Christmas dinner invite taken back due to grown up sons hissy fit

[Darkcat]

Earlier this year, I was invited to spend Christmas Day with my partner’s family. That invitation was made months ago, and I’d been planning around it.

Recently, however—just a week before Christmas—one adult member of the family has decided they don’t want me present and has pushed for the invitation to be withdrawn. On top of that, they’ve also stated that I’m no longer welcome at my partner’s home where he lives.

This has left me in a difficult position. With such short notice, it’s too late to make alternative plans, especially as my own child has already arranged to spend the holidays elsewhere.

I’m struggling with whether it’s unreasonable to expect my partner to stand up for me and say that I should still be included, particularly given that I haven’t caused any conflict or done anything to justify this reaction. At the moment, it feels like the situation is being allowed to continue without challenge, despite the fact that everyone involved is an adult.

Exactly this @Darkcat does his adult son call the shots? If so, I’d consider getting out - he won’t change.

How is your relationship supposed to work long term if your partner has to exclude you from his home and future family events?

I may be missing the point but it sounds to me like you may need some clarification from the hosts - your partner's parents I think? Son has thrown a hissy fit, fine. But are they eye rolling and hoping you'll still join them or jumping to his tune? Are you still invited or not? Give them a ring and read it from their tone.

Or failing that get a clear answer on whether you are still welcome or not from your partner, if you don't already have one.

How much he "should" fight this for you depends on a lot of factors. Are there other options like he spends some of the day with his side and some with you? Play the long game, think about future years too.

Recently, however—just a week before Christmas—one adult member of the family has decided they don’t want me present and has pushed for the invitation to be withdrawn. On top of that, they’ve also stated that I’m no longer welcome at my partner’s home where he lives.

@Darkcat

So I'm assuming that the 'one adult member' is your DP's son.

When you say 'with DP's family' who do you mean and who is hosting? Is this a party that DP is hosting in his own house or is his son pressuring another family member to disinvite you from a party they're hosting? Because that might affect my answer/advice.

And by 'no longer welcome at DP's home where he lives' are you saying that his son has 'decreed' you cannot visit and your DP is going along with it? I wouldn't be happy with that. If it was a young child I might be more understanding, but his son is 23. If he doesn't like the people his father invites into his home, he can find somewhere else to live.

@Darkcat

Whatever the reason is for your DP's adult son not wanting you there, I wouldn't be able to move on from my partner not being in my corner here. If he goes to the dinner and you're left out in the cold, I'd be ending it to be honest.

I would expect any decent partner to respond by declining the invitation in solidarity with me and having a private Christmas with me.

I wouldn’t start WW3 here. For Christmas I’d tell DP to go for morning/ lunch with his son and then come to you in the afternoon. I’d spend the morning with a glass of champagne, some fancy nibbles and a book or go for a walk. Surely much nicer than spending the day with a hostile 28 yr old or feeling guilty that your DP can’t see his son.

Longer term it doesn’t sound feasible for you not to be at your DP’s house at all, so I think your DP needs to address it but probably not before Christmas is over and done with.

I had been wondering along these lines. The word partner is very elastic - from using it instead of girlfriend/ boyfriend in relatively new relationships where the two lives are still quite separate apart from dating/sex right through to committed, long term but not legally married relationships. It’s clearly not the latter in this case but not clear how new or progressed this one is. It’s quite a big deal to invite a partner to a multigenerational Xmas meal - has the OP met the hosting grandparents before ?

Have the parents disinvited you at their grandson's request? Or your partner has asked you not to come in order to keep the peace? And how does the son banning you from the PARTNER's - not the parents' - house fit in? Does he still live with his dad?

With the info given - in your partner's place, I would remind my son about manners and how we can't ask his grandparents to withdraw aninvitation without a very good reason. I might say that I'm spending Christmas with my girlfriend (you) as planned, and son is welcome to be present as well but if he decides not to I'll wish him a Happy Christmas and celebrate with him another time. Whether I do that by leaving it up to my son to skip going to his grandparents' on Christmas because you'll be there or by doing my best to politely tell my parents that you and I will not be present for Christmas due to upset to my son depends on a lot of factors.

In your place, I might or might not continue with the original Christmas plans with partner and let the chips fall where they may regarding the son, or I might politely excuse myself and make other plans. It really depends on the situation - especially if the son has some kind of known cognitive or mental health issues. But if the partner simply disinvited me without discussion or didn't at least offer to spend Christmas with me if his parents disinvited me, I can't imagine many scenarios in which he'd still be my partner - not because Christmas is super important to me and I can't spend it alone, but because if his commitment to me and our relationship can't withstand an adult child's tantrum, the relationship is unlikely to flourish. And regardless of what happens, it's a bad sign that you even KNOW about all of this while it's still in play, rather than your partner handling it without involving you.

