To go on sick leave from stressful job due to infertility?

[TruthHurts10]

I’ve been at my call centre job for 6 months. It’s my first proper full-time job. Prior to that I’ve been either travelling or in uni and doing part-time jobs. It’s a car insurance company in the customer services department. I have been performing well since starting and am the top agent in my team.

I’ve lived with my partner for 3 years and we’ve been trying for a baby for a year and nothing has happened. We are only in our mid-20s. I am being investigated for endometriosis due to severe ovulation pain that has me convinced I’m dying each month. I’ve recently had a blood test that shows I have an under-active thyroid and high prolactin, both of which are essentially working as a natural contraceptive. I also have low AMH for my age which means my eggs aren’t the quality they should be. I was expecting the endometriosis as it runs in my family but since the news about my blood test results came in a week ago I have been a complete and utter wreck. I am heartbroken and devastated. My hormones are all over the place and I’m literally growing a mustache and hair in places where women shouldn’t have hair and have teenage acne, it makes me feel utterly shit and insecure, that has all happened in the last few months.

I had no annual leave left from work so I’ve been working ever since the blood results and I’m spiralling I think. I’ve been very short with customers today and as a result getting called an arsehole, bitch, being given death threats etc. Today and yesterday I’ve had a panic attack after calls. It is constant, back to back calls between 8-6:30 with only a 30 min lunch break. With Christmas coming up the customers are in financial difficulty and are being extra nasty. I had given up drinking a year ago for TTC but tonight DP is on night shift and I’ve bought a bottle of wine and binged a load of chocolate.

My GP has said that whilst there does appear to be hormonal/physical issues contributing to my infertility, my blood results have shown induction of chronic stress (particularly the high prolactin which was off the charts). I feel so so sick at the thought of going in tomorrow and I just can’t face it. I feel like I’m at the stage where one straw will break the camels back. Infertility was always my worst nightmare in life. I know there’s more to life than babies but I am one of those girls who grew up always dreaming about being a mum, looked forward to it, longed for it etc. I’m utterly broken. My job makes all the admin of infertility impossible, phone appointments from GP’s etc take months because even if I arrange a call during my break I end up stuck on a call and missing it and have to have it again a month later.

I explained all of this to DP and said I want to ask my GP to sign me off sick (with a view to looking for another job in a couple of months time), and he was really not happy and said I need to get a grip and accept we might have a long fertility journey ahead and life goes on. He also had valid concerns about us needing to save money for the baby we want to have. We have savings but we are using them for a house deposit. If I could get SSP I wouldn’t be able to continue to save but it would cover my share of the monthly bills. DP also mentioned my current company’s generous mat leave (6 months full pay) but I think that’s hardly worth thinking about if I never get to use it. DP also said if I really am on the verge of a breakdown then it’s wrong to TTC but I disagree with this as I am rational and sane, I am just stuck in one of the most miserable jobs and just recently received devastating news about my fertility. I wouldn’t be going off sick from this job so I can sit at home all day doing nothing. I’d probably take a few weeks to de-compress and engage in my hobbies (cooking, baking, getting out in the countryside and hiking) and relax, book in some of the appointments I need to etc, and then start looking for another job.

AIBU? Or do I need to get a grip?

Sorry OP I think YABU. There are two issues here a job you hate and your fertility, the two are not related and you are not too unwell to do your job you just don't want to do it. You need to get looking for something else and have stability job wise, going off sick won't help this.

Sorry you're suffering 💐

I suffered difficulties getting pregnant and blood tests found very high prolactin.
I was put on medication, the prolactin went right down and I got pregnant very quickly afterwards.
Wishing you the best of luck

You must be due to finish for Christmas in a couple of days surely? Start looking for something else after the Christmas break. If it's just a couple of days you need off to get your head around the bad news then fair enough but taking any more than that will possibly jeopardize getting something else especially as it sounds like this is your first proper full time job.

Not wanting to do your job and not being able to do your job are two different things. I also don't know your job in detail but if this is your first full time job then you may just not realise that working full time is often exhausting. You are also overreacting on the fertility stuff - lots of people have challenges but there are a number of ways of dealing with them so especially at your age it is very likely you will be able to have kids eventually and you seem to be spiralling with no real reason to do so.

Check your contract/policies and procedures. It will be very generous for a company to provide more than 1 months full pay for a new starter. Then if you were to return and be unwell with flu/stomach bug etc you may end up with no sick pay.

I would look at finding another job that you would enjoy more.

I recently gave up work due to similar issues . I get PIP for adenomyosis, endometriosis and hemiplegic migraine. I couldn’t function at all and was hugely stressed and in pain constantly. It’s only been a few months but I’m starting to feel like I’m recovering from the stress a bit and we are able to concentrate on fertility treatment

I agree with your partner, if you think you’re on the verge of a breakdown you should put a hold on TTC although continue getting tests and treatment.

