Husband refusing family Xmas day!

[Holidaywoes12]

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

Selfish... he's never had the Christmas he's wanted so how is the selfish one? She always gets what she wants. The man you should be pissed with is the brother who never visits (110 miles mind) and doesn't do f all to help with fil or cook. But he eats her food and drinks her booze...the bastard.

God I'm loving this thread

Is this a joke? Get rid of your miserable dh and have your family over. How does he make the rules? I cannot believe you would even consider not swing your family because he has fallen out with his???

There seems to be a thing of so many people going NC. You didn't really hear about it 5 years ago - no doubt it happened, and for things like the West family, it is of course understandable, but now people are doing it just because someone was late. or laughed at a joke they didn't like. We might say it's good not to accept rude behaviour just because someone is "faaamily", so "boundaries" are one thing, but if my partner cut off their family, or tried to stop me seeing mine, that would be a "red flag". Anyone who could cut off the person who gave birth to them, potty trained them, sat with them every night, took them to play dates, comforted them through teenage life etc. - no, I think that would be worse than a cheater.

Maybe OP wants to spend Christmas with her father…? Maybe she doesn’t see it as a burden to host family..

and to those suggesting the kids may want a Christmas alone, children tend to take their cues from adults around them, so if one parent resents having visitors, they will pick up on it and may feel the same.

i have never had a Christmas where he was willing for my family to be there though but I have always been willing to have his family.

So although this year is slightly unusual because he's gone NC with people from his family, did you never tackle this with him in the past? Ask him why he expected you to host or visit his family but you weren't allowed yours? Did you ever ask him why he only wanted 'a quiet Christmas' when you might be entertaining your family but not his?

How does he get on with your family generally? Does he try to isolate you from them at other times of the year?

Clearly she doesn't see it as a burden. Her husband has expressed a wish for a quiet Christmas, and doesn't seem to have ever had one. OP was worried about leaving her dad alone, and I was simply pointing out that DB should step up.

Clearly she doesn't see it as a burden, which is lovely. But can't the husband get just one Christmas his way? Has she asked the kids what they want. The original post was all about her wishes.

Theoretically, I’m Team husband as it is reasonable to compromise, but the way he presents his wish makes me feel there is something unreasonable about it. You also seem to lack creativity and be stuck in a “one solution only” mindset, rather than suggest ideas for a compromise.

Some questions to help you get out of the gridlock:

Is the issue seeing people or is the issue hosting in your home? When you mention seeing his family, that’s been elsewhere right?

Is there any chance you could see your family for Christmas but not necessarily HOST every year. Or to occasionally see them on another day (boxing, new years and so on) to let your husband have Christmas with just you? What would actually make a difference. Would compromise help or is he just in a grumpy mood about it all in general. We know what he doesn’t want, but was DOES he want?

The comment about not seeing your family because he’s not seeing his own family is very off putting. Would he really be happy if you went NC with your family, I’d ask him. Bitterness is very damaging to a heart so he better watch out.

Just go out and sack him off for Christmas Day. Bloody misery guts

Clearly not because brother can't be arsed to visit any other time of the year

Let him fuck off to a hotel, then

His behaviour is just antisocial and coercive

He sounds horrible and miserable and lacking in basic consideration,,not surprised he's no contact with his family they are probably thrilled to be rid of his mardy arse, send him to the shed or loft on his own .

But it's not the way he presents...it's the information the op has given us. I sure there will be a subtle difference if the husband had posted. Just consider the fact that in October he said he'd like a quiet Christmas...so not spung it on her.

If my husband wanted his relatives round for Christmas every single year, and told me to fuck off to a hotel if I didn't like it, I would 100% be serving the divorce papers in the new year.

So every single Christmas Day since you were together, you’ve insisted that your family is with you? And you’ve never ever given your DH an option which doesn’t include that?

If my understanding is correct, you’re being selfish and inflexible and I’m not surprised he’s pissed off. He’s behaving poorly but I suspect that’s from years of frustration.

Let him have a quiet Christmas. On his own. Go to either your dad's or brother's house, having had all supplies delivered there beforehand, and have a great Christmas with the three of you. ❤️

Why can’t your brother drive to your dad’s for a change and you have the quiet Xmas your DH clearly wants and needs after a year of wider family upheaval? It sounds like Xmas is always on your terms and you don’t listen to or respect his wishes.

My DP are dead but I have several siblings. I wouldn't even think to ask permission for any of them or their families to spend Christmas with us. I have only one DSis coming with BIL and DN. I think I'd actually laugh or tell him to fuck off if he tried to say no.

So basically because he's having a shit time family wise, he wants you to too?
Nice.

Let him have that if he wants. You go to your dad's with your brother. Give him his divorce papers when you get back.
Do you have any children?

YANBU OP.

Clearly a few posters on here don’t understand what’s it’s like to have a parent who’s a widower - of course it’s a no brainer that your dad will always be there!

He’s a completely unreasonable dick. Who the hell does he think he is demanding you don’t see your family?

You could respect his wish for a quiet Christmas OP and have the family Christmas you want by hosting it at your father's house (brother could visit you all there) leaving the grinch at home on his own - I'm sure he'll love that. 😉

He sounds like a highly miserable and controlling bastard. He's recently gone no contact with his family = big red flag unless there's a genuine history of child abuse. He makes a big fuss about you seeing anyone at times of the year when everybody else is celebrating with their loved ones = big red flag. He says why should you enjoy spending time with your family when he's cut off contact with his = big red flag. I'd seriously think about leaving him. Then he can have all the peace and quiet he wants.

No he wants just the nuclear family for the first time ever. That's the first time... Every other year the op has had loads of family around. he's suggested a quiet one
many times and been ignored. He has the right to the Christmas he wants just once surely?