To go on sick leave from stressful job due to infertility?

[TruthHurts10]

I’ve been at my call centre job for 6 months. It’s my first proper full-time job. Prior to that I’ve been either travelling or in uni and doing part-time jobs. It’s a car insurance company in the customer services department. I have been performing well since starting and am the top agent in my team.

I’ve lived with my partner for 3 years and we’ve been trying for a baby for a year and nothing has happened. We are only in our mid-20s. I am being investigated for endometriosis due to severe ovulation pain that has me convinced I’m dying each month. I’ve recently had a blood test that shows I have an under-active thyroid and high prolactin, both of which are essentially working as a natural contraceptive. I also have low AMH for my age which means my eggs aren’t the quality they should be. I was expecting the endometriosis as it runs in my family but since the news about my blood test results came in a week ago I have been a complete and utter wreck. I am heartbroken and devastated. My hormones are all over the place and I’m literally growing a mustache and hair in places where women shouldn’t have hair and have teenage acne, it makes me feel utterly shit and insecure, that has all happened in the last few months.

I had no annual leave left from work so I’ve been working ever since the blood results and I’m spiralling I think. I’ve been very short with customers today and as a result getting called an arsehole, bitch, being given death threats etc. Today and yesterday I’ve had a panic attack after calls. It is constant, back to back calls between 8-6:30 with only a 30 min lunch break. With Christmas coming up the customers are in financial difficulty and are being extra nasty. I had given up drinking a year ago for TTC but tonight DP is on night shift and I’ve bought a bottle of wine and binged a load of chocolate.

My GP has said that whilst there does appear to be hormonal/physical issues contributing to my infertility, my blood results have shown induction of chronic stress (particularly the high prolactin which was off the charts). I feel so so sick at the thought of going in tomorrow and I just can’t face it. I feel like I’m at the stage where one straw will break the camels back. Infertility was always my worst nightmare in life. I know there’s more to life than babies but I am one of those girls who grew up always dreaming about being a mum, looked forward to it, longed for it etc. I’m utterly broken. My job makes all the admin of infertility impossible, phone appointments from GP’s etc take months because even if I arrange a call during my break I end up stuck on a call and missing it and have to have it again a month later.

I explained all of this to DP and said I want to ask my GP to sign me off sick (with a view to looking for another job in a couple of months time), and he was really not happy and said I need to get a grip and accept we might have a long fertility journey ahead and life goes on. He also had valid concerns about us needing to save money for the baby we want to have. We have savings but we are using them for a house deposit. If I could get SSP I wouldn’t be able to continue to save but it would cover my share of the monthly bills. DP also mentioned my current company’s generous mat leave (6 months full pay) but I think that’s hardly worth thinking about if I never get to use it. DP also said if I really am on the verge of a breakdown then it’s wrong to TTC but I disagree with this as I am rational and sane, I am just stuck in one of the most miserable jobs and just recently received devastating news about my fertility. I wouldn’t be going off sick from this job so I can sit at home all day doing nothing. I’d probably take a few weeks to de-compress and engage in my hobbies (cooking, baking, getting out in the countryside and hiking) and relax, book in some of the appointments I need to etc, and then start looking for another job.

AIBU? Or do I need to get a grip?

@TruthHurts10 this isn't meant to be critical, but I think you are in danger of letting yourself down, and compromising your future self's ability to support you and future family in a meaningful career.
You are six months into a job you don't enjoy. If you convince yourself now to take long term sick you will not find another job at all easily. As an employer, I wouldn't even interview you because the message you are giving is both uncommitted, not resilient and even userous. You may have employment rights already, but that doesn't mean you should take half a year's salary without working for it, without even being actually ill. If you then step away when your sick leave entitlement is exhausted and start job hunting it's hard to see how you will convince another employer that you are a good prospect. On the other hand, the best place to look for a new job is from an existing job, because you aren't desperate and can negotiate better and respect your worth. If asked the classic interview question about resilience you have a great ready-made example to draw on.
A pp gave some really good advice about self care, improving how you feel in yourself rather than dropping out of work.
I appreciate you've had some upsetting medical news and this feels like more than you want to handle on top of a job that in itself gets you down. But you are very young and have so much time on your side. Digging in and living up to the responsibilities of adulthood will make you a stronger parent and better role model when Motherhood comes knocking.

