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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
Ewock · 17/12/2025 21:44

I'd go to my fathers and ask db ro go there as well and dh can have his quiet christmas.

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:44

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:43

Not if your brother actually took some of load and went to dad's and cooked

that could work i suppose

OP posts:
grindergirl · 17/12/2025 21:46

As well as the OP's husband, I wonder what the children would like. Maybe they would enjoy no visitors to interrupt the tranquillity of what will become their later memories. Remembering my own childhood, I loved how Xmas Day revolved around the same things-new presents to play with, watching the same old films on the TV (always the Great Escape with my Dad), my Mum wanting lunch out the way in time so she could watch the Queen's speech, them both playing board games with us kids after that. We always went to my Gran's house on Boxing Dayagain I loved the routine of it. A 'quiet Xmas' can be joyful, it doesn't have to be open house

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 17/12/2025 21:47

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:36

Exactly you pay, not your father, nor your brother you. Money which could be spend on your kids....I have no issue with seeing your family but it's every year. Your husband has people in his house every year...the fil who must live close as it's ok for him to come to not your brother. The bil he sees once a year so can't have much of a relationship with.... could you not just one year have a break from it?

I see bringing people together and hosting as money well spent on my kids. How else will they learn to be hospitable, to welcome others and to indulge in the true spirit of Christmas unless their parents lead by example. Rather that than have additional money for stocking fillers.

I wouldn’t want a break from Christmas if it meant just being home with my husband and kids. We have the rest of the year to be insular. That’s not Christmas to me- I’d invite strangers who don’t have anyone to do Christmas with before I agree to that.

OP and her husband have different values but I think where couples disagree on an issue, the person who places more importance on the issue should get the final say. OP obviously places more importance on Christmas since she’s the one that makes the effort for the preparations - her husband would rather not bother. So they should do it OPs way since the day is actually special for her.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/12/2025 21:48

Actually on second thoughts i'd bundle the kids in the car and go to your Dads and have your DB join you there...buy a load of nice food crank the heating up and have a good time.

leave him to his own devices and let him rattle around in the house alone....Since that's what he wants apparently....

I say this as there's nothing in your posts indicating he wanting quality time with you or the kids... its very much "I want to be left alone" so leave the miserable bastard alone.

I also struggle to believe outside of this one issue your marriage is good /healthy

Minjou · 17/12/2025 21:48

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:30

It's odd, but she sounds like the controlling one. Every year, every single year,her family come to them. The brother she doesn't see from one Christmas to the next rocks up. "It's a no brainer my father's coming" that sounds really dreadful. Why can't dad go to the brothers for once?

She doesn't say who pays for all the food, booze, chocolate etc.

Could your husband just once have a Christmas without your family? Just the 2 of you and the kids. Could your brother host just once? Would it hurt just once?

She's hosted his family too. She's paid and cooked and cleaned every fucking year.

Rainbow1901 · 17/12/2025 21:48

He sounds extremely selfish not to mention overbearing. If he wants a quiet Christmas he should take himself off for the day and leave you to enjoy your time with your family. If he is NC with his family that is his issue not yours. He really sounds anti-social as it seems to happen at other times.
I'd be inviting your family and warning them that DH is feeling anti-social and not to worry about him or just ignore him. Alternatively assuming you can drive and are not housebound - take yourself to your Dad's and have Christmas there with DB and his family and leave DH to his 'quiet' Christmas!

Nevernonono · 17/12/2025 21:50

YourZippyHare · 17/12/2025 21:34

It's not 'abuse' to be pissed off with your wife because she insists on having her family over every single year for Christmas Dinner. Ffs. If that's 'abuse', then OP is equally abusive for completely disregarding DH's wishes.

In reality, it sounds like neither is abusive, they just want different things, so perhaps they should alternate years between a quiet and then a bigger family Christmas. Or something like that.

But he expects her tomoeave her father alone at Christmas! What a prince!

He doesn’t like a crowd… Two people 🤣.

ChristmasHug · 17/12/2025 21:51

It's difficult because both of you have a right to say who is in your house. He can't really stop them coming but he can be an arse about it and make the day unpleasant, and if that happens I would be divorcing him.

Give him a quiet Christmas. Take the DC and host at your dad's or brothers house. Then have a good think about whether this is acceptable behaviour.

Fetaface · 17/12/2025 21:51

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:15

He says its the other way around and asks where his say is in this that he doesnt want anyone around? And hes making me think

When he says this then say that is fine, it is your house too so we will leave you in peace. They do not have to come around but I absolutely will be seeing them we will just got out for dinner - enjoy your beans on toast.

You are then respecting his wishes for a quiet Christmas. You are giving him the most amount of quiet he can get.

Nevernonono · 17/12/2025 21:52

Nevernonono · 17/12/2025 21:50

But he expects her tomoeave her father alone at Christmas! What a prince!