This is your first proper job and you’ve been there 6 months, not coping at this stage doesn’t bode well to be honest. You’ve been to uni (presumably got a degree?) you’re the top agent after being there 6 months. It’s a car insurance firm (I think I can guess which based on the level of maternity leave), so there are opportunities for career advancement. In lots of different areas of the business. Your DP is right that when you’re going on maternity leave, you will be really grateful having 6 months paid. I would look at moving up before you look at leaving completely.

If you’re genuinely not well, obviously get signed off. But if your mental health isn’t well enough to be working, you need to take a break on active TTC while you undergo treatments. If you’re struggling to get appointments booked, could you take a weekend shift or can you ask to temporarily drop a day a week? This is a firm that has generous maternity leave so they may also has discretionary/sick leave for infertility.

I’m sorry you feel so bad but tbh I think your partner is right. Yes you do need to continue with saving for a house, get yourself in a position to buy before children if you want to be a home owner.
The road to motherhood may be very long a difficult and I’m sorry that’s the case. But your OH is correct.. get everything else in order in the meantime.

Your DP is right, YABU. If you’re on the verge of a breakdown then you should hold off on TTC as that is obviously adding stress as it hasn’t happened yet. You need to be in a good place mentally. He also has a point about money.

The jobs market for new entrants and young people is utterly dire at the moment. If you get signed off long term with a view to finding a new job ‘in a while’ you will find it very hard to get anything else.

Whilst YANBU, you are being very short-sighted if you think getting yourself signed off is going to help at all.

Hi OP, sorry about the job. I also had high prolactin levels and I was eventually diagnosed with PCOS. It also causes unwanted / excessive hair. So please make sure your doctors are considering this too as all through your post I thought you were going to say you had it. I conceived two children - one with medication (letrozole, no ivf) and one naturally so there is hope out there!

If you are planning to get another job, im afraid im team DH. Many jobs need you to be in your position for a certain amount of time to receive enhanced mat pay, so unless you can also survive on SMP if baby comes along, if you change jobs, you might also want to pause TTC until you qualify for the enhanced package. Financially, you will be miles better off if you've bought a house and have an enhanced mat pay when your first child comes along.

Are you taking some time off over christmas? We are all run down and burnt out at this time of year. Maybe see how you feel when you go back in Jan and reassess from there. There are also infertility counsellors - you might find it helpful to talk to one. Does your firm have an employee assistance programme (EAP)? Most big firms do and you can access free counselling sessions through them.

There are some specific infertility threads that you might find helpful to post on. Lots of use have had long and challenging journeys so there is support out there. Good luck and all the best.

This is your first job, and you're wanting to go off sick after 6 months so you can relax and do more hobbies.

I agree with your partner. This is a part of life, you can't opt out of it. Thyroid issues are massively common and easily treated. You're winding yourself up and trying to talk yourself into reasons to go off sick.

You're only mid twenties and in quite a young relationship, you have zero reason to be rushing.

I'm so sorry to hear this 💐The job sounds like one of those that would be great if it weren't for the people you do it with/for. Many such cases, I'm afraid. I agree with PPs that it might be better to look for a different job after the Christmas break where the management are at least understanding, unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about nasty customers.

I've been in a very similar position, it truly is the pits and all I can do is sympathise. In my case it was IVF and my manager is a dope and thought I could just re-arrange a transfer as if I can just switch my cycle off for one day. So I held the invoice (private IVF), the cancellation fee and the emotional impact of chucking away a perfectly good cycle for the sake of one complete lunatic's anxiety, over said lunatic's head. One chat with the managing director and a sheepish apology later, everything went ahead as planned.

Whether my manager will pull the same nonsense again, I don't know, but that's a problem for future me and I don't envy her.

Infertility and corporate generally don't mix as one is about making babies, and the other is about making someone else who already has children rich enough to retire sooner.

There is a solution to this, it just needs to be found.

Can I suggest that you try and get your thyroid sorted out. Once you're medicated you'll have more energy and generally feel a lot better.

Once that happens you'll be in a better position for both work and a baby.

This is exactly what is wrong with society at the moment.
Of course you shouldn’t get signed off sick.
Pull yourself together and stick it out until you can find another role you would prefer. It’s almost Christmas and you’ll have a break. Believe me, this really isn’t the most stressful job in the world (I’ve worked in call centres whilst a student). No one’s life depends on it!! Now that is a different level of stress.
You are still really young and with treatment it sounds like the chances of conceiving would be good. What would you even do if you weren’t working? That might be worse for your mental health!

I think getting signed off sick until you find a new job would be unreasonable and sick leave isn't there to allow you to restart hobbies. That said, if this has caused a decline in your mental health and causing panic attacks meaning you are unable to do your job as a result and need a few day off sick that's reasonable to get back some equilibrium.
I have a life long mental health condition and usually I can forsee these types of crisis I can book in the odd day of annual leave. I try to keep some leave free so I'm able to. There has been the odd time when it's hit me out of the blue and I have needed 0.5-2 days off to get back on track before things escalate and mean a much longer period of sick leave.