Honestly, I wish you the best luck, health and happiness.

Sorry for everything your going through OP it may not be relevant to your hormonal situation but I did a hertility test as I was struggling to conceive, I had high prolactin also, I then figured out I had PCOS (you mentioned some symptoms that could also suggest PCOS) I took cOq10 for egg health, folic acid and good strength myo-inisitol along with other vitamins D etc, it really helped with all my pcos symptoms and I conceived around 4 months later. Apologies if this is unwelcome advice but it may be something to look into? Wishing you the best of luck x

I think the issue is that you hate your job.
The fertility issues are a separate issue but you are using the fertility as an excuse, rather than facing up to the fact that you hate your job and want to leave.
What did you want to do when you chose your degree? I highly doubt it was working in an insurance call centre.
I would take a step back. Fix the career and life goals issue. Slow down. Start at the bottom of something you actually want to do. Take more time to save for a deposit, then start the fertility journey
I switched careers three times in my 20s until I found my way back to what I originally wanted to do. I actually had a great job on paper straight out of uni, one many people would bite an arm off for but I was utterly miserable and hated every second. I did 18 months there Then retrained in law and hated that. Then went back to my original path that I wanted to do when I was at uni. And i am now mid 40s and so glad I did as I am successful, enjoy my work and like getting up every day to do it.
I used to to look at the senior managers in my first job and think, is this what I want to be in 20 years time. The answer was a resounding no.
You can change this. Don't get stuck in a lifetime of a miserable career you hate because you want to rush getting a house and having a baby. You have time to change this path toubare on as you are mid 20s.

In response to MrsBlobby88 and the “do better”. I do understand the deep desire to have a child and I had IVF for my kids and also had a number of friends go through it, sometimes in some quite brutal circumstances where I would have struggled - none gave up their roles. I also recognise that she’s not even close to the stage of knowing she needs IVF - treatment for an under active thyroid is usually a daily pill (I know because I had to take it to help my fertility), low AMH is unlikely to be a meaningful factor at her age unless less it is catastrophically low based on what I was told during my IVF. I can completely empathise that it is hard to not have it happen easily whilst people she knows are finding it easy but this is not the really hard bit (yet - and hopefully for her never) of dealing with fertility issues and catastrophising isn’t going to help her.

Wow - as someone who had IVF for their kids but it happened much more easily can I just say how impressed I am by you (and others) who show this level of commitment and I’m so glad it worked out for you. Your kids are lucky to have such a dedicated mother.

Aww op, infertility sucks. I agree with others that going off sick is not right (and I appreciate you're not going to do that now), but I think your plan to trial 4 days a week is a good one. Bottom line is we only get one shot at this life and if you can afford to do it for the sake of your health and happiness then why not?!

Also, definitely look for another job. If you've done a healthcare degree can you look for something in that area?

I think you need to speak to your line manager as well. I don’t think potentially it’s the job that’s stressful but your fertility and health and the two are getting confused,
and work isn’t allowing you the time and space to come to terms with it.

your DP is right though - leaving a good job with generous benefits is foolish.

and TTC whilst there is an array of hormonal issues in the background that make conceiving and a pregnancy higher risk is foolishness. Particularly when you are acutely stressed.

if you approach your manager about a temporary flexible working arrangement where you suggest every weds as annual leave I think that shows that you are willing to proactively manage your health but you need to be clear about why having a day off each week will help you to do this.

also bear in mind that that’s only going to cover 20’weeks. you state that you already ran out of A/L so this time next year you’ll be back to no A/L

therefore a temp reduction in hours may be more amenable but there is no guarantee you’ll get that back

you also need to mindful that if you completely blame work then they may be reluctant to promote in future as you’ll be seen as someone who cannot cope.

re: your health

have you been referred to gynaecology and endocrinology yet?

you need to push for those.

