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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
FairKoala · 18/12/2025 06:53

Don’t you get bored of the same routine. You plan Christmas visits so everyone is included (his family as well as yours). You put it all together, you pay for it all then dh shits on it and makes it all about him for months in advance.

I would give dh the quiet Christmas he so craves and leave him to his own devices and transfer Christmas Day to your df’s place and brother can come there. Dh is not invited.

Itwasachristmasjoke · 18/12/2025 06:56

Christmas is just one day, why is he being such an arse? Speaks volumes that you only see your brother very occasionally and your dad is alone, and he's still trying to stop them coming. He can have a quiet boxing day or a quiet day any other day of the year!

NotAnotherScarf · 18/12/2025 07:23

I love the fact that the husband is a bastard according to many for not wanting to host for another year... like every year. But the brother who does nothing never sees his family unless there's free food and booze gets a pass.

Can I repeat that whilst the old fucker line is dreadful, the father need not be on his own... brother could actually do something

Daleksatemyshed · 18/12/2025 08:05

So it's not a quiet Christmas day he wants then Op, he objects to Boxing day and NY as well, he just doesn't want them to visit full stop. I bet he spoils all the events when you'll see your family.

Redpeach · 18/12/2025 08:22

Wasn't scrooge also nc with his family, (and other similarities)

Luckyingame · 18/12/2025 09:29

He might have a real problem, actually.
Everyone is and feels different, only he gets angry because he sees no other choice.

So in this case, I'm laying off the "fuck off and selfish pig", because I know exactly how he feels.
Fortunately, I'm old and self sufficient enough now to decide if I don't want people around me.
Christmas makes no exception.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/12/2025 09:35

.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/12/2025 09:36

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 22:57

No. He did not declare that he wanted a quiet christmas this year in october and then I ignored him and invited family anyway. He declared that “that old f#%*#r over there isnt coming this year forget it” as he does ever year and I asked him if he would rather see him alone and its gone from there this year again really..

Again....

why dont you bundle the kids in the car and go to your Dads and have your DB join you there...???
buy a load of nice food crank the heating up and have a nice time

leave him to his own devices and let him rattle around in the house alone....Since that's what he wants apparently....

TreeDudette · 18/12/2025 09:37

I can see your DHs point of view. Having people round (even family) means hosting, raising your game and having to make that ibt mor effort. Every year your H asks for a quiet Xmas just the two of you and you ignore him and invite your family. Your brother could have your dad over on Xmas Day so he is not alone and they could both join you over the New Year or for 27th / 28th Dec?

Starlight1984 · 18/12/2025 09:58

bignewprinz · 17/12/2025 21:17

I love mumsnet, but I am consistently staggered and upset by how many awful husbands and partners are out there. This is another one. Tell him to FUCK OFF.

Mental isn't it? Without wanting to sound like a dick, I genuinely never knew people lived like this before I joined MN.

I mean, I was obviously aware of DV and controlling relationships but the extent of absolutely shit relationships out there and people believing that this is "normal" is really worrying.

Izzyharrison · 18/12/2025 10:05

Starlight1984 · 18/12/2025 09:58

Mental isn't it? Without wanting to sound like a dick, I genuinely never knew people lived like this before I joined MN.

I mean, I was obviously aware of DV and controlling relationships but the extent of absolutely shit relationships out there and people believing that this is "normal" is really worrying.

Maybe he wants a bit of peace.

UninitendedShark · 18/12/2025 10:06

I’m going to guess he does nothing for any hosting anyway. Happy to be proved wrong, It’s always a worry when partners try to isolate their OH from friends/ family or things then enjoy. Very suspicious. Is he always like this?

There’s no reason he can’t sit in the bedroom (or the pub) being miserable if he doesn’t want to socialise.

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 10:10

UninitendedShark · 18/12/2025 10:06

I’m going to guess he does nothing for any hosting anyway. Happy to be proved wrong, It’s always a worry when partners try to isolate their OH from friends/ family or things then enjoy. Very suspicious. Is he always like this?

There’s no reason he can’t sit in the bedroom (or the pub) being miserable if he doesn’t want to socialise.

