d tweak the analogy of the roofer- having to refuel every 30 miles perhaps or getting stuck behind a tractor- and add in that this is, unfortunately an absolute hard boundary. He must not interrupt you in your room, as it will interfere with you hitting your targets and potentially cause you to lose your job.

Similar analogy, you insisting he join you in a glass of wine at lunch when he’s driving that afternoon.

It’s one thing to find it hard to ‘get’ the issue. It’s another to think that because he doesn’t ‘get’ it, it doesn’t matter. That’s the issue.

It’s massively disrespectful to assume you are just making a fuss.

Tell him that you aren't ever available unless you have come out of your office.

How can he not understand what you are saying? He sounds like a child. My six year old grandaughter listens at the door and if she can't hear that her dad is on a call, she tries to go into his home office and I have to tell her that daddy is still working.

Is he a bit thick?

We've been together for th ebest part of a decade, and moved in in early November.

Of course!

The trouble is, if he isn't thick he is ignoring you!

I had a man come to lay a carpet a while back and at the time I was doing some boring, repetitive work and had Netflix on in the background keeping me company whilst I trawled through it. The man asked me derisively what I was doing and I said I was working and he said, "It looks like you're watching Netflix to me."

I could have told him that it looked to me like he was watching me instead of doing his job, but in the interests of being polite I did not. He then had the cheek to try to insist on me paying cash which I refused- if his job is so important and harder than mine he can pay tax. The carpet company went bust a few months later. I'm not surprised if their staff went around being so rude to paying customers.

I wonder if OP's boyfriend is the same person.

Even my 5yo could grasp "When Mummy is in her office, I can't come in" 🙄

He needs to pack it in. If needs be, get some noise cancelling headphones and ignore him when you are working until he gets the message.

You’ve been together for a decade and he has zero idea about what you do, and more importantly, zero respect and appreciation for it?

🤔🤔🤔

You really don’t need to be sitting him at your desk and trying to explain things to him so that he gets it.

its a very simple concept, if you are in your office (the box room) at your desk you are working and he shouldn’t be coming upstairs (I presume), or into the room to find you and show you some stupid bloody video or ask you some random question.
he wouldn’t go into your office if it was out of the home, so the same applies.

oh and he is controlling / stupid depending on the legitimacy of his comparison to his ex scrolling on her phone and you sitting at a computer. It’s illogical for someone not controlling / has intelligence.

but I think you’ve got a big problem brewing if he’s likely to take early retirement due to injury, it sounds like he’s bored and wants you to entertain him. That’s only going to get worse.

oh and finally how is he going to support himself or contribute to bills once he’s retired. Trades people are notoriously bad at having paid sufficiently into a pension and he doesn’t sound like he’s at state pension age.

Maybe you need to get properly angry with him, after you’ve repeated yourself about not being disturbed at work. If he does it again, then it can only be disrespect and dismissiveness, or really unpleasant selfishness. Any of which would make me properly cross and I think you should express that to him!

Why does he need to understand? Isn't it enough that you've told him to stop? Why can't he just do what you've asked of him?

He's probably a bit more attention-seeking at the moment because of the circumstances. He's always been a hard worker and a very active person, both socially and physically, and now he's stuck at home all day, bored out of his mind. On top of that, I'm here but not really available during work hours. I love him to bits, and I'm not a doormat (and he doesn't expect me to be). I'm just trying to be a bit kinder and more understanding right now.

He doesnt need to understand what you are doing. He needs to understand the "Do not disturb me".
I think you are making excuses for him, OP.

If you as him “why do you think it’s o to interrupt me while working?” what does he say? (sorry, the letter between j and l has stopped woring 🫤)

Early in the pandemic I had a similar situation with DH - I explained to him that him interrupting me was similar to me walking in on one of his consultations and asking him what he wanted for dinner. Silently sliding in a cup of tea ✅ showing a silly meme ❌. (And if he did slide in a cup of tea it would be best if he wore something he didn’t mind my colleagues seeing).

Oh, why do you have to be kinder and more understanding?? Why can’t he manage that? Ok he’s off work injured, and might have to retire, but what is he going to do when he does actually retire and you’re still working….? Bother you all day then as well?

This, and you need to stop making excuses for him. So many people seem to struggle to understand that when women WFH they are actually working and not at other people’s beck and call because they are not doing “proper” jobs.

It’s misogyny.