Page 2 | DD hasn’t changed one bit

Heriam · 2025-12-18T23:44:33+00:00

DDs dad has always been a bully. They were estranged for 10 years. He’s been back 6 months and he already feels comfortable snapping at her and being abrasive. The other day, she got in trouble for having him on loudspeaker whilst she did her hair. He lectured her and said don’t do it just ring me tomorrow. She responded with OK fine. 2 minutes later he rang back twice. Then text saying: Don’t you ever speak to me me like that again. I don’t know who you think you are. 3 minutes later he followed up with: And don’t ring me again unless it’s to apologise. She responded with: I feel so nervous to speak to you because you get angry so quickly 😭😭😭😭😭 I just wish we could have nice conversations as I get anxious 😭😭😭 He’s started true to his ultimatum and hasn’t spoken to her since. She is now querying whether she should say sorry just incase he doesn’t speak to her again. My position is, HELL NO. When we were together, he was a violent bully. He did exactly the same thing to me. Teach me how to comply using the silent treatment. Should she say sorry? Or risk estrangement again by holding firm?

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/12/2025 00:40

PollyBell · 19/12/2025 00:37

Well unless someone does something she will probably go on to have the same relationship and continue the cycle, this is the father she is stuck with now for the rest of her life and yes this is harsh

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I didn’t.

Original poster

Heriam · 19/12/2025 00:42

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 18/12/2025 23:58

Oh I don't know, maybe because she lived with an emotional abuser for years who gaslit and bullied her so needs a bit of reassurance and support from other women when she's trying to help her daughter to cope with the same abuser?

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Thank you for this. And for most of the responses.

This is exactly what I’ve told her to stand strong. He is trying to teach her that she must do as he says, all the time, otherwise risk him stonewalling her. My biggest fear is that she will apologise and it will teach her that this type of behaviour is acceptable.

He is a bitter, spiteful man. He is capable of not speaking to her for years because she said ‘OK fine,’ when he told her off for having him on loudspeaker.

The most outrageous thing of all is that he does the best minimum but feels entitled to her ‘respect.’ I find it repulsive. His personality is repulsive.

For context, she is 12

The confusion for me comes from the fact that my father was wonderful. I had him in my home throughout my entire childhood and he has remained a committed father . Having no experience of abandonment from a father myself, I have no idea if some relationship is better than no relationship.

OP posts:

Lavender14 · 19/12/2025 00:45

This is so hard to watch op. I think what I would do is be honest with your dd about why you and your dad broke up - that he treated you badly and did the same things to you which were hurtful and you left because you knew you deserved to be treated better than that. I'd tell her that she is special and important and that she's a wonderful person and that being in her life is a privilege so people in her life should be treating her with respect and that's how she should work who deserves to be there or not. I'd tell her that when someone treats you badly you don't beg forgiveness, you take some time and think about how they've treated you and how they've made you feel. I'd explain that some people in our lives are radiators and they bring warmth and positivity and they make us feel safe and comfortable around them, and some people are vacuums and they drain us, suck away our positivity and make us feel worried or unsafe. And we should always try to surround ourselves with radiators. Then let her make up her mind. Does she go to a youth club or have a youth worker op? Or is she old enough to be at school? If so I'd speak to her youth worker or whoever is head of pastoral care at school and explain what's happening and ask for support around healthy relationships programmes to be delivered to her class and make sure she attends. What she's experiencing is domestic abuse from a parent and actually he's also continuing to abuse you by weaponising her in this way. The more informed your dd is the better able she will be to make safe choices around him and other people in future. Girls who experience this are much more likely unfortunately to go on into abusive relationships in future so its important that you intervene here and get support so it's coming from different sources to help her process it. Lots of womens aid's can offer free youth programmes tailored to age so no reason why a school couldn't have them in if that's available in your area.

The only reason I'm not telling you to tell her to block and delete him (even though he's an abusive bully) is because he also seems the type to accuse you of parental alienation depending on your dds age. Usually young people are deemed able to make their own decisions around contact by about 14 or so. So it's hard to advise that without knowing how old your dd is.

Emma6cat · 19/12/2025 01:02

He is a prize tosser. Your poor daughter. You can only guide her and hope she will see him for what he is one day.