I'm sorry but I would agree with your partner though, if your mental health has declined to the point of not being able to work, you might need to pause trying to conceive. I have had to ensure my mental health is in the best place I can before trying to conceive and the hormones still play havoc with my mental health. I have had 4 pregnancies and have 2 children, I had hyperemesis in 3 of the pregnancies, two of which I miscarried combined with other joyous pregnancy symptoms. The stress and anxiety doesn't go away with the positive test and when you have experience of not trusting your body it's a long 9 months.

I would also be cautious about moving jobs whilst TTC. I was made redundant when I was 7 weeks pregnant and I'm now facing 18-24 months out of work as I couldn't find a job in pregnancy, I only qualify for maternity allowance. We are lucky that we can manage of my partners salary but our longer term savings will take a hit.

Did you miss the bit where OP said their AMH is low, ie very few eggs and poor egg quality? Her chances of conceiving let alone carrying to term are much lower than the average woman in her age group. I think that's going to take a toll on her mental health more than some crappy job that can and will replace her one day.

That's a harsh way of looking at it. OP has had upsetting medical news and is struggling with that, which impacts her work, which in turn leads to higher levels of verbal abuse from customers. That is going to be stressful.

It's tricky. Having had to look for a job myself this year, it's a nightmare, there was next to nothing to apply for that met my requirements and I met theirs and I had no response to any application. Job hunting is stressful in its own right. OP dies need to be able sort out required medical appointments and that might be worth discussing with her line manager (maybe don't mention TTC!). If the partner is on board and it's affordable the suggestion above of dropping to four days might not be a terrible idea.

I’m sorry. What a horrible situation and it’s awful when you dislike your job. However, I do agree with your DH.

You are being unreasonable.
Your job certainly is not the most stressful, you aren’t dealing with life and death.
If you dislike it that much look for another one.
As for going on sick leave your gp is right
I totally agree with your partner re it being the wrong time to try and conceive.

I think you need to stick it out and find more coping strategies for the stress. Your job might be stressful, but not having enough money or being able to find another job is also stressful. You’re still young and have plenty of time to try treatments for ttc?

I think if you’re feeling upset, vulnerable and panicky then being in a public facing role (albeit on the phone) actually is difficult. I’m a vet so some things we deal with are life and death, but I see the receptionists also have really high levels of stress, often being the first contact with customers and often being treated with less respect. Call centre staff aren’t robots but people often treat them like they are and forget that they have feelings and are trying to help.

If you do have a decent sick policy, it may be worth taking a week or two off with stress. Infertility can bring about a form of grief and it is a lot for you to process. But I wouldn’t jeopardise your job at this stage, the maternity package could be really helpful and unemployment would be far more stressful.

also I am another one who had thyroid problems, had secondary infertility but got there in the end with the right dose of thyroxine and a few cycles of clomid. Your age is also on your side.

Thank you everyone for talking some sense in to me. I know deep down that leaving/going on sick leave would just be kicking the can down the road. I’m just devastated and a bit at rock bottom.

I’m now wondering if dropping to 4 days a week may help. especially if I could have a day off mid-week like a Wednesday so that I’m never far from a day off to de-compress and book in appointments. I obviously accept that I’d lose a days pay which isn’t an issue as we can afford it. I’m just worried about the impression it gives of me. I might trial it in the new year by booking annual leave every Wednesday for a month or two and see how I feel. I think booking annual leave for 1-2 weeks for a long break isn’t really going to be helpful as it doesn’t really change the core situation and I’d spend it dreading going back

Yes thank you. I know due to my age in the long term with intervention I’ll probably be able to conceive eventually but there is a huge grieving process for infertility. Wanting something so much and my own body is betraying me, knowing family members are waiting for us to have a baby, seeing pregnant coworkers or coworkers bringing their babies in etc. it is devastating.

Sorry you're having a tough time, fertility issues are not fun.
I worked in a crappy call centre job for years so we could get financially stable while TTC, it was crap but needed to be done. It took us years TTC due to fertility issues PCOS & HYPOTHYROIDISM), along with recurrent miscarriage. I kept working and we kept trying, and had fertility tests and were due to start fertility treatment in 2022, but I then got, and stayed, pregnant with our daughter. She's now 3 years old, we also went on to have another daughter (conceived very quickly after our first!), who is now 2 years old.
This is your first proper full time job, they generally suck but you can't bail out when the going gets tough. TTC is also tough for some, and having a baby is very stressful, and so is buying a house. Your partner is right, you do need to toughen up, life is hard at times but you can't just run away and hide when it does. I've had lots if hard things happen to me as a teenager and adult, and I ran and hid. As I've grown up, I realised you can't do that and I've faced my problems and dealt with them better.
Your 6 months in, going on sick isn't going to look good. Stick it out, look elsewhere in the meantime and relax on your downtime. If it really gets to much in a few months then talk with your partner then.
Remember, everyones fertility journey is different. It's a journey, not a race. It will happen when it's meant to 😊