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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD hasn’t changed one bit

131 replies

Heriam · 18/12/2025 23:44

DDs dad has always been a bully. They were estranged for 10 years. He’s been back 6 months and he already feels comfortable snapping at her and being abrasive.

The other day, she got in trouble for having him on loudspeaker whilst she did her hair. He lectured her and said don’t do it just ring me tomorrow. She responded with OK fine.

2 minutes later he rang back twice. Then text saying:

Don’t you ever speak to me me like that again. I don’t know who you think you are.

3 minutes later he followed up with:

And don’t ring me again unless it’s to apologise.

She responded with:

I feel so nervous to speak to you because you get angry so quickly 😭😭😭😭😭 I just wish we could have nice conversations as I get anxious 😭😭😭

He’s started true to his ultimatum and hasn’t spoken to her since.

She is now querying whether she should say sorry just incase he doesn’t speak to her again. My position is, HELL NO.

When we were together, he was a violent bully. He did exactly the same thing to me. Teach me how to comply using the silent treatment.

Should she say sorry? Or risk estrangement again by holding firm?

OP posts:
LeafyMcLeafFace · 19/12/2025 06:48

Im not an expert but I think I’d be inclined to explain what’s happening in an age appropriate way. Perhaps saying bullying not abuse, explaining that she doesn’t have to put up with being made to feel this way by anyone, especially her dad.

Maybe give her some strategies to choose from and ask her what feels ok.

Definitely give her lots of love and safety and positive regard at home.

Lobleylimlam · 19/12/2025 06:50

Pollyanna87 · 19/12/2025 06:46

I thought that they typically were allowed to make their own decisions re contact from the age of 11? Am I mistaken?

Show quote history

Legally age 16 the child can make thier own decision, but courts take into account the childs views from around age 11.

landlordhell · 19/12/2025 06:51

I would not be subjecting my DD to that. It will harm her. Poor thing.

LAMPS1 · 19/12/2025 06:56

Your own instinct is of course, correct.

He doesn't want to be on loudspeaker in case you hear him controlling her as he used to do with you, - and as he must have done with all the women in his life.
His goal will be to put a massive divide between you and her to punish you for seeing through his abuse and getting rid of him. And to bring her into line as a powerless female and dutiful daughter.

The danger she is in right now is enormous. She is at such a sensitive age, still forming her own character and ideas about the world. He could ruin her chances of successful relationships in her future.

You will need to use all your courage and strength to protect her OP…..to somehow pass your own strength of character and wisdom to her !
Reach out to anybody who can help you persuade her away from her innate loving belief in him as her father.
All the very best to you !

Thelittlegreyone · 19/12/2025 07:02

You are expecting a lot of adult capacity from your child.

hattie43 · 19/12/2025 07:05

He sounds unhinged and I would not be recommending she build a relationship with him

Pearlstillsinging · 19/12/2025 07:08

It's not actually DD who should change, is it? It's her father and as he hasn't.
I suggest that you tell her to wait for him to contact her (he will, he won't want to feel that she is steering the relationship), then tell him that in future all his calls will ge on loudspeaker and you will be listening to them, because you are not going to allow him to abuse her the,way he abused you.

Cherrysoup · 19/12/2025 07:09

So they’ve been estranged since she was 2?! Why on earth has he reappeared in her life? I absolutely wouldn’t allow him contact and I’d imagine at her age, with an estrangement of 10 years, no court would force contact. Given how amazing your df sounds, you know this isn’t right.

Cakeandcardio · 19/12/2025 07:13

My dad was like this with me. So twisted and argumentative when I did nothing wrong. It took me 38 years to cut him out but I got there. Your poor daughter (and you!). Have a chat with her and see what she says. But she is certainly justified to never speak to him again. No one ever has the right to bully someone else.
You are very strong OP to get him out of your life. I wish you well.

Timeforanamechangeagain2 · 19/12/2025 07:18

I think you need to sit her down and have a conversation with her about DARVO, his history of emotional abuse and why you broke up with him. There is not mouthing off about your ex to his children but there is also breaking cycles of trauma and abuse and preventing young women from thinking it is ok for men to treat them like that, and this situation is in the latter category.

It’s never ok for men to manipulate you.
It’s never ok to be given the silent treatment.
It’s never ok to feel like you’re walking on eggshells or scared of being around someone.

It is not ok for him to treat her like that.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 19/12/2025 07:20

Tell her to tell him to go fuck himself.

OneNewLeader · 19/12/2025 07:22

My guess is that he brings nothing of value to her life and will begin to train her to accept abuse as part of a 'normal' relationship. Get her away from him and into counselling. Otherwise the cycle will repeat.

BookArt55 · 19/12/2025 07:25

Explain that we can not choose who are blood relatives are, but we can choose who we have in our family and who we have in our lives.
Speak to school about counselling opportunities, it's important she processes this.
You're a great mum trying to support your daughter and do the right thing by her. Now you need to teach her all the things we didn't know about abusive men and relationships. The Freedom Programme is for adults, but could you do it and then teach her? Sorry you're having to go through this.
Sometimes, talking to her about this situation and ask her if this was a friend, what would you advise? Taking away that personal element, she can then give her opinion without as much emotional input and then suggest she follows her gut.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 19/12/2025 07:36

Reading your first post, I was thinking your DD was an older teen but she’s 12. She doesn’t need a pep talk from you about dealing with him, she needs protecting! Block him on her phone and send a message from another one telling him you are ending contact because he is displaying the same abusive behaviour towards your DD that he did you. If he wants contact going forward, he can do so via court.

