Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

He isn't stupid at all. What's probably been eye-opening for me is realising that I can't even explain what I do properly unless the other person already works in a similar field. From the outside, it genuinely does look like pressing a few buttons and staring at colourful graphs. And saying "and then I spend two hours reading papers and thinking about which button to press next" doesn't exactly help make it sound any less idiotic.

I do a similar job to you and I think you should stop trying to explain what you do and make it clear that he is not to interrupt you while you're sat at your desk unless there is some kind of emergency, regardless of how busy you may appear. I can understand how initially he might have thought that a brief interruption wouldn't matter, but if you've already explained to him that it breaks your concentration and asked him not to do it, then the problem is not him understanding your job, it's respecting your job. If I was you I would have been very offended to have my job compared to scrolling on a phone.

Tell him if he interrupts you one more time he has to move out. And mean it.

I understood he was working but didn’t appreciate the full on concentration required for certain tasks.

I have the type of job where I can be interrupted with the odd question / the doorbell going etc so I just didn’t fully appreciate how much I was annoying and distracting him from his work. To be fair it sounds like the OP has told her Dp and he’s choosing to ignore her!

It might help to take breaks at set times and let him know you can talk to him more freely then.

As others have said, this comes down to you setting clear boundaries during your working hours and him respecting them. You don’t need to justify the boundaries and he doesn’t need to understand the nature of your work that underpins them.

It sounds like he is either prioritising his desire for interaction over your need not to be disturbed or he has difficulty controlling his impulses (to interact).

Either way, this should be easily resolvable by you reiterating the boundaries you need and for him to take whatever action he needs to take to ensure he respects them. If he doesn’t, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship with this information in mind.

But it's still your work! He should be able to comprehend the notion that when working you're not available to entertain him because he - as a grown man - is bored.

Lots of us have been through this during Covid and since. A closed door is the best solution. My kids treat me like I'm not home if the door is closed, which it pretty much always is. I occasionally open it if I've got time to speak to them when they come in from school, and one kid comes in, give me a hug, tell me the news, then goes and get a snack, and I tell them. when I'm likely to finish. Husband chooses to work in a more communal space and gets interrupted more, but he works from home less often, he finds a silent room too intense! He quite likes it if I speak to him on my way to the kettle but I have to 'read' him not just launch into things.

He's not stupid, but he doesn't know what reading is. If you were stupid, you wouldn't be doing this job so clearly you're not, and you're telling us that he's not. I think at this point it's neck-and-neck for which of you is the most determinedly wilfully ignorant.

If he can’t leave you alone at work, he needs to be out of YOUR house between 9-5 or whatever your work hours are ( looking for a job). When I’m WFH, if anyone else is in the building I’m half expecting to be disturbed even if I’m not, I’m not concentrating fully. It’s hard to stay in work head mode when those around are waiting to pounce

He understands it just fine. He's not a toddler. He's just acting like one. I would get angry over this. Your work is your livelihood and he's fucking with how you support yourself.

He thinks he is your priority, not your work. He wants your attention and to him, that's more important than your work. He doesn't respect your work time.

Either move to the office job or you're not compatible living together due to his pestering you for attention constantly and sabotaging your work.

Are you supporting him?

Why the fuck do you need to explain anything other than "I'm working from this time until that time. Do NOT disturb me"??

I think you're wilfully ignoring this point now OP.

Have you any idea how many small children are able to grasp the concept that mummy is working from home and cannot be disturbed?

And here you are with a 'pretty amazing' grown man who apparently can't and his feelz get hurt when you 'reject' him?

How long has he been out of work?

But it doesn't matter. It's a running joke in our house that DP and DS (18) don't have a clue what my job is as it's nigh on impossible to explain to anyone outside the industry but the fact remains that when I'm working, they shouldn't interrupt me because I've asked them not to and they respect me. It's that simple

@wfhorwtfyour job isn’t impossible or difficult to explain! Even to someone who has only ever been exposed to manual work. Unless they are particularly poorly educated or a little bit dim, or the other possibility - a bit disrespectful and dismissive.

For a few months now, due to a serious workplace injury. It will likely continue for at least a few more weeks, and if things don't improve, it may mean retirement for him (he's nearly there age wise anyway).

I understand what you do and how you work from your posts op so it’s not how you’re explaining it, it’s that this numpty you’ve shacked up with doesn’t care to understand. This might be because he’s stupid, he doesn’t value non-manual labour, he cannot comprehend you’re doing anything intellectually challenging, he believes he is entitled to your time and headspace above all other considerations or something else entirely - you know him and I don’t. Mn is full of women wondering how to explain something simple to inconsiderate men. Personally I’d die inside if a romantic partner came into my work to stop what I was doing to show me a funny video like a small child would.

How long has he been living with you OP?

Ok I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not thick and he's not controlling and he's not a disrespectful turd, he just genuinely doesn't understand.

Is there a practical way you can explain this to him, since he's a do-er and doesn't understand that thinkers need time, space and silence to think? Because words aren't working here are they? Do-ers sometimes need to see something physically happening to understand it.

I'm absolutely loathe to treat grown men like children and teach them how to respect their partners... but, could you perhaps give him a really complicated "Thing" to do. Be it a puzzle or a piece of furniture that has a million steps written in Klingon, or a difficult Lego set. Set him the challenge of doing The Thing in X amount of minutes. Then while he's doing it, constantly interrupt him and pull his attention away from it, move the instructions or put your phone on them to show him something, tell him he's only doing Thing he should be able to stop for a minute, it's not like it's difficult to do Thing.

Explain that this is what he's doing to you - just because you're not physically doing something, doesn't mean you don't need your full attention focused on it.

A practical demonstration is sometimes more effective when someone is just completely failing to grasp the concept. Just an idea.

IT DOESN’T MATTER

Hr just needs to know you are working and leave you the fuck alone. All this explaining like he’s 5 is giving me associated rage 😆😆

He's not stupid, he just thinks his time is more important than yours. My DH works from home a lot so it helps he understands but he never opens my office door without asking first if I'm free or on a call.

Invest in a lock for the office door and some good headphones. Then hope he eventually takes the hint

I don't think this is fixable with explanations. The problem isn't that he doesn't understand some alien concept but that he's dimmer than a black hole.

You're making excuses for him. Of course, he has the brain capacity to realise that your work is different from other people's work. He just thinks it's not important enough.

I have had various versions of this throughout my life, including with partners. People do seem to think you are free for coffee or a chat when you're wfh! The difference is, I've never had to tell anyone more than once that my work hours are x to x and I need to focus and have silence then.

If he’s not stupid then he’s deliberately choosing to misunderstand the situation to justify boundary stomping.
it’s time HE went back to work.

He's a grown man nearing retirement age. If he genuinely doesn't understand the concept of concentrating on a thing then he is very, very thick.