I would want to see PCOS ruled out, and other issues within the reproductive system itself.

and your prolactin needs investigation. Simply saying you’re stressed doesn’t cut it for me. I think they need to rule out any pituitary issues which is where endocrinology would come in and they can help management of the hypothyroidism too. (yes in an ideal world a GP should be capable of that but from experience - they can be bobbins and sometimes need a helping hand)

And yeah until you get on top of those issues I’d perhaps rethink TTC. It’s clearly contributing to your stress so you need to take a bit of a reality check and get yourself back on an even keel

Do you have access to an employee assistance program?

If you do, it’s worth giving them a call.

I'm not sure what the answer is about taking time off from the job tbh because when I had recurrent miscarriage I did the opposite - just kept going - and I ended up making a couple of terrible career decisions due to the stress and it took me a long, long time to get back on track. I was in my job longer than you are so it's different considerations but I wish I had taken some time out and just gone away walking or something and let myself recover from the stress. But having said that, as you can see from this thread, you don't get a lot of sympathy for the stress of infertility and you could end up with your employer/future employers seeing you as a "snowflake" and it spoiling your future career prospects. Would there be options to find ways to destress on the weekends and evenings? Regarding the job itself, I think you need to try and reflect on whether the job is something you would ever enjoy, if you could get through this stressful time - or is it always going to be a source of stress in itself? Then I would take the advice of the pp who said start looking for a new position in the new year. Or would it be possible to move within the organisation?
Regarding your partner and TTC - both of you need to be on board to be doing that, so if he wants to take a break you need to take a break. From your perspective I would imagine it's not really going to reduce your stress levels much because ultimately the only thing thst is going to reassure you about your fertility is if you have a baby, I mean that's how I felt. But if you were to successfully conceive now, you'd be going straight from the stress of a difficult new job plus the infertility worries to pregnancy and looking after a small baby - and at that point it would be a lot harder to change jobs. One last thought. Your partner seems to be very focused on the practical aspects, the maternity leave and the drop in income if you were to go off sick - that's fine, but I would just say don't necessarily expect that he will prioritise your feelings over practicality at any point in the future, and if you do have kids there will be so many times when you have to decide whether to prioritise your own needs and you might have to be quite assertive to do that.

Can I suggest that you try and get your thyroid sorted out. Once you're medicated you'll have more energy and generally feel a lot better.

This. I have hypothyroidism. When I am not medicated it is like wading through cold porridge day-to-day. Go to your GP to ask for Levothyroxine and go from there.

Sorry for what you’re going through OP. Life is sadly hard or extremely hard for many people. YABU with the sick leave. Can understand why it’s tempting. Part of adulting is putting one foot in front of the other though - even when it feels really tough. Your DP is right on this.
Your new plan reduce to 4 days seems a great workaround though. Hopefully that will give you some respite whilst both working together towards your goals. Look up how to make a flexible working request and as back up disclosure your medical conditions. A 4-day week could if they meet the criteria of disability be a reasonable adjustment to save your A/L. EASS have a helpline for this. Hoping you’ll update this thread one day to tell us you’ve just become a Mum. ❤️🥰

@TruthHurts10 I’m impressed that you have £20,000 saved when you have only been working full time for 6 months and were previously at uni or travelling.

Has someone been subsidising your living costs ie living with parents so no rent?

I used to work in a call centre. You will get called names regardless of how well you speak to customers.

If you quit and find another job now, you will need to check how long you need to work there before you are eligible for any maternity package.

I do also feel for anyone who works in call centres who wants a family as the hours are inflexible and can be difficult to find childcare for.

