Husband refusing family Xmas day!

[Holidaywoes12]

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

Either way you sound pretty incompatible to be honest.

That sounds like the most happiness for most people doesn’t it? (Assuming there are no kids to factor in, I don’t think the op has mentioned any).

would your DH actually enjoy a ‘quiet Christmas’ more than any other day of the year?

You pay for it, you do all the work for it. I think you're more than entitled to invite your family if that's what you want to do. I mean, it's not like your joyless, sulky husband who won't even talk to his own mother is going to be an attractive alternative companion is he? There's no way I'd miss out on seeing my father and brother just to have him sat there breathing in and out next to me on the sofa and maybe doing me the honour of not giving me the silent treatment if he feels like it.

I’d be leaving him at home and going to stay with your dad.

Weve spoken about it since October, ive had on and off moods about it since then

your post didn't show how nasty he sounded. I'm a bit torn because while he sounds insufferable, he also sounds incredibly frustrated at never getting the Christmas he clearly wants and has asked for.

it's too late now to change this years and only you know if he is a horror. But maybe a compromise could be had for next year by saying it will just be you two and the kids.

I'd love to read the completely different responses this thread would get if it was the other way around

"Every year I beg my husband just this once to have a quiet Christmas just the two of us, and every year he overrules me and invites his whole family over without discussion or compromise (he said his mother coming to us every year is a no brainer). I've recently gone no contact with my own family due to a difficult relationship and in October I have asked once again if we can please have a quiet Christmas because it's difficult for me this year, but he's once again overruled me and told me his brother and mother will certainly be coming. I don't feel like I have any say or agency over who is coming into my home."

I wonder if she'd be being called a controlling dickhead by a majority of posters....

if it's a yearly request it's unreasonable for you not to meet him half way and have a smaller Xmas occasionally. He's non contact with his family and obviously not comfortable with yours, I'm not sure what his underlying issue is but it's big enough for him to argue and plead for months and then must be quite a punch in the guts for you to ignore him every year.

You should certainly do that and let him spend Christmas alone while you visit family.

I put you are being unreasonable because you put up with his shit. Sorry.

Where are posters getting the narrative that the husband 'never get the quiet Christmas he craves' because of the OP insisting he spends it with her family, when the OP is clear that she has happily hosted his family etc when it suited him. It's only since he's fallen out with them that this secret desire for a quiet Christmas has been used to justify what appears to be pretty generalised ill-treatment of the OP (silent treatment/unpleasantness about the OP's fsmily/ruining other celebrations etc.)

Just because he can't see his mother and sister at Christmas he doesn't want you to see your family but you you love having them, tell him to take a break on his own or go and enjoy your Christmas at your dad's, cook there, stay for a week or more, let him enjoy his solitary Christmas, He's the fun police Why does he think your joy is determined by him. He actually wants you to feel guilty for being with your family. I'd do what makes me happy. If you have an echo dot at home I'd get it to play silent night on repeat at different times of the day on full volume

What exactly does this man ass to your life @Holidaywoes12 ?

He called your widowed dad an old f@cker, has made an issue of you seeing your family ever Christmas, makes general special occasions all about his moods and has fallen out with his one family. I bet they are skipping about not having to tolerate him this year.

He sounds controlling, miserable and nasty. I don’t blame you for wanting other people around you.

His say is that he can get to make the choice not to see his own family but he doesn’t get to choose that you don’t get to see your own family
Is it possible for you to visit your dad at his house

I’m sorry? He said what? He refers to your father as ‘that old fucker’?

For the gobshites saying he just wants a quiet Christmas and she's being unfair,always has her family,it's her father the odd occasion her brother,sorry what the hell do you think her father is doing,throwing will parties,inviting ladies over,getting drunk ??? Give over now and have a word with yourselves.. yous obviously are not close to your own family to be talking like this..damn right she should have her Dad over and her brother aswell when he wants to come.. her father won't be around forever..this man is a misery and if he dosent like it let him go to his own family..oh no he can't because they don't want him..tough go sulk in his bedroom then but OP you have Christmas with your family and tell your husband to get counselling for himself,hope you get it all sorted and happy Christmas xx

Probably where OP says “My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument.”

She then goes on to say confirm that they’ve never had a Christmas without other relatives.

So it’s a reasonable assumption that she’s had it her way every single Christmas

Book somewhere- hotel or cottage , where you , your father and brother can celebrate . Leave him home to have his quiet Christmas .

Some of us have fucked up families. My Christmases were always my parents and siblings that was it. My mum cut her family off for fun every couple of years and then I'd get to see them briefly for a few days/weeks and gone again. So, having a Christmas with more relatives than just my kids would be really stressful and difficult. Not used to it at all.

How would he feel if you did Christmas with your family and kids and he was at home alone? When he says no family, how literal is that? No one at all? Or no extended family from either side?

Does your dad live in a seniors home, if so, do they not have a Christmas meal that family can join in for a price? Both of my in-laws homes did that, for residents. You (and your brother)could spend the morning with your husband then have a meal at your dads and stay the afternoon with him, then spend rest of the time with your husband.

How many kids do you have Op? Does your brother have kids or a partner? Just wondering how many people in total will be at yours xx

This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, ... He says he ... is upset about not seeing his mother and sister.

So he's gone no contact with his mum and sister, but now he's upset about not seeing them. Err, yes?? that's what it means when you go no contact??
What an idiot.

He has told me seeing that he wont be seeing [his family] for christmas I wont be having family over
And he gives you orders as if you're a servant, or more like a slave, as a servant would give in her notice!

OP, he is a nightmare. Is there any reason to stay with him? Because if you're staying 'for the sake of the children', please don't. Living with an aggressive controlling father is no more good for them than it is for you.

DH comes from a dysfunctional family, where they go NC / gang up on each other etc… MIL is the architect of it all. It’s mad…

He tried to poison my family, my sister & parents now have no time for him. He doesn’t get invited to anything. I go by myself.

It’s difficult at Christmas, I’d love to have my parents around in Christmas Day or have DN over for a play date. But he’ll act up!

Don't be so ridiculous. He's trying to be a controlling dick

I think the reasonable assumption would be that she has hosted his family when he has invited them but he has always complained about hosting her family, either separately or alongside his family. 🤷