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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD hasn’t changed one bit

131 replies

Heriam · 18/12/2025 23:44

DDs dad has always been a bully. They were estranged for 10 years. He’s been back 6 months and he already feels comfortable snapping at her and being abrasive.

The other day, she got in trouble for having him on loudspeaker whilst she did her hair. He lectured her and said don’t do it just ring me tomorrow. She responded with OK fine.

2 minutes later he rang back twice. Then text saying:

Don’t you ever speak to me me like that again. I don’t know who you think you are.

3 minutes later he followed up with:

And don’t ring me again unless it’s to apologise.

She responded with:

I feel so nervous to speak to you because you get angry so quickly 😭😭😭😭😭 I just wish we could have nice conversations as I get anxious 😭😭😭

He’s started true to his ultimatum and hasn’t spoken to her since.

She is now querying whether she should say sorry just incase he doesn’t speak to her again. My position is, HELL NO.

When we were together, he was a violent bully. He did exactly the same thing to me. Teach me how to comply using the silent treatment.

Should she say sorry? Or risk estrangement again by holding firm?

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 20/12/2025 06:25

Redburnett · 19/12/2025 08:59

But you chose him to have a child with.......

Get lost! You obviously have no understanding or experience of abusive relationships. Your post isn't helpful or supportive in any way.
So because her ex didn't show his true self until it was too late, does this mean that OP and her child should have to suffer because of his choices????? He's a fully grown man who can decide his own actions.... yet you blame the victims?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/12/2025 06:42

Blizzardofleaves · 19/12/2025 06:15

You 100% need professional support and guidance, speak to your GP. Your dd is too young to deal with this op. She is at a vulnerable age.

’ DD I am sorry he is not a good father, and it’s unlikely he ever will be. I wish it was different for you, but we can manage this together. I will always be here for you.

You never need to apologise when you haven’t done anything wrong, and no loving parent would ask you to. Would you like to tell me how you feel? I am here to listen really carefully’

Sit with your dd, and really listen to her op. Without judgement ior opinion. Let her talk as much as she can. If her grandfather is in her life please ask him to come over as much as possible, and spend time with dd - a healthy loving male presence would be beneficial.

I would be quietly moving heaven and earth to stop all contact. I would block his access to her. If he wants to take this to court, fine. Gather evidence in the mean time. It’s absolutely sickening what he is doing to her.

I have been abused by a bullying father, I wish my mother had stopped it, she didn’t - and I hold her equally responsible as an adult now for doing nothing to protect me. Please do all you can.

Explaining at length what good relationships with men/ friends should look like. Ensure she isn’t turning into a people pleaser.

Teach her how to protect herself psychologically and physically. Fill her life with love, good people and care. When someone disrespectifuk or hurtful enters her life, show her how to calmly remove them. Raise her standards with her. There is so much you can do, she is only twelve. She had you, and you can see the harm he is going doing, so she is already half way there, in this case no relationship really is best.

Edited

This...

@Heriam
Assuming your Dad is still around - Would he be able to have supportive convos about what good relationships with men look like... ? That dad's should be nurturing, loving and supportive... Not anxiety inducing and terrorising.
And the sort of abusive behaviour from men, girls should never tolerate?

Your ex sounds so appalling I really don't think it's a good idea for her to be around him...

Wtf with the loudspeaker??

When I'm at home, I'm often on loudspeaker... Not that I'm not listening just that I'm doing sth with my hands, like chopping food!

I'm wondering, he doesn't want her on loudspeaker in case anyone else can hear him abusing her?

You seem very astute to your ex's behaviour... But equally suspect you've been damaged by it... In that you end up not knowing which way is up, what's acceptable...

Please protect your lovely girl at all costs!

Original poster
Heriam · 20/12/2025 07:10

junglejunglebear · 19/12/2025 10:07

I've got to be honest, OP, there are some massive red flags hiding in amongst what you've posted.

You've said that you've brought multiple abusive men into your daughter's life. This will have impacted her development.

You've implied that your 12yo is mature for her age (this isn't the compliment people think it is, it's a sign that a child has been forced to grow up too quickly and it's what early stage people pleasing looks like, which is really about anxiety and feeling responsible for the feelings of the adults around you)

You've said the two of you are 'very close.' Again, this can be an indicator of enmeshment/parentification, particularly given the history of abusive men.

It is not the job of a 12yo to set boundaries with an abusive parent, or protect themselves from that parent. It is your job to step in and tell him he cannot speak to her that way. You need to get in the middle of this and stand up for your child. You've said you did it before. It's time to do it again. This is your responsibility as her mother. She is not old enough to manage this situation herself.

Show quote history

Ahaahahahaahahahahaahahahaha

OP posts:
unsync · 20/12/2025 07:14

I'd be blocking that shit from her and making her know that she's done nothing wrong, his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable, it's OK to have boundaries and he is a first class example of who not to get involved with. Don't let her repeat the cycle of abuse.

Original poster
Heriam · 20/12/2025 07:17

I don’t understand where I said anything to imply that I seek out violent men and then keen them in my children’s lives????? Do you think that violent men show them ass’s on day 1? No they don’t. They present as decent human beings. I literally said that I left both times so what on earth is your problem? I didn’t speak to DDs dad for 10 years!!

Recently though, I have tried to speak to him about his behaviour but he didn’t pick up my call and hasn't opened my message. So the only manner in which I can intervene is by telling my daughter that his behaviour is unacceptable. I can’t force him to speak to me directly!

OP posts:
SpiritedFlame · 20/12/2025 09:02

Heriam · 20/12/2025 07:17

I don’t understand where I said anything to imply that I seek out violent men and then keen them in my children’s lives????? Do you think that violent men show them ass’s on day 1? No they don’t. They present as decent human beings. I literally said that I left both times so what on earth is your problem? I didn’t speak to DDs dad for 10 years!!

Recently though, I have tried to speak to him about his behaviour but he didn’t pick up my call and hasn't opened my message. So the only manner in which I can intervene is by telling my daughter that his behaviour is unacceptable. I can’t force him to speak to me directly!

I understand, it can be so hard and I think it can also be tricky from the outside to realise how impossible some people make any communication.

My child's Father will not respond to me. There have been times I have had to contact his own parent to say his child was in hospital. Now our shared child is older, he can message him but I could then message their Dad and he would totally ignore it.
Coercive control amongst others started once I was pregnant and thankfully I got out at 11 months but it has left its mark.

Have you done the freedom programme or had any support like that? I did have a pattern of picking the "wrong" men. Like you, they would seem lovely at first but I do think sometimes they did prey on vulnerabilities that I didn't realise I was showing. I am not saying it's my fault, they should not be abusive regardless but it did help me to learn about the different things I could do and what to look out for early on.

You are amazing for leaving two abusive relationships. Leaving is so scary and I know it's your daughter who you did it for.

I would be scared still to do this but I think you need to text her Dad or email, keep it grey rocked and plain and let him know when he can't speak to her like that. Maybe block his number on her phone.
She is so young, I think it's too much for her to make this decision because she may feel guilty about him being her Dad though he doesn't deserve it!

If she really does want contact with him, perhaps something like email would help?

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