I would also say, you don’t seem to be coping well with things so I would also take time to reflect on how you deal with situations like this. I can tell you that having a baby is much much much harder than working in a call centre.

take a couple of days off sick to process and recover not weeks. Start applying for jobs in this time. It’ll help you being short on the phone which will lessen the chances of complaints and being fired
get your company mat policy and check it against a comparable one for a new job. How long do you need to work there to get the same benefits which are extremely generous? Weigh it against likely time to conceive - which I know is v hard to judge but it’ll be at least year for benefits.

keep applying for new jobs. You need to hammer this every day
get married before you have children for your and their protection. Although your willingness to live off your do might be part of his frustration about the whole thing?

you must also have some anti abuse policies at work that enable your to respond in a scripted way then hang up or escalate. What are they?

I'd ask admin to move this to the infertility board. Struggling with TTC is a very intense sort of stress, the emotional rollercoaster does a serious number on your mental health. I've known very few people who understand that without experiencing it themselves.

I left my stressful job when we were in the third year of TTC and my mental health was in the toilet. Best decision of my life. Talk to your manager: is there something else you can be doing (at least some of the time) that could ease the pressure?

Good luck, with work and TTC

boring jobs can also cause stress
i agree, find an outlet for your stress

As someone who has an underactive thyroid, you would not be unreasonable to take a few weeks off to both let that medication kick in and balance your stress levels, which will be making the symptoms of that worse

the medication can sometimes take a good 4-6 weeks to be felt and even longer if you have to then alter your meds again to get the right levels for you.

I would put on hold all ideas about pregnancy till that is well controlled. Id then be looking at lifestyle and healthy approaches to that alongside managing stress levels. All that could take a year but you’d be in a much healthier situation to conceive.

you also need to be aware that the medication for hypothyroidism may need adjustment during early pregnancy. For this reason alone you really should make sure all that is well controlled before you consider conception. It doesn’t hurt to take a pre conception multi vitamin either. (But 4 hours after your thyroxine.)

https://www.btf-thyroid.org/pregnancy

Agree with pp that you physically can’t conceive right now as you’re actually physically unwell with a condition that doesn’t support a healthy pregnancy let alone conceive one.

you could be signed off from the job you’re at and return when feeling better.

i don’t think DP understands how unwell we feel when hypo.

I understand why he thinks baking while off is inappropriate but you do need to take some time to convalesce and get healthy before you work.

and I agree it may well be appropriate to be referred to an endocrinologist via the gp; they may not know if you need to for a while yet. They may just try the thyroxine and ask you to rest and recover (gentle exercise) and see what happens - I’m not sure.

id 💯 join the BTF as I linked in my last message and give them a call for more advice. They do have access to endocrinologists and may suggest you write formal letter for them to pass on. Their magazines publish these letters and answers and they may have already covered your situation before

Honestly, it was sheer stubbornness and single mindedness. I should have stopped years before I had my first. Actually, my dad begged me to stop because of the impact on my MH. Without all of the self care, I would have had a breakdown. My daughter was my last embryo, and also, my last try. H and I agreed no more after that. I had my daughter and the trauma of the treatment, and the cycles and the losses stayed with me for years. I had 2 miscarriages during the cycles and lost 2 sets of twins. Bereavement counselling helped but I still have a lot of anxiety and I've recently been talking about CBT with my GP. My MH and our relationship took a bartering but i guess time heals.

TBH, I don't think I'm a great mum. I thought I'd be mother earth. I sort of built up what it was going to he in my head and its not like that. I try my best and I guess that's all you can really do.

I missed this but 💯 agree

I’ve also just been through extreme stress while thyroid was only a little under active and it was absolute hell

it affects your verbal and problem solving thinking skills when you’re very bad.

then stress makes that worse. And then you’re in a bad downward cycle. And having a baby makes everything much much harder

my gp once told me she admitted an elderly person to hospital with what they thought was dementia; turned out it was hypothyroidism. She made a complete recovery with the right medication!

Look for a new job in the new year. This one isn’t working for you.

I feel like you’ve had some quite harsh responses here. I totally understand how difficult this can be mentally, when I was in my early 20’s I wasn’t actively trying to conceive but having lots of issues with my periods and had some testing around that. I was told that I wasn’t ovulating, would need testing to confirm why, and it was likely I’d need fertility treatment to have a baby. I was totally devastated, because I longed for a family more than anything.

