Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

My partner has recently moved in. and he'll soon be moving out at this rate.
Get rid. You're not compatible.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

Write it on the back of his colouring book in crayon?

Sorry OP but he sounds spectacularly thick and you're either far too understanding, or you're making excuses for it.

We have a similar dynamic here. I had to be fairly firm with my partner but he did respect that. I try to always stop and sit with him for half an hour at lunch, and occasionally a quick coffee, but otherwise I am in my study, door closed and occasionally with earplugs in.

Close the door.
Put an engaged or busy sign on it?

It's not about understanding. You have told him more than once not to interrupt you and he continues to do it. He just thinks what he wants is more important than what you want or need.

Could you sit him in your chair at the desk and ask for his attention for a full hour and talk him through exactly what you are currently working on, why and how? Show him your calendar, today’s emails and what you need to achieve in detail in the next week and more broadly in the next month? And see if that helps?

Kind of like a 'take your child to work day'?

An actual adult shouldn't need this level of help to understand the simple concept of work.

Look he's either stupid or he doesn't give a shit. Neither are good.

You'd laugh, but I genuinely thought about switching to a more office-based role in the new year for exactly this reason. And yes, my DP sounds very similar too in that he really needs social interaction and tends to take even small rejections quite personally.

I don't think he is being truthful with you. In the trades there are plenty of times where you quietly look at things and, problem solve, think and plan. My DH's biggest bug bear with his apprentice is that he constantly fills the silence and distracts others. He must know you contribute to finances so you're doing 'something'.

You've let this man move into your home and he's causing such a problem that you're now having to consider switching to a different role?

Catch yourself on.

And don't ever have kids with him if he's not grown up enough to not take 'even small rejections quite personally'.

This is right. What a dense view. How does the think the world functions?

Can you explain it to him in relation to his job, e.g. him interrupting you is like him being called from the roof of a house, having to come down the scaffolding, looking at a silly video for 10 seconds and then having to climb all the way back up again, cos that's what your brain is having to do.

How would he respond to you literally scheduling him in? For example you might tell him that you’ll take a lunch break at 1pm or a coffee break at 11am and be available to hang out for x mins.

My children understood the concept of their dad WFH before they started primary school. They knew it meant don’t go in his room and pretend he’s not at home until he leaves the room. I think that your partner doesn’t consider you line of work as real work because to him, computers are for growing the Internet and playing games.

This is just my idea of a nightmare.
He is not 4. You are not his mother.
WFH has been going on for long enough now for people to get the concept.
I should imagine your hard work also pays for your lovely home.
To be thinking about finding work in an office is just depressing.
These feelings of rejection he has are red flags flying at full mast.
He is overriding you at every turn and if you keep allowing him to then you will have a full on cocklodger in situ.
He either leaves you alone while you are working or he moves out.
This is a slippery slope and is actually concerning.

"Takes small rejections quite personally"

Red flag.

He is needy and he has you walking on eggshells.

Its your fucking house!

Lay down the law and if he doesn't like it, out he goes.

It is really worrying that you are planning to change jobs rather than simply insisting on some basic respect in your own home.

I mean, wtf

He sounds very selfish and controlling.

I kind of get it because my brother has a manual job and his wife is a teacher and they just don't get how intense working from home can be. My work is full on from the moment I log on until I clock off, regardless of whether I'm in the office or at home. My brother in particular is constantly suggesting meeting up for a coffee or lunch during my working day or asking me if I can help him out with chores, and seems confused when I have to say no. To him working from home means not working. I think you probably have to sit down and explain this to your partner and tell him you're available to chat at certain times (when you stop for lunch or a coffee) but the rest of the time you need peace to concentrate.

Dp made a comment a few months ago that I didn't know what real work was as I sat talking to a screen all day. Didn't matter that I had 25 people in front of me I was lecturing. He apologised about 5 minutes after sending it though (he was lucky he did as I was about to go batshit on him).

Those who didn't sit at a screen all day, genuinely believe we do nothing. They don't see the head work that goes into it. I can often be online at 5am if there is something I want to get done in peace. I've moved house in a day and been less tired than what I am some days staring at a screen all day.

That must be frustrating. If he has only recently moved in - are you actually having doubts about whether this living together situation is actually working? I work at home at times, but also I like my own space/quiet time - and I would find having someone around 24x7, even if they weren't chatting to me - challenging. Hence the question.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet

My children think this - when I'm listening to someone on the phone, because I'm not actually talking, they'll try and whisper something to me!

They are in primary school though so I'm a bit worried that your DP hasn't worked this out yet.

You’re obviously quite a smart person so I have to ask why you’re with such a thicko. Does his lack of respect for your professional life not give you the instant ick?

sign on the door with office hours, these are the hours I'm PAID to work, regardless of if I am sitting here doing in your opinion nothing, Im being paid to be available for work, if it were me the moment he interupted me while on a work call hed have been packing his bags, he KNOWS what hes doing he doesnt thing your work is important enough - he doesnt respect you.

I tried to explain it in a way that would make sense, without getting into anything confidential. I said something like:

Today I'm working with this large set of data that's very dirty but valuable. I use algorithms to clean it, then I have to look carefully at what comes out, adjust how I'm doing it if the results aren't quite right, and sometimes try a few different approaches. A couple of junior colleagues then check the output manually to catch anything the computer might miss, while I document and version-control everything properly so other people can understand and repeat the work if needed.

Once that's done, I feed the cleaned data into a much larger process, which gives me results to interpret. Depending on what those results look like, I might need to change some settings and run it again. That's why I often can't say exactly how long something will take or when I'll be free. Sometimes it’s fairly quick, sometimes it takes most of the day.

His reaction wasn't meant to be dismissive. From his point of view, it still looked like I was just pressing a few buttons, and what do I even do the rest of the time.

Oh I am way past child bearing age. He's amazing in pretty much every other aspect.

And dim. Tell him It's paying the bills and to leave you the fuck alone.

You've let this man move into your home and he's causing such a problem that you're now having to consider switching to a different role? Catch yourself on.

Honestly this.