In your shoes OP, I wouldn't be going anywhere I wasn't wanted, so I would suggest to your DP that he comes to you, and tells his family to go to hell. If he's not prepared to do that, then I would end this relationship quick smart, as he's either a complete wuss, or doesn't care enough about you to make staying with him worthwhile.

I imagine the Son feels uncomfortable and is also jealous of his dad’s relationship with you. However, he is a grown man, and the invitation has been made, so he should just suck it up and get on with it. Your partner should be telling him that he wont be leaving you by yourself on Christmas Day if he really cares about you.

A 28yo man living in a house with his (presumably) 50-something yo dad, both going up to (presumably) late-70-something yo grandparents for Christmas lunch. What a catch, either of them. That’s without bickering over whether the girlfriend can come too.

<shudder>

Why are you saying adult family memeber when you've already said it's their son?

Describing your boyfriend's son's objection to you joining their family Christmas as a 'hissy fit ' suggests you don't have much respect for him or his feelings. Can you really be that surprised he's picked up on this and doesn't want you around?

You don't mention whether the mum's still around or what the respective age gaps are. You haven't denied being the OW. You don't mention whether DP even bothered asking the rest of his family before inviting you. Clearly there was never going to be any attempt to include your daughter, which would be a red flag to most parents, but you don't want her around anyway so, yeah. Your nine year old sounds like the most mature person in this whole situation. No wonder she's removing herself.

Is your "Boyfriend" using his DS to dump you. It's another spin on this situation. I don't quiet believe his story and I think you should challenge him and ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you.

Well, if your partner's son dislikes you that much, that will be a frequent source of trouble in the relationship, unless you plan never to spend Christmas and similar special occasions together. I wouldn't be impressed by a partner who would allow me to be disinvited for no apparent reason, but I'd also understand that it's awkward for him, as he won't want to alienate his child (even a potentially unreasonable adult child).

Still, if this is how it is, he needs to decide if he has room in his life for you. There are ways for him to see everyone over the Christmas period, but he'll have to make some adjustments and set some boundaries with his son. Does he think you're worth the effort/sacrifice? If not, I'd cut him loose now and avoid more heartache down the road.

If the person who is hosting you and who invited you, has withdrawn the invitation, then no matter the reason, you are obliged to accept the withdrawal of the invitation and make other plans for yourself. It isn’t too late to do that.

Your partner can not simply invite you to somebody else’s home to be hosted by them as that would be very entitled, impolite and socially incorrect ……and if this was the case, you should have questioned who the invitation was actually coming from…your partner or his parents who are hosting.

If the parents invited you and your partner wants to take you along then the hissy fitting son is out of order to try to scupper his father’s wishes and his grandparent’s wishes. Somebody (not you) should take him to task over that as well as reassure you that you are very welcome and wanted there.
If that reassurance hasn’t come by now, I would kindly make it clear you are withdrawing your acceptance of the invitation as you wouldn’t want to spoil things for your partner’s parents, the persons who kindly invited you.

It seems to me that you can’t trust your partner to do things correctly. This causes confusion and awkward situations for you. I would reconsider your options OP.

I took it to mean we’re getting a little bit of the story at a time, instead of just giving all the facts at the beginning…it’s like pulling teeth!

Does his son live with him? If it’s your partner’s house he’s in charge of who’s invited, surely? What’s he had to say about the situation?

Your partner should speak to the host to check the situation. They’re the ones that have invited you.

Also, partner should stand up for you regarding visiting his home. I presume son doesn’t live there.

How long have you been together?

agree. Your partner is weak if he's allowing his adult son to lay down the law.

A little bit more information would be helpful OP

If this man won't stand up for you and isn't going to do anything to stop you being cut loose from Christmas plans at a week's notice then YABU to call him "partner" - you clearly are not that important to him. Sorry that you had to find out this way but have some self respect and remove such a man from your life.

I'm sure if you let a few people close to you know what has happened, it's quite likely that one of them will have a "the more the merrier" attitude and will be happy to invite you, having been worrying a little thatthey've massively over-catered. If that doesn't happen there will be community and volunteering opportunities for thise who are alone at Christmas where you can join in and lend a hand. It's not ideal but it's just one day in one year, and you'll be better set next year.

If you aren’t invited to Christmas this means your relationship is over. Yes, your boyfriend should stick up for you. No - he’s not your partner as that implies you live together. The relationship is over.