I came off contraception and ended up getting pregnant much more quickly than expected which was a relief. At the time I was working in hospitality, taking as much overtime as I could and clocking in 60 hours a week in busy times. We hadn’t bought a house yet and were still renting. I now have two children and am 28.

Offering another perspective here - if I were you I would try and really focus on your job as a distraction mentally and push for progression, be proactive, explain you’re keen to progress, ask to be sent on any courses you can. In my personual experience, as I progressed into management while there is more responsibility there tends to be less customer facing/grunt work and it’s more mentally stimulating. If you are a top performer you are in good stead. Once you have a promotion you can apply for other companies or industries entirely especially if you have management experience. I ended up moving industries and now do something totally different with incredibly family friendly hours. However I wouldn’t have been considered for that role if it weren’t for the management experience I got. I would see where you are as a stepping stone, try to progress and keep looking for other roles in the meantime if you want to.

I would focus hard on saving your deposit - have a look at new builds as well, some offer incentives. We ended up getting a 5% deposit contribution which enabled us to buy much sooner. The other thing to remember is the amount of money you can borrow is going to be based on you and your partner/DH’s salary so you being out of work could make that much more difficult or mean you end up in a house too small to raise a family long term. Also having the benefit of full maternity pay for a period will probably mean you can take longer off rather than having to go back ASAP if you are on SMP or getting no maternity pay at all. I would reframe it as “I’m going to work so we can buy a house for our family/so I’ll be able to decorate baby’s nursery and paint properly/so I can have a longer maternity leave/I can buy all the things I want for baby”.

Staying in work will also make it easier to save for private fertility treatment if you do end up needing it. It sounds like you going off sick at the moment may cause some resentment and stress in your relationship which won’t be good for TTC or long term. Pregnancy and having a baby does put a lot of strain on a relationship so you want to go in to it very strong as a couple.

I would try and focus on self care as much as you can, not just for TTC purposes but so you increase your capacity and feel better about life in general. I think being off work may mean you spend more time worrying and ruminating about your ability to conceive. Again, think about it as getting your physical and mental health in the best shape to potentially conceive. Exercise is great for mental health and being stronger going into pregnancy will make it easier on your body. I would look into eating for PCOS. I had a friend with PCOS who conceived naturally after being told she would likely struggle.

Lastly, I would look into manifesting, law of attraction, positive affirmations. Really think about what you want family life to look like - house for baby, more senior in a job or industry where you have flexibility, earning well etc. Think about it as an inevitability - I will get pregnant. If you could peek into the future and knew for sure that by the end of 2026 you would be pregnant what would be doing to prepare - pushing for promotion/more money, trying to get the house etc. then do that 💖 you will get there. Some therapy may also be helpful if you are struggling (which it’s normal to when you have news like this). Remember it’s not a definite no, you will get there and time is on your side.

Op, with kindess, if you can’t manage the stress of your call centre job how are you going to function with a child and a job. Maybe two children .

honestly give your head a wobble. Start thinking about job security and looking for a new job that fits your needs.

for what it’s worth I had incredibly low AMH and following hormone treatment I went on to conceive three children naturally. Good luck with your journey.

No.

I wouldn’t be going off sick from this job so I can sit at home all day doing nothing. I’d probably take a few weeks to de-compress and engage in my hobbies (cooking, baking, getting out in the countryside and hiking) and relax, book in some of the appointments I need to etc, and then start looking for another job.

That’s not what sick leave is for! That’s what happens when you quit, assuming you can afford to do so

I think you need to stick at your job, at least for now.

if it helps at all I was diagnosed with underactive thyroid when ttc. Since getting the medication right, which is about 14 years now, it’s all been fine. I got pregnant naturally around the same time the medication stabilised it and got pregnant very easily the second time. Endo is very tough going but thyroid issues are very much manageable.