Husband refusing family Xmas day!

[Holidaywoes12]

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

Change can be hard. But perhaps he might have a point. Why not try his way and have a quiet Christmas, perhaps go out for a walk together or something. Give it a try for this year at least, you never know, you might see things differently.

Those who only want Christmas with their nuclear family - doesn’t this defeat the purpose of Christmas? Which is all about families coming together?

I think silent treatment is pretty horrible behaviour tbh OP. But if this happens every year then only you know if you actually listen and try to reach a compromise in the months before or if you are just basically avoiding / not discussing / ignoring him every year to get what you want.

My DH is like you and wants family round every Christmas- that includes my parents. I absolutely loathe it and just grit my teeth from Christmas Eve till afterwards as ‘hosting’ is not just the day. I barely see DH for three days as it’s endless shopping and preparing. It’s wasting part of Christmas Eve preparing and Christmas morning ruined by having to get up and ready to meet a schedule followed by more prep and cooking and then a ridiculous big meal with enforced jolliness and boring small talk. Then masses of washing up. Then having to play games or watch TV or whatever ‘on parade’ with other people constantly in ‘social mode’ with added fun of tidy up some more. I dream of a Christmas of just the two of us but it will never happen so I suck it up (probably because I’m female) but I do understand how your DH feels.

Nope
For me Christmas is a break from hectic daily life. A chance to unwind and relax with my partner.

You deserve a break 100 %

Bet he's not rushed off his feet tho like you are. He's probably just really antisocial.

Because it’s not just about the widowed FIL. If it was OP could of suggested ‘it’s too late to change the plans this year and I don’t want dad on his own but how about next year we make a plan to do something just the two of us and I’ll speak to brother about arrangements for dad.’

Shes not interested in giving her DH’s idea of Christmas any thought.

If he is really this agitated, can you not compromise, and have a ‘just you lot’ day on 25th, with nobody’s in laws of any stripe, and then have your dad and brother on Stephen’s Day, for a second festive day?
So on the 25th, your brother and dad do their thing together, and nobody’s alone.
It just seems like your giving way here would be an enormously kind thing, to a man who sounds really terribly low. Maybe he feels a bit invisible, or unheard.

Certainly I’d think always prioritising the Christmas style of your childhood, and your own family members’ preferences over your own husband’s could feel hurtful, even if it’s never intended as a slight.
Could you not let him have his way just this year, in the interests of making someone happy?

(apologies if Im barking up the wrong tree. You've reminded me of a few weird years in my teens when my parents were very disjointed, and Ma treated Pa as though he were worthy of only minor consideration. Still breaks my heart to think of him like that!)

He sounds quite mean.

Do Christmas/family gatherings trigger something in him?

going against the grain here but… you both want different things and every year the ‘compromise’ is doing it your way.
you have a brother, can’t you go to his, or he go to dads, or dad goes to his.

could the compromise be one day is a quiet one just the two of you and another be a family day (meal out boxing day for example) or that they will only come for half the day?

seems like what your DH wants doesn’t seem to matter to anyone…

And here’s the rub, he’s fallen out with his family (gosh I wonder why!). Now he wants you to fall out with yours. He is isolating you. Do you have any say? Is there ever joint decision making? Do you feel equal? Seriously, who is he to tell you what is happening on Christmas Day…it’s your Christmas too.

He sounds the most miserable, controlling individual around. How long are you going to put up with this? This is your life…fitting around his wants and needs, keeping him happy and all at the cost to your happiness/peace/contentment.

He’s not happy with your plans for Christmas Day, tell him to make himself scarce. No loss with his bad attitude!!

We have actually never had a christmas without either of our families, i suppose when mum passed away I felt I had to take over the role of keeping things going etc.. 🙈

Well he's not had any input about inviting her family. He's repeatedly asked for a quiet Christmas year after year and never had one. For all the op knows he might hate it

No it's about the birth of Jesus Christ but don't let that stop you

Or a thread that says my brother never visits unless he gets free booze and food and never has dad for Christmas but is happy for me to do everything

LTB

So despite him asking in advance (yet again) you have ignored his feelings and gone ahead with what you want.

And people call him controlling

It seems that you have opposing views of what Christmas should be like OP. My childhood and young adulthood Christmases sound very like yours. We had loads of family round and when the older family members were no longer with us my parents would invite waifs and strays who, for various reasons, would otherwise have been on their own. This ranged from overseas students who were too far from home to elderly couples whose children couldn't be with them. It actually made for very enjoyable Christmases but I do understand that that wouldn't be for everyone.

Could you have Christmas day this year just with your nuclear family and perhaps go to your brother's or father's on boxing day and have a second Christmas? I know that may be difficult for you and I agree that I could never have left my Dad on his own at Christmas.

My own feeling is that Christmas is a time for people not to be alone but I appreciate that others may feel differently. Especially in your husband's case because he is estranged from his family.

The op has only ever fuly funded and done all the work for Christmas. She’s gone to his family for Christmas and hosted them. He’s a miserable grinch who’s made every Christmas her family has come around a challenge , and I’d go to my dads, have my brother come there, and we jointly put together Christmas. Dh is very obviously not invited. He can sit on his own and be happy. Don’t leave him any festive food either.

No. He did not declare that he wanted a quiet christmas this year in october and then I ignored him and invited family anyway. He declared that “that old f#%*#r over there isnt coming this year forget it” as he does ever year and I asked him if he would rather see him alone and its gone from there this year again really..

I realise that the immediate family option isn't for everyone, but if you have children, I do believe Xmas Day is a special day for them. With all the excitement of new toys, few want to be herded off to visit relatives, or to be put on show for relatives visiting their house. Thinking back to my own father, he worked a 3-shift system in a factory and Xmas was one of the few days he had off to completely relax. He would have hated to have given up his precious time to make small talk with in-laws. No, he never did any cooking, but he worked the shifts to put the food on the table

He calls your dad “that old f#%*#r"?!

Has your dad done anything to warrant this? That sounds awful.

Go to your Dad's, have your brother come over there & enjoy the day without your stroppy house grinch. That's wholly compatible with him having a quiet Christmas.

Why should he leave his own home.

Why can’t they all go to OPs brothers.

Not everyone likes hosting loads of people in their home.

Why does 1 persons dishes trump the others did Xmas day.

If this was a reverse people would be going sick at OP for not compromising.

I actually do hope this is a reverse.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him on the realisation of this. it's probably too late to change plans now for next week but discuss the day and come to some agreement then next year do a quite one
I get people say Xmas is a time for family etc. but I am sure people will agree 2025 has been a shite year. for me it's cost a fortune everything has gone up in price I am exhausted this year. I love my family but god hard work and so are my in laws I would love to lock the door and not see anyone over Xmas but my husband feels a bit like you guilty with his widowed mother. we not hosting but have ti drive to his sisters for dinner Xmas day it's no crack at all I will be like your husband gritting my teeth nodding smiling and sipping wine counting down time to go home. he finds its stressful too but does it for his mother. he says when she gone we can go away for Xmas

@NotAnotherScarfi appreciate that but op father would otherwise be all alone on Xmas day, isn’t that cruel? Charity begins at home, if you can’t look after your own family, what good are you doing? This is the problem with a lot of western mindset, they are very selfish, hold very little respect to the parents that brought them up. I wonder how you’d feel when your adult child leaves you all by yourself on a special day, no where to go, no one to see. Her husband is a selfish man, a good decent man wouldn’t want his wife’s father to be all alone on Xmas day, he could even say allow the brother but we will have your father, he’s one person, hardly going to be chaotic so her dh would still have his quiet Xmas.