He doesnt, i pay for christmas (apart from the turkey) as i do everything else all year long. He doesnt like my brother because he is gay and doesnt want him here. He has no reason to dislike my father but they generslly get along but still calls him “the old f%#^*”
He’s left this morning in a huph without speaking to me apart from yellong that I used his card to pay for DS’s school trip in the bee year because I didnt tell him.

OP posts:
Izzyharrison · 18/12/2025 10:11

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 10:10

He doesnt, i pay for christmas (apart from the turkey) as i do everything else all year long. He doesnt like my brother because he is gay and doesnt want him here. He has no reason to dislike my father but they generslly get along but still calls him “the old f%#^*”
He’s left this morning in a huph without speaking to me apart from yellong that I used his card to pay for DS’s school trip in the bee year because I didnt tell him.

I take back all my support of him, he's a twat.

harriethoyle · 18/12/2025 10:14

The drip feeding on this thread from OP is absolutely extraordinary. Overnight, we've had changes in her story, verbal abuse from DH to FIL and now homophobia from DH to BIL.

I'm out.

UninitendedShark · 18/12/2025 10:15

He’s just awful isn’t he? You need to have a long hard think about if you want this to be the rest of your life. Start looking into putting yourself in a good position to get rid of him. Life is too short for mardy, homophobic fun sponges like this guy.

Mama2many73 · 18/12/2025 10:15

If this was a reality of 'I really cant cope with having people over', I might have listened, but its not is it!! This is 'I'm not seeing my DM and sis so you can't see yours either', this is a petty temper tantrum!

Tumbler2121 · 18/12/2025 10:16

Does it occur to you that your husband just likes a row and a bad atmosphere? It starts in October and goes on to New Year, result.

I haven't seen any redeeming qualities of his mentioned here, but as discussing with him gets him what he wants ... a row, why not try gray rock.

Or agree with him and see how long it takes him to bring the subject up again to continue the stress?

Allthingspeaches · 18/12/2025 10:16

From now on I’d be arranging Christmas Day at your dad’s with all of your family and issue him an invitation. He can argue with himself about whether or not he’s going and you can be stress free and unbothered.

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 10:22

harriethoyle · 18/12/2025 10:14

The drip feeding on this thread from OP is absolutely extraordinary. Overnight, we've had changes in her story, verbal abuse from DH to FIL and now homophobia from DH to BIL.

I'm out.

Im sorry i did not intentionally drip feed, im upset after this morning.

OP posts:
Purplewarrior · 18/12/2025 10:24

Can you explain why you can’t leave DH to fester by himself, while you take DC to have a family Christmas with your brother and dad at one of their homes?

ElectoralControversy · 18/12/2025 10:28

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 10:22

Im sorry i did not intentionally drip feed, im upset after this morning.

Don't worry about it, you don't owe anyone on here your full life story... And if you'd put it in the first post you would have been criticised for it being too long! 😉

GAJLY · 18/12/2025 10:51

I'm going against the grain here, every year he doesn't want family over for Christmas dinner but you ignore him and invite them? I kinda think it's his decision too. If he doesn't want anyone over then go to your dad's to cook or tell them you're not hosting this year. How do you invite them when your husband refused?! Do they just assume they're coming? I ask mine and vice versa when we want to invite/host. We had a full house one year with some drunk guests coming late at night. We both agreed not to do that again as we didn't enjoy hosting all day and evening! Is it possible to tell them you're not hosting Christmas dinner this year as your husband wants a quiet day?

RightSheSaid · 18/12/2025 10:56

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:30

There is usually an upheavle when there is something on yes or a problem I did not see coming.

He ruins your milestones. You need to decide if you want to live with every milestones or event being ruined by his moaning, sulking and petulance. You're doing all the work and effort and on top of that he's still making it a misery. Why don't you leave him. Then he can permanently be on his own.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/12/2025 11:01

harriethoyle · 18/12/2025 10:14

The drip feeding on this thread from OP is absolutely extraordinary. Overnight, we've had changes in her story, verbal abuse from DH to FIL and now homophobia from DH to BIL.

I'm out.

Good! Off you pop.