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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD hasn’t changed one bit

131 replies

Heriam · 18/12/2025 23:44

DDs dad has always been a bully. They were estranged for 10 years. He’s been back 6 months and he already feels comfortable snapping at her and being abrasive.

The other day, she got in trouble for having him on loudspeaker whilst she did her hair. He lectured her and said don’t do it just ring me tomorrow. She responded with OK fine.

2 minutes later he rang back twice. Then text saying:

Don’t you ever speak to me me like that again. I don’t know who you think you are.

3 minutes later he followed up with:

And don’t ring me again unless it’s to apologise.

She responded with:

I feel so nervous to speak to you because you get angry so quickly 😭😭😭😭😭 I just wish we could have nice conversations as I get anxious 😭😭😭

He’s started true to his ultimatum and hasn’t spoken to her since.

She is now querying whether she should say sorry just incase he doesn’t speak to her again. My position is, HELL NO.

When we were together, he was a violent bully. He did exactly the same thing to me. Teach me how to comply using the silent treatment.

Should she say sorry? Or risk estrangement again by holding firm?

OP posts:
ThisAutumnTown · 18/12/2025 23:46

How old is she?
For her safety and peace, I’d recommend cutting contact if possible. She needs to know that it’s not ok for him to speak to her like that and that she doesn’t have to accept it.

enidblythe · 18/12/2025 23:48

i don’t know the right advice but I would suggest something equivalent of the freedom programme for her - if there is such a thing. So she will not be held to ransoms and emotional bullying.
please please get her some child therapy or psychotherapy through play to work through this and learn her boundaries. Th only way to break the cycle so she doesn’t in up in a similar relationship in later life.

Windowcleaning · 18/12/2025 23:49

No, she should not say sorry as she has nothing to say sorry for.

I don't think it's possible estrangement that's the risk tbh. The risk, which seems pretty high from what you've said, is him treating her as he did you.

CamillaMcCauley · 18/12/2025 23:49

Estrangement seems like a good choice when the alternative is being abused.

Windowcleaning · 18/12/2025 23:51

He's trying to get into her head (or is already there). Don't let him. Tell her that she is worth more than that and if her dad or anyone else can't treat her well she needs to walk away.

InterestedDad37 · 18/12/2025 23:53

Persuade her to tell him to f ck off, get to hell, ask him who does he think he is, and to get out of her life forever. People like him are simply not worth the effort.

ThatCalmFinch · 18/12/2025 23:54

Why are you even asking this? protect your daughter from the abusive arsehole and teach her self worth.

ProfessorRedshoeblueshoe · 18/12/2025 23:55

She should go back to NC. Why did he get back in touch ?

203percent · 18/12/2025 23:56

She was quite brave & mature trying to tell him how she feels & his response is not to listen & comfort her or seek to make the relationship better, but to double down on emotionally manipulating her & making her feel bad.

Urgh. She's done nothing wrong. It's his loss for sure, not hers.

Poor kiddo. Any chance she could go& speak to someone neutral about her relationship with her dad & how to navigate this shit (and be told by someone other than you that it's not her fault?)

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2025 23:56

InterestedDad37 · 18/12/2025 23:53

Persuade her to tell him to f ck off, get to hell, ask him who does he think he is, and to get out of her life forever. People like him are simply not worth the effort.

This.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 18/12/2025 23:58

ThatCalmFinch · 18/12/2025 23:54

Why are you even asking this? protect your daughter from the abusive arsehole and teach her self worth.

Oh I don't know, maybe because she lived with an emotional abuser for years who gaslit and bullied her so needs a bit of reassurance and support from other women when she's trying to help her daughter to cope with the same abuser?

TiredLimeUnicorn · 18/12/2025 23:58

InterestedDad37 · 18/12/2025 23:53

Persuade her to tell him to f ck off, get to hell, ask him who does he think he is, and to get out of her life forever. People like him are simply not worth the effort.