He doesn’t like a crowd… Two people 🤣.

  • to leave her father
Marble10 · 17/12/2025 21:52

This would piss me off DH trying to ruin Christmas year after year. Can you not arrange it separately,
excluding him?

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:52

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 17/12/2025 21:47

I see bringing people together and hosting as money well spent on my kids. How else will they learn to be hospitable, to welcome others and to indulge in the true spirit of Christmas unless their parents lead by example. Rather that than have additional money for stocking fillers.

I wouldn’t want a break from Christmas if it meant just being home with my husband and kids. We have the rest of the year to be insular. That’s not Christmas to me- I’d invite strangers who don’t have anyone to do Christmas with before I agree to that.

OP and her husband have different values but I think where couples disagree on an issue, the person who places more importance on the issue should get the final say. OP obviously places more importance on Christmas since she’s the one that makes the effort for the preparations - her husband would rather not bother. So they should do it OPs way since the day is actually special for her.

I see your view and I know what you mean. But here's the uncle who only comes when he doesn't have to do anything and eats the free meal...is that an example.

Here you are kids, your grandad you see a lot but here is the virtual stranger who doesn't bother to drive for a couple of hours to see you any other time and you need to help host them. No you can't stay in your PJ's all day playing with your new toys. Every year.

Yes life and partnerships in particular are about compromise...I don't think the op has ever compromised and let her dh have a quiet Christmas

YourZippyHare · 17/12/2025 21:54

Nevernonono · 17/12/2025 21:52

  • to leave her father

OP has a brother. Time for the brother to take some responsibility for their dad too, rather than leaving it to OP every year.

Coalday · 17/12/2025 21:54

Horrible controlling man.
Do not inflict him on any children.

themerchentofvenus · 17/12/2025 21:55

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:16

Weve spoken about it since October, ive had on and off moods about it since then

Why are you putting up with this?!?!

Just tell him you enjoy seeing your family so if he is going to spent several months being moody and awkward about this then he can leave.

5128gap · 17/12/2025 21:55

YourZippyHare · 17/12/2025 21:24

You know, if a woman posted that she'd had to have her in laws over every single Christmas Day at her husband's insistence... most people would be saying it's reasonable to not want to do that every year. I'm team DH - compromise is needed here and it sounds like it's all been your way so far.

If in the majority of households choosing, buying and wrapping gifts, decorating the home for Christmas and planning, prepping and cooking festive meals were typically seen as a man's responsibility, then people would be more sympathetic with a man not wanting to host than they would be with a woman.

user789543678885432111 · 17/12/2025 21:56

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:15

He says its the other way around and asks where his say is in this that he doesnt want anyone around? And hes making me think

To be fair, if you always get your own way, he has a point. He is going about it in a bonkers way, but I’s be pretty annoyed if I never got to have the Christmas I want.

HatKat · 17/12/2025 21:56

Invite them. Let him sulk like a child!

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:57

Nevernonono · 17/12/2025 21:50

But he expects her tomoeave her father alone at Christmas! What a prince!

He doesn’t like a crowd… Two people 🤣.

But she has a brother...he could visit dad. Why every sodding year (I'm getting too invested here😂) should they host her family. Brother could do something or is it 1955 and a man can't possibly be expected to cook... don't get me started on Chris Bloody Ramsey on channel 4 being a superhero for cooking Christmas sodding lunch.

LibbyOTV · 17/12/2025 21:59

Just cannot believe there are men like this - who still have a wife!

Don't put up with that and don't try any more to reason with someone so selfish and unkind. Invite your family and don't include him if he doesn't want to be there.

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:59

Minjou · 17/12/2025 21:48

She's hosted his family too. She's paid and cooked and cleaned every fucking year.

Exactly she's insisting on doing that. He doesn't want it.

snugasabug75 · 17/12/2025 22:02

Why don't you and your bother go to your dads and leave him in peace if that's what he wants?

YourZippyHare · 17/12/2025 22:02

5128gap · 17/12/2025 21:55

If in the majority of households choosing, buying and wrapping gifts, decorating the home for Christmas and planning, prepping and cooking festive meals were typically seen as a man's responsibility, then people would be more sympathetic with a man not wanting to host than they would be with a woman.

Thankfully not in this household, but I take your point. In that spirit, OP's brother should be stepping up to help with their dad sometimes, rather than it always falling to OP. We (as a society) don't expect enough from men.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 17/12/2025 22:02

I have to say I think i side with your husband. Unless I’ve misunderstood it sounds like in all the years you’ve had together you’ve done Christmas your way. I don’t think either way is right or wrong in regards to the best way to spend Christmas but I do think marriage is about compromise and it sounds like he’s never had a ‘quiet’ Christmas. It may not be such a fight every year if you actually found a way to alternate so you each get a bit of what you want