DD hasn’t changed one bit

[Heriam]

DDs dad has always been a bully. They were estranged for 10 years. He’s been back 6 months and he already feels comfortable snapping at her and being abrasive.

The other day, she got in trouble for having him on loudspeaker whilst she did her hair. He lectured her and said don’t do it just ring me tomorrow. She responded with OK fine.

2 minutes later he rang back twice. Then text saying:

Don’t you ever speak to me me like that again. I don’t know who you think you are.

3 minutes later he followed up with:

And don’t ring me again unless it’s to apologise.

She responded with:

I feel so nervous to speak to you because you get angry so quickly 😭😭😭😭😭 I just wish we could have nice conversations as I get anxious 😭😭😭

He’s started true to his ultimatum and hasn’t spoken to her since.

She is now querying whether she should say sorry just incase he doesn’t speak to her again. My position is, HELL NO.

When we were together, he was a violent bully. He did exactly the same thing to me. Teach me how to comply using the silent treatment.

Should she say sorry? Or risk estrangement again by holding firm?

How did this fool wheedle his way back into her life? Court ordered?

Could you say what you mean by the title, *DD hasn’t changed one bit *because I'm wondering if I've misunderstood it.

I think it’s a typo, or omission - meant to read ‘DD’s dad hasn’t changed one bit’.

You've brought up a fine strong young woman there OP. Well done!

Someone needs to tell him to go fuck himself.

he's not a man he's a cunt.

She is 12 😱

Get him out her life and get her therapy!

She should be protected from this man by no contact.

Oh edited as just seen she is 12 its your responsibility to make sure she has no contact with this man unless supervised.change her number or block him all together

I was long term estranged from a violent, bullying father (age 17 until the miserable git finally died). I wanted to get away from him much younger, probably around the age of your DD, but the opportunity didn't present itself until 17.

She's right when she says she doesn't have to apologise because she didn't do anything wrong. A* thinking.

I did want to add a couple of things - firstly, she is only 12, and although it seems like a 'mature' decision, please remember that she isn't mature nor should she be. She's 12. That's not to say that the decision is wrong, far from it, but she still needs you to hold her hand with this. Please step in and don't let her carry the weight of his behaviour alone.

The second thing was to get her some mental health support if possible. She might seem ok, and she might seem confident in the way she's 'handling' him but having a father like this (who isn't really a father, but a wreck of a human being who happens to have donated you some DNA) is a really difficult thing to deal with over the longer term. I'm middle aged now and although I never felt doubt over my decision to cut ties with my idiot father, I am dealing with a lot of shame and anxiety around being the offspring of someone so awful. How can I be a decent and worthwhile person coming from that. I wish I'd been able to get support much sooner because I think it would have been massively helpful.

Hugs to your daughter. She's a brave girl.

My daughter was 10yrs old when her dad was arrested for domestic voilence. She refused to see him again and never speaks of him. She is like a different vibrant child now at 12yrs. Your daughter’s dad is emotionally abusing her and will affect her mental health, just like with my son. Two years they are slowly recovering with counselling. Please if possible cut all contact for your daughters mental health

I’m estranged from my dad for exactly this. It’s been nearly 20 years now and I’ve never looked back. In fact I’m less anxious for it.
i have times where I waver especially as he now has dementia however I can’t go back

But you chose him to have a child with.......

Just to say, well done OP You're raising a good strong woman there.

Thought of another one. As a child I was mesmerised by Olivia Husseys flawless skin and blue eyes. She played Mary and Juliet.

Have you discussed with your DD that he was likely angry about being on speakerphone because he doesn't want other adults to be able to hear his hideous behaviour.

Sadly for those if us stuck with these men as fathers, there's nothing anyone can do about that, and it's not helpful to point it out. I will admit to feeling a lot of anger and disbelief towards my mother, who actively chose to have children with an abusive man. Yes,, it was a dick move. Yes, she should have thought about what that meant for the children produced, but if she'd been capable of that, she wouldn't have done it. But she did. So we have to deal with what is.

The Freedome Programme once a year sounds like an AMAZING idea. In fact, I think that young girls could all benefit from this regardless of their family background.

We speak very openly about everything and I check in with her to make sure she’s OK. We are extremely close and this helps a lot.

It’s just so so sad that he can’t be a decent human being. He also claims to have ‘found Christ’ however, this has done nothing to improve his vile character. I don’t believe in God so can’t relate there.

I met another violent man after him and left. I’ve not spoken to him for 6 years. I hope that my DD has learned what is acceptable and what isn’t. I’m nowhere near healed, however, I’m much better at leaving and now looking back now. I’ve had lots of therapy and went back recently after an upsetting FWB situation. I’ve changed my number and no longer speak to him. So it helps!

My love and support is sent out to any women here who are in a similar situation. There is nothing quite like the freedom of leaving. It’s empowering beyond measure. It does get easier ♥️

Good for her. Her instincts are right so is doubt but she’s a credit to you.

my own DD is similar and it makes me proud

It’s great that she’s setting boundaries but at 12 I really think she’s far too young to have this burden placed on her and that you need to end all contact with a man who is clearly setting her up to be a victim of abusive men throughout life.

I spent years with an abusive man and the way to deal with them is - as you recognise from your own life- not to police the boundaries, but to leave them and cut contact completely! Women and girls are not police, not mentors, not responsible for helping horrible men to be better- we need to cut abusive men off completely. I do hope you will do so - and congratulations to you on having escaped from abuse yourself. It is very difficult to do so, and one often doubts oneself even as a grown woman (‘should I ‘be kind’?’ ‘should I respond when he says he’ll be better in future?’) which is what makes me think your daughter is too young for this burden, and you as the parent should be the one to draw a firm line- no contact. Best wishes.

This behaviour sounds very like a friend's STBXH, scarily almost word for word. It's all about him being "respected" when the fact is, he does nothing worthy of respect.
Similarly the struggle between wanting to tell him to fuck off with his demands, and to try to maintain a relationship with the children.
I'm extremely sympathetic but don't feel I can offer advice as it feels like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

Oh wow! Your poor child. Her Dad is a toxic individual who will damage her. She’s said what she had to say in her reply text, summed it up very well. Just leave it as that, no more communication on her part.

I’d suggest to her, give him time to calm down, think about his actions and wait for him to apologise. The ball is in his court.

It won’t happen because he’s toxic and she’s best off without him.

Finding religion? Very convenient.

He can’t hide his true self under that coat of respectability, not one single religion can make a person in to a better human by just ascribing to it they have to change themselves and follow the teachings of that religion. Put it in to practice.

OP, its great she has made the decision but a shocking burden for a child.
I would be very verbal with her that I want her to not speak to him until he apologises and that you will not facilitate contact again if there is a repeat and he will have to go to court.
She is so young and vulnerable.

Jesus what an arse

Good on your daughter for not stand for his bullshit.

I imagine she will very quickly make her own choice not to speak to him again.

I've been going to various churches all my life and, not surprisingly, there are plenty of men just like your DD’s dad who go to church regularlyand claim to be Christians. He sounds awful and your DD is doing so well to stand up for herself. She shouldn't have to, though. 🥲