Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

He can see what exactly you are doing? Its none of his business to observe you.

It looks like he cant himself not to bother you. Thats what little children do.

He doesnt need to understand /which I doubt he doesnt/ he needs to respect when you say you, obviously/, dont want to be interrupted.

I hate people interrupting my thoughts. I cant go back easily either. I think that normal.

So he doesn't understand that there are jobs other than his? What a load of bollocks. Of course he does. He's just insufferably needy. Yuck.

This.

He won't stop unless the free ride stops.

Why are you make no excuses for a grown man messing with your livelihood? He gets mad when you ask him to stop interrupting? He's rude as hell.

Just because he's bored and not working doesn't mean you are his live in entertainment.

I absolutely agree but OP is determined to believe the best of him rather than accepting he's either stupid or enormously disrespectful, so rather than join the chorus of people already telling her that, I thought I'd try and offer an idea at a solution. I wouldn't put up with it myself, but she seems determined to stay with the buffoon so 🤷‍♀️

If he takes "even small rejections quite personally."

What's he like when you turn him down for sex?

Does he get upset/angry about that?

I suspect he probably does, but I also suspect you'll probably say he doesn't.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that stupid, OP. He's a grown man. If he can't understand the concept of careers that don't involve physically hauling things about, then he's both ignorant and extremely unobservant.

But I don't buy it. I think if he had actual mental challenges that made it hard for him to understand concepts like work, you would have mentioned it in your post. I think he does understand the concept, he just doesn't value your job and thinks your purpose is actually to attend to him all day.

He doesn't need to have experienced it. He doesn't even need to understand it. What he does need to do is listen to you and believe you when you tell him it is work - hard work - and his interruptions are making it far harder.
He sounds thick as shit but ultimately that's not the main problem here, it's the utter lack of respect for you and your job. If he can't respect you then I'd really rethink him living with you.

Why did he move in with you, was it your idea or his?

I think he is being a dick and maybe not compatible .Some men seem to think the little woman is doing some P/T work and it's not important! I think men in manual trades while skilled .struggle with "working from home " like it's a giant hobby or something!

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, and can hardly believe this has not already been suggested, so apologies for repetition. But, however you choose to explain the nature of the work to him, or not, what is stopping you from closing the door during working hours and putting a "do not disturb" notice on it? It's one thing for him to pass by casually and see you apparently "doing nothing" but quite another for him to wilfully open such a door and bother you when he has been asked not to. His reaction to a closed door might be instructive.

Jaysus it sounds as though you are having to explain it to a toddler. You'd certainly think once would be enough to put him straight about the actualité.

(If he’s a tradesman, why is he between jobs though? Isn’t the usual cry here that one can never ever get such a workman, be it plumber, electrician, carpenter etc? If he forms the opinion that you get your money for nothing, with no visible effort, mind he's not planning a life at yours as that great MN bogeyman, the CL!)

I think part of it is it is unlikely he will have grown up with a mother doing what was perceived as a serious role and if she did, it would not have been WFH. Also, the gender pay gap is bad in his line of work so attitudes to women can be some way behind. His age won’t help, neither will the fact some people pop out here are there during the working day. I’m not sure I have an answer. DH doesn’t disturb me while I am working. He used to annoy me by asking me if I was going to work, to which my reply was yes, I’m going to work but I’m not going into the office today.

I also think it’s bollocks that he doesn’t understand. But as others have said, he doesn’t need to understand, he just needs to respect your request.

l’m not a chef, or a surgeon, or a lorry driver, but I have a basic understanding of what those jobs might require. And if they explained the need for headspace/downtime after work or whatever, I would believe them and respect their request.

From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work

Oh OP. This says so much about him. There disrespect here that I think you're in danger of overlooking or making excuses for.

I know that some of this might be to do with him working in the trades and bad experience with his ex girlfriend.....but don't let those things blind you to the fact that this could simply be plain, old fashioned sexism -

Anything a man does is Very Important Work.
Mr Man did it, so it's valid.

Anything a woman does is trivial, easy or and not really work.

I have to wonder exactly how much his ex had a problem with social media use.

He's clearly a bit thick. My DS is 7 and has understood that he can't disturb his dad in his office since he was 4.

So he's recently moved in, he's currently 'between jobs' but will most likely end up retiring, and seems to want to be entertained throughout your working day.

I think he may be hoping you're a 'nurse with a purse'.

Get him to look at what you are doing and ask him how he would tackle it? Show him the report you have just written, get him to read it and hopefully see this is not just trivial stuff. If he's always done manual work it can be difficult to comprehend that thinking, coding and writing are actual work. You could try comparing his work to spending enjoyable time at the gym or going for a walk in the park or a bit of gardening to try to explain the difference.

I never say no to him for sex lol, I'm the one with much much higher libido.

My partner is only home one day when I'm WFH. He knows if the office door is shut, that is a do not disturb. Open and I can interact...my job involves changing tasks often so I have mental space to pick up and put down stuff if he has a quick question etc.

This is a good point actually.

If he moved into a house share with a male friend who WFH, I wonder if he'd have the same apparent lack of 'understanding' about the man's job?

In your entire relationship you've never said no to sex?

How long have you been together and when did he move in?

He doesn't have to understand what you do.

I don't get my DH's job. It's baffling to me.

However, when he works from home he needs to be left alone during his work time. That's not a difficult concept - even the 3yo understands it.

The issue isn't your job at all. It's his refusal to accept you telling him that you shouldn't be disturbed when you're working.

Takes small rejections quite personally

that he takes you needing to work, in peace, during your working hours as a rejection is a worrying and controlling manner.

Do you want to carry on living with him Op?

Tell him that when you are at your desk he needs to act like you are not at home. You are at an office and not contactable. You are only free at lunchtime. Shut the office door and tell him not to come in. If he can't listen then I would be getting angry.

It doesn’t matter! You don’t have to justify it.

honestly, dogs learn faster