To go on sick leave from stressful job due to infertility?

[TruthHurts10]

I’ve been at my call centre job for 6 months. It’s my first proper full-time job. Prior to that I’ve been either travelling or in uni and doing part-time jobs. It’s a car insurance company in the customer services department. I have been performing well since starting and am the top agent in my team.

I’ve lived with my partner for 3 years and we’ve been trying for a baby for a year and nothing has happened. We are only in our mid-20s. I am being investigated for endometriosis due to severe ovulation pain that has me convinced I’m dying each month. I’ve recently had a blood test that shows I have an under-active thyroid and high prolactin, both of which are essentially working as a natural contraceptive. I also have low AMH for my age which means my eggs aren’t the quality they should be. I was expecting the endometriosis as it runs in my family but since the news about my blood test results came in a week ago I have been a complete and utter wreck. I am heartbroken and devastated. My hormones are all over the place and I’m literally growing a mustache and hair in places where women shouldn’t have hair and have teenage acne, it makes me feel utterly shit and insecure, that has all happened in the last few months.

I had no annual leave left from work so I’ve been working ever since the blood results and I’m spiralling I think. I’ve been very short with customers today and as a result getting called an arsehole, bitch, being given death threats etc. Today and yesterday I’ve had a panic attack after calls. It is constant, back to back calls between 8-6:30 with only a 30 min lunch break. With Christmas coming up the customers are in financial difficulty and are being extra nasty. I had given up drinking a year ago for TTC but tonight DP is on night shift and I’ve bought a bottle of wine and binged a load of chocolate.

My GP has said that whilst there does appear to be hormonal/physical issues contributing to my infertility, my blood results have shown induction of chronic stress (particularly the high prolactin which was off the charts). I feel so so sick at the thought of going in tomorrow and I just can’t face it. I feel like I’m at the stage where one straw will break the camels back. Infertility was always my worst nightmare in life. I know there’s more to life than babies but I am one of those girls who grew up always dreaming about being a mum, looked forward to it, longed for it etc. I’m utterly broken. My job makes all the admin of infertility impossible, phone appointments from GP’s etc take months because even if I arrange a call during my break I end up stuck on a call and missing it and have to have it again a month later.

I explained all of this to DP and said I want to ask my GP to sign me off sick (with a view to looking for another job in a couple of months time), and he was really not happy and said I need to get a grip and accept we might have a long fertility journey ahead and life goes on. He also had valid concerns about us needing to save money for the baby we want to have. We have savings but we are using them for a house deposit. If I could get SSP I wouldn’t be able to continue to save but it would cover my share of the monthly bills. DP also mentioned my current company’s generous mat leave (6 months full pay) but I think that’s hardly worth thinking about if I never get to use it. DP also said if I really am on the verge of a breakdown then it’s wrong to TTC but I disagree with this as I am rational and sane, I am just stuck in one of the most miserable jobs and just recently received devastating news about my fertility. I wouldn’t be going off sick from this job so I can sit at home all day doing nothing. I’d probably take a few weeks to de-compress and engage in my hobbies (cooking, baking, getting out in the countryside and hiking) and relax, book in some of the appointments I need to etc, and then start looking for another job.

AIBU? Or do I need to get a grip?

tbh I’m surprised you’ve still got a customer facing role with that shitty attitude you’ve shown some people. It stinks.

And just to point out as someone with a disability, other Chronic illnesses including a thyroid gland that’s systemically being destroyed and a fertility journey … I managed to work full time, study for a qualification and move house…. And do our ivf work up, so what your going through is nothing new.

You aren’t the first to sail this ship & you won’t be the last and you really need to get over yourself and stop looking for a sympathy vote.

Absolute child

Then it’s not your first job, is it?

I said in my post it was my first full-time job

@Whatsthatsheila I am sorry for what you’ve gone through and I think it’s very admirable you’ve managed all of that.

