Husband refusing family Xmas day!

[Holidaywoes12]

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

Absolutely. Men get a raw deal on Mumsnet.

OP if he wants a quiet Christmas invite your brother and Dad over on Boxing Day.

I host my in-laws and husbands two single older relatives because I want to. But equally if I found it too much he would 100% agree that every other year is a totally reasonable arrangement too.

Listen to your DH. You can’t bail on your Dad and brother this year as it is way too short notice but mention next year your DH would like Christmas days to be alternating years.

What a Grinch he is!!!!

No. You are conveniently missing key facts. This year he has fallen out with his family. What’s the excuse for every other year she hasn’t listened to his opinion and barged ahead with her own desires.

@Holidaywoes12 this bothers your husband so much he starts worrying about it in October. This should be telling you trust you are being utterly unreasonable. You’re not listening, not compromising and not respecting him as your equal at all.

I would be very annoyed with you

you can give him that and meet x people else where etc

So you don’t know what nuclear family is?
you, him and any kids you have are the nuclear family. The rest is extended family- your and his parents etc.
i wouldn’t be happy to never have had a Xmas just us.

I'd meet them out somewhere and tell him not to come. If he doesnt like it, fair enough, but why control you ?

Well it's fine to not want visitors but that's not what you want.
I guess it's a choice of do what he wants to do, or do what you want to do.
It seems he has always done what you want to do by having visitors and this year he wants to do what he wants to do.
I personally would hate not to able to have visotors. My Dh would happily spend christmas alone.
Is there a compromise? Split the day? Have two christmas days? Go and visit them or send DH out for part of the day?
I guess the answer might be in trying to imagine yourself being the person that really didn't want visitors but your partner did. What would you do or request of them?

I think it is cruel to leave the elderly father alone at Christmas.
Bottom line is you are incompatible. However, if you want to you and the kids can get together at your dad’s on Boxing day and your DH can be in charge of Christmas for your nuclear family on Christmas day. I bet he will not be happy with this and would expect you to do everything for that as well

your husband sounds unpleasant but I don’t see why everyone has to come to your house if your husband doesn’t want visitors. Is there nowhere else you can meet your dad for the day? Could you go to your dad’s or to your brothers. Could your brother look after your dad this year? What happened to your dad on the years you went to your in-laws? Your husband sounds grumpy sulky and selfish. It sounds as though he and your dad don’t get on though so maybe agreeing with your brother to see dad for Xmas alternate years so your husband doesn’t have to have Christmas with someone he dislikes every year would help. It’s hard when spouses dislike each other’s relatives. All the society enforced family togetherness of Christmas can be too much

Can you do Christmas Day at your Dads? Leave your husband at home alone.

I hope Santa brings you a lovely divorce 💖

This is an abusive, selfish, bad man who doesn't love you, but does love what you do for him.

OP, most women don't live like this

It’s anti-Christmas that’s why. Fine on his birthday or Father’s Day to call the shots. But to try impose his misery and anti social behaviour on his family during a celebration that has roots in welcoming the vulnerable and giving to others, well that is controlling.

If he wants to do Christmas without OP’s tiny family, he should go spend it alone rather than force OP to spend Christmas wishing she was with people she loves and could easily have included in her celebrations.

If DH wants a quiet Christmas he can go somewhere else can’t he?

OP please stop defending yourself against some of the views on here. I have come to the conclusion everything has to be black or white on Mumsnet when it is only ever shades of grey.
I can see your husband's point of view (as someone who doesn't like their in-laws).
However I can see yours more.
Of course you want, and in my view, should have your Dad at Christmas, he won't be around forever. It is nice you have your brother as well.

It would be nice to think your husband could be supportive of the situation. Especially as you pay for it and do all of the work.

My DH never liked having my family at Christmas but my Dad was on his own and I would never not have him. My partner used to make his feelings known but I stood my ground and was glad I did.

I am sorry you are in this situation, no advice really, just support and understanding x

Tell them your husband is a cunt and eat out with your family for Xmas. Then get a divorce.

Why can’t he book himself into a hotel for two nights?

People are suggesting the compromise of having Christmas day just the two of them (OP hasn't mentioned DC) and having the family round on Boxing Day.

Do you really think the DH will be content with that given his 'old fucker' comment?

OP is this actually about Xmas day, or is it that your DH doesn't want you to have your family round ever, full stop?

OP's DH has always made a fuss about her family coming to their house, even before he cut off his own family and when OP would host his family (and do all the work) and go to his family's house for Christmas without complaint.

He sounds a difficult man with double standards who is using his estrangement from his own family as an excuse to ban OP's family (2 people including her widowed dad) from spending Christmas Day with them.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were other problems in their marriage.

OP how are the family dynamics for other time of year celebrations like say birthdays? Is it just a Christmas issue?

Perfect answer

When he referred to your dad as 'that old fucker over there', was your dad actually present to hear what he said? Your DH sounds deeply rude and unpleasant, unless your dad has a history of being awful to your husband.

Could you do Christmas Day at your dad's with your brother and your children and leave your DH to stew in his 'bah humbug' juice?

What is your relationship with your DH like outside his issues about Christmas? I can't imagine that he is a kind and generous husband and father 364 days a year and just turns into the Grinch on Christmas Day. I would guess that this is just the tip of a very big iceberg in terms of your marriage.

I can see your DH’s point in that he says he wants immediate family only and you invite your family anyway. Ask your brother if he can host your dad. If he can’t then tell your DH you’re going to your father’s for part of the day and make him a christmas dinner. I wouldn’t be telling my widowed father he was going to be alone for Christmas a week before. You should have sorted this out months ago. Instead you have invited family against DH’s wishes and now he is putting his foot down.

This is why I hate Christmas! This year just me and 17yr old DD. Next year I am relocating and will host every year and whoever wants to come in the family can come, but I won’t be going to them! I’ve had few Christmases where I haven’t had to drive hundreds of miles with boot full, out of obligation.

True.
But the issue is that generally women do the majority of the work over Christmas. Preparation (gift buying, wrapping, sending cards, organising food, preparing the food etc etc) as well as trying to please everyone and catering to their needs, so having the in-laws over isn't just "hmmph. Extra people in the house. How annoying"
But yes, OP could go to her dad's or even all go to the brother's (also why is he only ever visiting at Christmas?!)

Agreed, after reading the first responses I thought they would be so different if op had complained about spending Christmas with the in laws. Though it may also be because everything falls on the woman usually.
I wouldn’t want my dad alone (or mum if my situation were reversed), it seems particularly mean spirited for the season. It is also, as others have pointed out very late to be changing plans because he has had a falling out with his family.