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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
Espressosummer · 17/12/2025 22:28

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:25

She doesn't actually say anything about him wanting to host his family...all she says is he has repeatedly asked for no one to come.

Again wtf isn't the brother doing more?

The OP has posted about how she has had occasions of hosting his family as well as going to his family. My suggestion is that he uses one of those occasions in the future to instead stay home and have his quiet Christmas.

What do you expect the brother to do? It makes far more sense for the OP to host since she has children. Better for them to be in their home Christmas day and nice for them to spend the day with grandad and uncle. Her dad also can't travel to the brother. As long as he brings gifts, wine and helps with the clearing up, I really don't see what more his contribution can be.

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 17/12/2025 22:28

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:15

He says its the other way around and asks where his say is in this that he doesnt want anyone around? And hes making me think

Ask him to sulk in his room for Christmas, and you have your family around. This is classic projection - he is definitely the controlling one. He can sulk anywhere he likes, you aren't preventing him from doing that. You host your family and have a lovely family Christmas.

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 22:29

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 17/12/2025 22:27

Okay, maybe descending is the wrong word but why shouldn’t he want a Xmas with just his nuclear family - which is exactly what OP has just said her childhood Xmases were like.

I said we come together as a family, grandmothers frrom both sides cousins etc is what our xmases looked like (sorry should have explained better)

OP posts:
9yhkout6 · 17/12/2025 22:29

It seems that the one Christmas you've never had is a quiet one with just the nuclear family and thats what your DH has asked for.

It also seems that you have taken on the assumption that you must look after your dad but not your brother - despite both of you being his kids.

Your brother is allowed to waltz in and out as he pleases but not you, let alone your DH. Why arent you pissed off at your brother for not caring about his own family or whether he is including your dad? Why should your Dh but not him?

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 17/12/2025 22:30

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

So leave him at home all alone for a quiet Christmas, while you cook for your dad and brother and one of their houses! And if he asks to come tell him to fuck off.

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 17/12/2025 22:30

Why are you putting up with this rubbish every year? Is your DH a delightful and supportive partner the rest of the year? 🙄

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:30

Espressosummer · 17/12/2025 22:28

The OP has posted about how she has had occasions of hosting his family as well as going to his family. My suggestion is that he uses one of those occasions in the future to instead stay home and have his quiet Christmas.

What do you expect the brother to do? It makes far more sense for the OP to host since she has children. Better for them to be in their home Christmas day and nice for them to spend the day with grandad and uncle. Her dad also can't travel to the brother. As long as he brings gifts, wine and helps with the clearing up, I really don't see what more his contribution can be.

Edited

Because he is now nc with his family (we don't know why). But they have never had a Christmas with just two of them and the kids....that must be draining

Greengagesnfennel · 17/12/2025 22:31

I think you can acknowledge he doesn’t want to be the host and still say it is a compromise for both of you. Can you offer if he wants to go out for a walk or not have to put in too much effort, that is ok. It’s family so you need to invite dad etc, but also because it’s family, he doesn’t need to make effort and family can understand he’s the kind of person who wants to chill and be low key.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 17/12/2025 22:31

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:25

She doesn't actually say anything about him wanting to host his family...all she says is he has repeatedly asked for no one to come.

Again wtf isn't the brother doing more?

That was my take on it too. OP may well of hosted his family but it doesn’t come across as though it was at his request. It reads like he wants Christmas without the others and hasn’t ever managed to get it. It probably came at great effort and expense to OP but if he didn’t want it you can’t expect him to be grateful for it.

I do understand not wanting to leave an elderly relative alone but I can’t comprehend being so dismissive of your partners feelings either

Millytante · 17/12/2025 22:32

randomusernam · 17/12/2025 21:23

So every year he doesn’t want to do a big thing and every year you have your family over. Never saying every other, dad could go to brothers house, you could go out. Please someone tell me what I’m missing? Sounds to me like you don’t listen to him and he gets fed up of being ignored so ignores you back. Relationships are about compromise not just always doing what you want to every year. Don’t surprise me loads of people are agreeing with you on here though. Maybe get off the man hating forum and go and discuss this with your partner.

Hardly a ‘man-hating’ constituency, given the number of bloody inadequate (and far worse than that) men everyone seems to marry.
They hardly need even to pass as adult and compos mentis in order to become DH@MN!