WilfredsPies · 19/12/2025 01:16

Having no experience of abandonment from a father myself, I have no idea if some relationship is better than no relationship

Unfortunately I have considerable experience of abandonment from a father who was violent, abusive and who it took me until my forties not to be frightened of anymore. No relationship at all is better than what he’s offering, I promise you. With the benefit of hindsight I really could have done with some counselling as a child. I grew up making some absolutely horrendous decisions, so I would really recommend that if you can do that for your DD.

Isittimeformynapyet · 19/12/2025 01:18

@Lavender14 while you were typing the OP said her daughter is 12.

HaroldMeaker · 19/12/2025 01:33

She’s 12 years old. What a total shit he is.

silverwrath · 19/12/2025 01:35

Heriam · 19/12/2025 00:42

Thank you for this. And for most of the responses.

This is exactly what I’ve told her to stand strong. He is trying to teach her that she must do as he says, all the time, otherwise risk him stonewalling her. My biggest fear is that she will apologise and it will teach her that this type of behaviour is acceptable.

He is a bitter, spiteful man. He is capable of not speaking to her for years because she said ‘OK fine,’ when he told her off for having him on loudspeaker.

The most outrageous thing of all is that he does the best minimum but feels entitled to her ‘respect.’ I find it repulsive. His personality is repulsive.

For context, she is 12

The confusion for me comes from the fact that my father was wonderful. I had him in my home throughout my entire childhood and he has remained a committed father . Having no experience of abandonment from a father myself, I have no idea if some relationship is better than no relationship.

Edited

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She's too young to have to deal with this. It's abuse. Can you legally do anything to block his access to her? At least until she's an adult and can make a decision whether she wants this monster in her life or not. Hopefully not.

Francestein · 19/12/2025 02:28

Teach her to expect better from ALL men. It starts with Dad. Don’t normalize his behaviour. He’s controlling, immature and belligerent. She needs to know tha she doesn’t have to tolerate it.

TheBlueRobin · 19/12/2025 04:08

She should not say sorry. As only a 12 year old why aren't you involved or advocating more for her?

He sounds awful and why have him in her life at all?

She's going to develop a terrible blueprint for relationships with men if this carries on.

Icantsaythis · 19/12/2025 04:44

Dollybantree · 19/12/2025 00:26

Wow. No of course she shouldn’t have anything to do with this vile, abusive bully ever again. Please get her to do the freedom programme as others have mentioned. She is following the exact same pattern you did with him.

She does not need this vile piece of crap in her life and you need to give her the courage to realise it is in her own best interests to cut him off for good.

My dh would never, ever speak to either of our dd’s like that. I’m raging on your behalf ❤️

This for both of you - do it together

a counsellor that specialises in this type of abuse

she needs an armoury of defence

parental abuse and bullying is so difficult as is estrangement she needs help and support

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 05:29

12 years old!! I thought she was an adult. Ok, this is easy: tell her to not put up with his shit. Regardless if he's her dad she needs to know that she is worthy of respect and he needs to be held far away from her the immature abusive wanker.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 19/12/2025 05:36

She’s better off without him in her life.

Motherofalittledragon · 19/12/2025 06:02

Poor girl, she should NEVER have anything to do with him again. He’s not going to bring anything positive to her life, cut him off and go NC with him and never look back. Horrid horrid man.

Pearlstillsinging · 19/12/2025 06:09

Heriam · 19/12/2025 00:42

Thank you for this. And for most of the responses.

This is exactly what I’ve told her to stand strong. He is trying to teach her that she must do as he says, all the time, otherwise risk him stonewalling her. My biggest fear is that she will apologise and it will teach her that this type of behaviour is acceptable.

He is a bitter, spiteful man. He is capable of not speaking to her for years because she said ‘OK fine,’ when he told her off for having him on loudspeaker.

The most outrageous thing of all is that he does the best minimum but feels entitled to her ‘respect.’ I find it repulsive. His personality is repulsive.

For context, she is 12

The confusion for me comes from the fact that my father was wonderful. I had him in my home throughout my entire childhood and he has remained a committed father . Having no experience of abandonment from a father myself, I have no idea if some relationship is better than no relationship.