I however am struggling and grieving the fact that due to my AMH it is now and never for me to have a child and I simply don’t have the option to step back and get a better job before TTC. I studied so long for my undergraduate and masters and due to the job market never got a relevant role. How dare you make me feel guilty for grieving the way I wish my life could’ve gone. I came on here at to post when I rock bottom and wanted advice and support and so many people gave lovely responses, and others decided to be purely nasty. People have literally come on here and told me my partner shouldn’t have a child with me and I’m not cut out for parenthood. Surely as someone who has gone through infertility you know how awful that is to hear?

Of course I’m going to snap back at people wrongly telling me I’ve never worked and telling me I’m lazy and not worthy of having a child ffs. For what it’s worth by the way, I am great at my job because despite what you think I am a fully functioning adult. I just had a bloody wobble, I’m sure you’ve had them throughout your life.

Thank you so much. I hope things have worked out for you and your journey has paid off with a little one. It is definitely a trauma. I think I have this strange fear that if I don’t end up with my baby my life will end up being defined as just “worked in a call centre” without having a deeper meaning and that’s why I feel this pressure to reconnect with hobbies. I think if I had a rewarding job I would maybe feel differently but life just feels so shallow at the moment!

@TruthHurts10 life is so short. Go sick, a week or two will help you relax and sort your head out.

We're all only another number in the workplace. Put your health and well being first and take a break.

Yourself and your partner will have to accept you'll be skipping saving for two weeks but as long as you've a roof over your head and food in your belly whats the big deal.

Seriously though, look for alternative work. Don't stay somewhere you find souls destroying. Once you've made the decision and actively start looking, every day in your current job will be easier because you'll know you're getting out.

As regards fertility you've been dealt a tough blow but at the same time it just takes some couples longer. Hang in there.

I have done everything right. Worked since 15, revised hard for my A-Levels, done a degree in healthcare and then a masters (unfortunately can’t get a relevant job due to NHS hiring freezes in my area). I made sure to travel before settling down so I could have stories to tell my future children! But I did make sure to work during my travel to keep saving. I’m proud of the £20,000 I’ve built up. I met a partner who I genuinely loved and trusted to start a family with, we’ve tried to purchase a house twice but it’s fallen through. I’ve done everything I can to be responsible before starting TTC and now I feel like I’ve been dealt a huge middle finger by my own body and it is upsetting and has affected my mental health quite severely.

I understand that people posting the unpleasant responses are just going off my original post and don’t personally know me so I get why they’ve filled in the gaps but I’m honestly not a bad person. Some of the comments have hit and nerve but I thought it was common knowledge that infertility is a sensitive topic. And I think the way I have snapped at some of the replies shows that I am not 100% well at the moment.

I might have to ask MN to delete the thread. The kind responses, and also the blunt but fair responses really did help and were able to make me calm down and come to a reasonable plan about my job, to drop to 4 days a week and I was feeling hopeful. But then today some awful replies have come through and made me feel like absolute shit again.

Yup, I’ve decided to stay for now due to “better the devil you know” and all that. But I am going to request to drop a day and use the extra day in the week to engage in hobbies that make me happy.

It is a soul-destroying and miserable job and I think that is exasperating the feeling of dissatisfaction with my life that infertility is giving me. I can use the time to do some hikes that I’ve been meaning to do, so some DIY have some long weekends away to visit family in Ireland etc. And even just have quality time with DP because we tend to work different shifts so only get a day off together once in a blue moon.

I'm laughing because this was my go to in my 20s. Whenever i got fit to scream, I'd cut to a 3 day week, regroup and come back to 5. And you know what? Did me absolutely no harm in the long run.

As for better the devil you know, it's not. You know you want to leave, don't let other people guilt/shame you into staying. Look for something else and get out ASAP. If you move and don't like that? Big deal, move again. You are so young you can do whatever you like. Just live. We work to live not live to work.

You'll find somewhere else with good maternity perks. Everything happens the way it's meant to, we just can't always see it at the time.

I really wish you all the best in your journey. Baby will come in it's own sweet time. All of this hardship will only serve to make you a more understanding mama in the long run.