CornishTiger · 17/12/2025 22:33

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

I would definitely be granting that wish. Next year hopefully you’ll have left him. He sounds impossible and grumpy.

BrieAndChilli · 17/12/2025 22:33

Kist take the kids round to your dads and leave your DH to his misery

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:33

Greengagesnfennel · 17/12/2025 22:31

I think you can acknowledge he doesn’t want to be the host and still say it is a compromise for both of you. Can you offer if he wants to go out for a walk or not have to put in too much effort, that is ok. It’s family so you need to invite dad etc, but also because it’s family, he doesn’t need to make effort and family can understand he’s the kind of person who wants to chill and be low key.

But it's every year...there has never been a compromise from the op...it's full on family Christmas and not a chance of anything different...it's like going into a shop and seeing someone still sticking price labels on things..."because we've always done it that way".

Toomanysofttoys · 17/12/2025 22:34

If he wants to uninvite your dad and brother tell him he can call them and explain why..

If you want to compromise then boxing day should be family from now on and leave him with christmas his way.

Queenofthebees5 · 17/12/2025 22:34

I find this really strange that people are sticking up for the husband. Where I’m from everyone is welcome. A friend who lost his only child, will be there, sadly we lost a friend with learning difficulties and no close family, but he’d have been there. Isn’t this what Christmas is about? Your husband can have quiet dinners with you every other day of the year. Perhaps have a quiet Boxing Day instead?

9yhkout6 · 17/12/2025 22:35

surely xmas is different for everyone and if they dont family around thats ok.

TheCurious0range · 17/12/2025 22:36

Alpacajigsaw · 17/12/2025 21:25

It’s 2 men, one an elderly widower. Not Noel’s House Party

Oh for the return of the laugh reaction

SandyY2K · 17/12/2025 22:36

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:15

He says its the other way around and asks where his say is in this that he doesnt want anyone around? And hes making me think

I can relate to this a bit.

I find some men want to have a quiet family Christmas, but they don't actually do anything to contribute...like the cooking.

It's exhausting.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/12/2025 22:37

He is being unreasonable. He can have quiet days and weekends at home for the rest of the year, but there is only one Christmas each year. Or is he saying you can have your Dad and brother over any weekend you like, but just not on Christmas? I suspect he is not hospitable the rest of the year either.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 17/12/2025 22:38

He's fallen out with his family so consequently he doesn't want you to see yours. Is he 5? What an eejit. Don't you see what he's doing? He's gaslighting you too - nothing to do with wanting a quiet Christmas, that's just manipulation. He's unhappy so he wants you to be unhappy too. Selfish, selfish man. Ask yourself would a loving partner want that for you?

ElectoralControversy · 17/12/2025 22:38

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 17/12/2025 22:17

Also, if this was reversed and it was OP saying she wanted a quiet one without her DH’s family all descending but he was telling her to suck it up the replies would be so different. Good old MN double standard.

Why don't you try starting a thread saying you don't want your elderly widowed FiL coming to you for Xmas day even though DH is paying and doing all the work...simply because you don't fancy having a guest, and see how that pans out?

OnYerselfHen · 17/12/2025 22:38

"My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument."

In your OP, you state that this has been ongoing every year. Since you met? Have you ever had a Christmas without either of your family?

"I have never had a Christmas where he was willing for my family to be there though but I have always been willing to have his family"

Has he always been willing to have his family? Has he pushed that on you? And when you do have his family, is your own family there, too?

From what I can gather, Christmas has either been your family at yours, both families at yours, or you go to his family. I can see why he might be annoyed of for the majority of the years you've been together, he's asked for just you with no visitors and he's always been told no.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 17/12/2025 22:38

I would invite my family, pre warn them DH is a moody shit and just get on with it, DH will be outnumbered by happy family and will either cheer up & join in or scuttle off and sulk. Who cares you’ll have your family for company in your home. It’s your Christmas too.

Espressosummer · 17/12/2025 22:38

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:33

But it's every year...there has never been a compromise from the op...it's full on family Christmas and not a chance of anything different...it's like going into a shop and seeing someone still sticking price labels on things..."because we've always done it that way".

That's only because you have decided, based on nothing included in the OPs posts, that her husband never had any say when they hosted/visited his family.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/12/2025 22:40

Sulking, arguments, gas lighting, silent treatment. Ringing any bells for what this behaviour is called op?

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