Edited

Show quote history

Ask your DF to talk to your DD about the way her father treats her. I'm sure he would be appalled.

Fuckitydoodah · 19/12/2025 06:10

I thought you were going to say she was a young adult. So, he left when she was 2 and has only been back in her life 6 months - they barely know each other. You'd think he'd be over the moon to be back in her life and be trying to be the doting dad.

If he's like this already, it'll only escalate.
A leopard doesn't change it spots.

She's far too young to be dealing with his manipulation and emotional abuse. You need to step in and control the situation. He cannot carry on like this. It'll completely mess her up. She'd be better off without him in her life.

ShredderQueen · 19/12/2025 06:10

Lavender14 · 19/12/2025 00:45

This is so hard to watch op. I think what I would do is be honest with your dd about why you and your dad broke up - that he treated you badly and did the same things to you which were hurtful and you left because you knew you deserved to be treated better than that. I'd tell her that she is special and important and that she's a wonderful person and that being in her life is a privilege so people in her life should be treating her with respect and that's how she should work who deserves to be there or not. I'd tell her that when someone treats you badly you don't beg forgiveness, you take some time and think about how they've treated you and how they've made you feel. I'd explain that some people in our lives are radiators and they bring warmth and positivity and they make us feel safe and comfortable around them, and some people are vacuums and they drain us, suck away our positivity and make us feel worried or unsafe. And we should always try to surround ourselves with radiators. Then let her make up her mind. Does she go to a youth club or have a youth worker op? Or is she old enough to be at school? If so I'd speak to her youth worker or whoever is head of pastoral care at school and explain what's happening and ask for support around healthy relationships programmes to be delivered to her class and make sure she attends. What she's experiencing is domestic abuse from a parent and actually he's also continuing to abuse you by weaponising her in this way. The more informed your dd is the better able she will be to make safe choices around him and other people in future. Girls who experience this are much more likely unfortunately to go on into abusive relationships in future so its important that you intervene here and get support so it's coming from different sources to help her process it. Lots of womens aid's can offer free youth programmes tailored to age so no reason why a school couldn't have them in if that's available in your area.

The only reason I'm not telling you to tell her to block and delete him (even though he's an abusive bully) is because he also seems the type to accuse you of parental alienation depending on your dds age. Usually young people are deemed able to make their own decisions around contact by about 14 or so. So it's hard to advise that without knowing how old your dd is.

This.

And definitely tell the school.

ioveelephants · 19/12/2025 06:14

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 18/12/2025 23:58

Oh I don't know, maybe because she lived with an emotional abuser for years who gaslit and bullied her so needs a bit of reassurance and support from other women when she's trying to help her daughter to cope with the same abuser?

Show quote history

💯 🙌🏼

Blizzardofleaves · 19/12/2025 06:15

You 100% need professional support and guidance, speak to your GP. Your dd is too young to deal with this op. She is at a vulnerable age.

’ DD I am sorry he is not a good father, and it’s unlikely he ever will be. I wish it was different for you, but we can manage this together. I will always be here for you.

You never need to apologise when you haven’t done anything wrong, and no loving parent would ask you to. Would you like to tell me how you feel? I am here to listen really carefully’

Sit with your dd, and really listen to her op. Without judgement ior opinion. Let her talk as much as she can. If her grandfather is in her life please ask him to come over as much as possible, and spend time with dd - a healthy loving male presence would be beneficial.

I would be quietly moving heaven and earth to stop all contact. I would block his access to her. If he wants to take this to court, fine. Gather evidence in the mean time. It’s absolutely sickening what he is doing to her.

I have been abused by a bullying father, I wish my mother had stopped it, she didn’t - and I hold her equally responsible as an adult now for doing nothing to protect me. Please do all you can.

Explaining at length what good relationships with men/ friends should look like. Ensure she isn’t turning into a people pleaser.

Teach her how to protect herself psychologically and physically. Fill her life with love, good people and care. When someone disrespectifuk or hurtful enters her life, show her how to calmly remove them. Raise her standards with her. There is so much you can do, she is only twelve. She had you, and you can see the harm he is going doing, so she is already half way there, in this case no relationship really is best.

jeaux90 · 19/12/2025 06:22

Well done OP for using this shitty opportunity to talk about boundaries. What an asshole he is.