Good luck OP 🤗

And this is quite frustrating because I do say in my very first paragraph that’s it’s my first full time job but that I have done part-time jobs alongside studying. Then I get a response saying I’ve only worked 6 months in my life, which I corrected to 10 years. And then get another response saying “so why are you saying it’s your first job” which I never said. Of course I will become a bit exasperated and short 😮 unless you’re considering part-time to not be a real job? But I assure you, being a 1-1 respite carer for a children with disabilities 3x a week, managing outings, administering medication, changing nappies, being bitten and slapped etc was absolutely a job! Evidenced by the fact I got paid a generous rate due to the responsibilities involved which in turn allowed me to save @ifeelsounwell

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Please do look at whether your employer has an employee assistance program aA a benefit.

You mention good Mat Leave, so they probably do.

Give them a call. It sounds like you’ve got a lot to unravel in your head and process and their services provide a great sounding board for that. And kinder than the internet.

With the amount you can save monthly you must get a reasonable salary, would you be able to get something different with similar pay.

I think people got confused with your history of work as most people who have had part-time jobs whilst at uni or travelling are helping fund uni/travelling not amassing savings

How dare I make you feel guilty?

I assume you missed the constructive advice I gave you earlier on before you started losing your shit with random strangers on a forum.

as I said earlier - I’d suggest withholding TTC until your health issues are looked into further and your coping mechanisms are better because if finding out you will struggle to conceive early on in the journey is having such a detrimental impact on your MH, then IVF pregnancy and motherhood is gonna be a hell of a ride.

and as for harsh criticism try having a GP refusing to refer you for fertility investigations and back to your disability specialist until you start retaking the medication for said disability that is known to cause severe birth defects.

Did I get stressed out and want to quit my job? No I was proactive and found a new GP that would do the right tnings by my health needs.

did I quit my job when face to face threatened by drug addicts or mentally unwell patients… both before and during my pregnancy? No.

infertility and any subsequent treatments and resulting pregnancies are stressful - you need to be more resilient if you are going to work through this.

your mistake is trying to get out of work because it’s stressful. It’s really not. A job is just a job. You need to speak to your manager about resilience training on tough calls and then let it go.

but quitting a perfectly good job with excellent benefits when wanting to start a family is foolish and that’s what people are trying to tell you. You cannot put all the financial burden on your partner.

Yes I do understand you in that respect.

I’m staying and doing a flexible working request to go down to 4 days as they allow this (in order to retain staff). We can afford it and I think it will allow me to cope better. My partner also does a 4 day work week. I was always going to go down to 4 days after having a child anyway so it won’t make a significant impact. We’re lucky to live in an area with low rent and are naturally frugal so we manage.

I’ve also accepted there’s a low chance of conceiving unassisted anyway so am allowing myself to relax this Xmas and enjoy a drink, dessert etc and not obsessing over ovulation tests

Yes, the salary isn’t huge but it’s well above minimum wage and it’s enough for us. The company understand that call centre work has a high turnover and is tough so they offer all sorts of benefits to keep staff. 35 days leave, flexible working, enhanced mat leave, pay rises and development opportunities. So it would be madness to give it up.

I think the comments implying I’ve never worked before is what hit a nerve because it’s comprehensively not true

If you can’t cope with a full time job, you won’t be able to cope having children.

Have you ever had infertility? Did you even read my post? My struggles are directly linked the fact I am experiencing infertility. I managed being at uni 4 days a week doing 9-5 on an intense healthcare discipline and then 3 days of 10-11 hour shifts in care.

You are being deliberately obtuse. It is not clever, it just makes you look a bit stupid. I’m going to pursue treatment to become pregnant whether you like it or not, I don’t need your approval.

@TruthHurts10 - you should research more about AMH tests and what the results can and can't tell you. It is not an egg quality test- your age is the best predictor of that. And it is not even a good predictor of you conceiving or not.

OP - DD2 is early thirties. She has endometriosis and her AMH level was down to 4%. Her OH had a higher number of poor swimmers than normal. She got pregnant first time of trying.