Then explain to your DD exactly why you are protecting her. No dad is better than a deadbeat abusive one.

beAsensible1 · 19/12/2025 07:36

she needs to hold firm. This is a pivotal moment to teach what is acceptable and how to be treated. She needs to learn to stick up for herself and protect herself from bullies.

she should hold firm and she should trust her instincts. I do think she would benefit from therapy with someone with experience in domestic violence.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/12/2025 07:37

ThatCalmFinch · 19/12/2025 00:11

Or she needs to stop minimising abuse, stop taking the path of least resistance and stand up and protect her daughter.

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The willingness of some posters to brow beat a woman who has clearly been both physically and mentally abused absolutely astounds me. OP posted for advice and support, and if you bothered to read her opening post you’d see by her DD’s response to her dad’s abusive attitude that she is standing up to him and calling him out, so OP is clearly doing something right. OP’s question was whether she should encourage her DD to patch things up or go NC again. If you don’t have any constructive advice and can’t be supportive, then scroll on because this man is never going to change and shifting the blame for his behaviour onto his victims isn’t the answer.

Timeforanamechangeagain2 · 19/12/2025 07:40

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 19/12/2025 07:20

Tell her to tell him to go fuck himself.

Exactly this. “Respect, lol, what have you ever done to earn my respect? You’re just a pathetic man baby who doesn’t know how to deal with a normal teenager and who throws a strop any time he feels threatened because he can’t control his emotion. Grow up, get some therapy, sort out your anger issues and then maybe we can start talking about respect.”

Blizzardofleaves · 19/12/2025 07:43

If your dd is happy for you to take charge then do so in front of her so she can see how it’s done.

The above example would work well executed calmly and without anger, or something similar, and tell dd NOTHING matters more than her feelings, peace of mind and well being, certainly not that disgusting excuse for a man.

Starlight7080 · 19/12/2025 07:48

She is 12. You need to make the decision. And really that should be that she has no contact with him. He is a bully and longterm will only be negative for her mental health and wellbeing.

Its also teaching her that men can treat her like crap and she has to accept it.
Just because he is her dad does not mean he is good for her . That is not how it works. And to be fair he doesnt sound like a dad anyway . He just sounds like a waste of space.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 19/12/2025 07:53

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 19/12/2025 07:36

Reading your first post, I was thinking your DD was an older teen but she’s 12. She doesn’t need a pep talk from you about dealing with him, she needs protecting! Block him on her phone and send a message from another one telling him you are ending contact because he is displaying the same abusive behaviour towards your DD that he did you. If he wants contact going forward, he can do so via court.

Then explain to your DD exactly why you are protecting her. No dad is better than a deadbeat abusive one.

This!

Reallywhatonearth · 19/12/2025 07:56

What a nasty man! He is bullying a 12 year old into obedience. Help her stand up to him as this has the potential to impact her future relationships with men. This is not healthy at all

Original poster
Heriam · 19/12/2025 07:57

Thank you so so so much for the responses. They’ve been very eye opening.

I wanted to give her the opportunity in the first instance to empower herself. I asked her how she was feeling last night. She said ‘I WANT to be the one to set a firm boundary with him. He won’t be hearing from me again until HE apologises as I did nothing wrong.’ I was so proud 😫. She is genuinely committed to this. How EMPOWERING to set such a standard at a young age. She will trust her ability to do this when dating if she can already do so.

If she can set such firm boundaries with her own dad at 12 then she has a much higher chance of successfully steering clear of scummy people when she dates.

She has observed his behaviour over a period of time and we’ve discussed it. Recently, she was at a sleepover. When her auntie told her it was time for bed now, she said ‘daddy I have to sleep now so I want to say goodnight.’ His response was to tell her that nobody dictates when he gets off the phone. He’ll get off the phone when he’s ready. He was actually on loudspeaker and my SIL couldn’t believe it!

I think the fact that these behaviours have been consistent has enabled her to feel secure in her decision to go NC until he changes. She also understands that it’s unlikely that he will sadly.

OP posts:
Motherbear44 · 19/12/2025 08:00

You are getting some sound advice here. Your daughter absolutely does need protection. Therapy does sound like a good plan. I am not sure but wonder if it would also be a good idea to write notes about what happened- dates and a screenshot of his abusive messages. This is just so if he should accuse you of manipulating her you have a clear account.

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 19/12/2025 08:05

Having been in a similar type of situation with my dd, I did the freedom programme with her online, and it opened her eyes to the fact her Dad was abusive. We go through it about once a year now, and find it very helpful.

YodasHairyButt · 19/12/2025 08:12

Your DD is amazing and so are you. If she can recognise her dad’s vile behaviour for what it is and refuse to accept it, that resilience will server her well in life. What an emotionally mature and clever girl she is. Absolutely support her as you are doing to not allow the pattern to repeat and stay free of this bully.