I have been a lone parent for 15 years. When DD16 was a bit younger she would ask about her father (she hasn’t seen him since she was 2) I would just say that some people are just shit parents and they aren’t very good at caring about other people. So she knew this wasn’t about her.

babyproblems · 19/12/2025 06:37

This is abuse and all you are doing by allowing further contact is her being groomed to accept abuse as normal. She will end up with a man who treats her the same.

Cut him off. She needs to know this is NOT OK and not acceptable and she does not have to tolerate it, from anyone, especially her dad. This is not how men and women relationships should work and this dynamic is nothing but toxic and abusive.

Lobleylimlam · 19/12/2025 06:43

Definitely she should NOT say sorry! What has she done to apologise for?

He sounds like how my dad was, just an aggressive bully. Cutting contact is what should be done here.

If she is taught now at such a young age to say sorry when the other person is in the wrong it's going to teach her some really messed up ways of dealing with aggression from others in the future.

She deserves much better and nobody should ever bow down and give in to a 'grown' mans demands of apologising to satisfy his ego that he is perfect. I'd keep well away where possible. I know she might want to have a relationship with him but surely no relationship is better than an aggressive one.

babyproblems · 19/12/2025 06:44

Just seen she is 12. This is the time she is learning about relationships with men and mounding her normal. Does she understand that you have been abused by him? Have you told her about abuse and what it looks like between men and women etc. I think if he stays in her life, she will never ever be free of the abuse. And neither will you… the very fact he’s been allowed back into her life when his behaviors is so utterly unacceptable and shit (domestic abusive = not legal) is telling her that this is acceptable and that it’s ok to tolerate this pattern of behavior ‘from a man you love’ - not ok, not ok, not ok! At 12 I think you need to act fast. I wouldn’t want a daughter going through puberty to have anything to do with a misogynistic abusive pig like this. X

Blizzardofleaves · 19/12/2025 06:46

I would replace her phone with a new number asap. As a priority, if she has a phone. It would be damaged beyond repair, and replaced. He should have no direct contact with her, and everything comes through you as a starting point. If she has email or other communication routes cut them all off.

Don’t even think twice about doing this, you wouldn’t let a predatory, dangerous strange man near her under normal circumstances would you - well he is no different, he is a stranger, and just because he is her biological father that’s fairly meaningless and more dangerous in fact.

Pollyanna87 · 19/12/2025 06:46

Lavender14 · 19/12/2025 00:45

This is so hard to watch op. I think what I would do is be honest with your dd about why you and your dad broke up - that he treated you badly and did the same things to you which were hurtful and you left because you knew you deserved to be treated better than that. I'd tell her that she is special and important and that she's a wonderful person and that being in her life is a privilege so people in her life should be treating her with respect and that's how she should work who deserves to be there or not. I'd tell her that when someone treats you badly you don't beg forgiveness, you take some time and think about how they've treated you and how they've made you feel. I'd explain that some people in our lives are radiators and they bring warmth and positivity and they make us feel safe and comfortable around them, and some people are vacuums and they drain us, suck away our positivity and make us feel worried or unsafe. And we should always try to surround ourselves with radiators. Then let her make up her mind. Does she go to a youth club or have a youth worker op? Or is she old enough to be at school? If so I'd speak to her youth worker or whoever is head of pastoral care at school and explain what's happening and ask for support around healthy relationships programmes to be delivered to her class and make sure she attends. What she's experiencing is domestic abuse from a parent and actually he's also continuing to abuse you by weaponising her in this way. The more informed your dd is the better able she will be to make safe choices around him and other people in future. Girls who experience this are much more likely unfortunately to go on into abusive relationships in future so its important that you intervene here and get support so it's coming from different sources to help her process it. Lots of womens aid's can offer free youth programmes tailored to age so no reason why a school couldn't have them in if that's available in your area.

The only reason I'm not telling you to tell her to block and delete him (even though he's an abusive bully) is because he also seems the type to accuse you of parental alienation depending on your dds age. Usually young people are deemed able to make their own decisions around contact by about 14 or so. So it's hard to advise that without knowing how old your dd is.

I thought that they typically were allowed to make their own decisions re contact from the age of 11? Am I mistaken?