This. And counselling so that she understands why she shouldn’t accept this behaviour from anyone, regardless of who they are.

JudgeBread · 19/12/2025 00:04

Don't train her to accept emotional abuse or she's going to end up stuck in the same situation you were one day. She shouldn't apologise, your gut response of HELL NO is the right one.

You've already done so much in breaking the cycle because look how brave she was, expressing her feelings so clearly. Help her keep her courage and understand that she doesn't have to accept this kind of thing from anyone, even her sperm donor.

ThatCalmFinch · 19/12/2025 00:11

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 18/12/2025 23:58

Oh I don't know, maybe because she lived with an emotional abuser for years who gaslit and bullied her so needs a bit of reassurance and support from other women when she's trying to help her daughter to cope with the same abuser?

Show quote history

Or she needs to stop minimising abuse, stop taking the path of least resistance and stand up and protect her daughter.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 19/12/2025 00:13

ThatCalmFinch · 19/12/2025 00:11

Or she needs to stop minimising abuse, stop taking the path of least resistance and stand up and protect her daughter.

Show quote history

You're just kicking someone who's down and pretending it's feminism.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 19/12/2025 00:15

@ThatCalmFinch I mean seriously there's nothing helpful about shaming other women for asking for advice.

Hippobot · 19/12/2025 00:18

I would urge her never to speak to the cunt again. If she accepts this from her father she may go on to end up in relationships with similar men. He doesn't deserve a daughter and she deserves peace and safety.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 19/12/2025 00:18

Get her a therapist who she likes and who she chooses.

Dont let her apologise, what advise would.ahe gice a friend....etc.
I'd be inclined to go round and slash his tires intervene tbh.

Ideally NC and Id be concerned about the type of man she'd date....

ThatCalmFinch · 19/12/2025 00:20

No - I'm really not, i'm not trying to shame the OP, i'm saying kids first, because if her mum won't stand up for her no-one will and i'm asking the OP to be strong, brave and to put her daughter first.

Itiswhysofew · 19/12/2025 00:21

There's no need for her to apologise to a bully. The nerve of him to say, "i dont know who you think you are?". I'd laugh in his face. What an entitled arsehole. Get rid of him.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 19/12/2025 00:24

ThatCalmFinch · 19/12/2025 00:20

No - I'm really not, i'm not trying to shame the OP, i'm saying kids first, because if her mum won't stand up for her no-one will and i'm asking the OP to be strong, brave and to put her daughter first.

Edited

I absolutely agree with everything you've said except the "why are you asking" bit. I think that one of the awful things that abusers do to their victims is leave them genuinely not knowing when it's ok to stand up for themselves because an abuser will always paint that as aggressive or unhinged. So you doubt your own reactions and instincts and then when you're away from them you need an external steer sometimes.

Dollybantree · 19/12/2025 00:26

Wow. No of course she shouldn’t have anything to do with this vile, abusive bully ever again. Please get her to do the freedom programme as others have mentioned. She is following the exact same pattern you did with him.

She does not need this vile piece of crap in her life and you need to give her the courage to realise it is in her own best interests to cut him off for good.

My dh would never, ever speak to either of our dd’s like that. I’m raging on your behalf ❤️

WingsTingle · 19/12/2025 00:29

Hugs in solidarity, OP - my ex is much the same and it’s awful 😞 🤗

RosieSpring · 19/12/2025 00:34

OP you have some more healing to do that you are even asking this question. I really hope you get there.
Tell her to block him. He is not worth her.
Edited to add. Well done for breaking free. You and your DD owe him nothing.

PollyBell · 19/12/2025 00:37

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 18/12/2025 23:58

Oh I don't know, maybe because she lived with an emotional abuser for years who gaslit and bullied her so needs a bit of reassurance and support from other women when she's trying to help her daughter to cope with the same abuser?

Show quote history

Well unless someone does something she will probably go on to have the same relationship and continue the cycle, this is the father she is stuck with now for the rest of her life and yes this is harsh

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