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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
Tuesdayschild50 · 18/12/2025 19:10

Why all this before christmas every year.. he is a grown man what he decides with his family is his choice but don't allow him to control what you and your family want to do.
Why stay for this shit.

OneNewLeader · 18/12/2025 19:16

If he really struggles with groups of people in his home, he has a point. There’s a lot of good suggestions about shifting the venue. Do that. Acknowledge his opinion, understand it’s his home too and leave him to it.

I assume he has many other redeeming qualities that you value and your relationship is a true partnership.

MayaPinion · 18/12/2025 19:17

Go to your dad’s for a few days over Christmas and have a wonderful festive time. Don’t tell your husband until the day before your go so you don’t have to spend too long dealing with his moods. If he wants a quiet Christmas then he can have one. I’d never have left my dad to have a Christmas alone x

C152 · 18/12/2025 19:23

Well, your DH has a poor way of dealing with conflict; but you have behaved in a selfish way and I can understand why he's really annoyed. When he tells you very clearly that he wants a quiet Christmas without your father, you try to guilt him into agreeing with you, 'would you rather see him alone'? Your father is an adult; capable of keeping his own company or organising to see friends. He may not be able to travel to see your brother, but what's stopping your brother travelling to your father's house to see him?

JJWT · 18/12/2025 19:30

I'm afraid I'm against the grain here. You are forcing him to have people round when he's made it clear he does not want that. I would absolutely hate this, I'd be so stressed. Why are you insisting on getting your way? Every. Single. Christmas. Do you always ride roughshod over what your partner wants? Has it not occurred to you to compromise with alternate years, just the two of you one year, family gathering the next? Why can't you go and have your family gathering in a different house, when it's a family gathering year? Do your really expect him to never ever have a quiet visitor free Christmas, given this is what he's said he wants? I think you're the controlling one, not him. How many Christmasses have been done his way, and how many your way? The answer to that tells you who the controller is.

Kdubs1981 · 18/12/2025 19:32

Honestly? I would divorce him

CandidRaven · 18/12/2025 19:37

I'm not fond of having people in my home and I enjoy the quiet so I understand him with that but I do deal with it at Christmas as it's once a year and I wouldn't want to deprive my children of a nice Christmas where they see their family, if I were you I would arrange to have Christmas at someone else's house and he can stay at home, not everyone likes socialising and that's fine but he can't stop you from seeing your family at Christmas.

BellissimoGecko · 18/12/2025 19:37

Your h is abusive. The way he talks about your father!

Wanting to isolate you from friends and family is a bad sign too. As is having poor relationships with his own family. And all the dramatics! How exhausting for you.

I’d dump him.

HelenaWaiting · 18/12/2025 19:49

harriethoyle · 18/12/2025 10:14

The drip feeding on this thread from OP is absolutely extraordinary. Overnight, we've had changes in her story, verbal abuse from DH to FIL and now homophobia from DH to BIL.

I'm out.

The OP hasn't drip-fed. She has had to give additional detail because you and another poster have bullied her relentlessly. I'm glad you're out, because it hasn't been pretty to witness.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 18/12/2025 19:55

JJWT · 18/12/2025 19:30

I'm afraid I'm against the grain here. You are forcing him to have people round when he's made it clear he does not want that. I would absolutely hate this, I'd be so stressed. Why are you insisting on getting your way? Every. Single. Christmas. Do you always ride roughshod over what your partner wants? Has it not occurred to you to compromise with alternate years, just the two of you one year, family gathering the next? Why can't you go and have your family gathering in a different house, when it's a family gathering year? Do your really expect him to never ever have a quiet visitor free Christmas, given this is what he's said he wants? I think you're the controlling one, not him. How many Christmasses have been done his way, and how many your way? The answer to that tells you who the controller is.

You’d really expect your partner not to have their family over at all over the Christmas period? I think that’s awful tbh.

Calendulaaria · 18/12/2025 19:56

Tell him he is welcome to stay in the bedroom to have a lovely day of peace and quiet. You will be having your family over to celebrate Christmas. What a dick. I don't know how you stand him.

TiredofLDN · 18/12/2025 19:59

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

Let him have a really quiet Christmas then, and just you go to your fathers and have your brother there too.

MMAS · 18/12/2025 20:00

This may well be a rude question to ask. But in order to give you a proper response, what Nationality are you and what is he. If, you both celebrate Christmas due to your faith then there should not be a problem. If, you do not, then perhaps therein lies the issue. If you choose not to answer my Q, then I have to say you are being controlled. Whilst your Father at least is alive you have the right to see him and do what you wish for Christmas. You will only regret it if you do not. The fact your husband has declined to see his family is not your problem but in wider aspect actually is a cause for concern, given recent events.

Alittlewordinyourear · 18/12/2025 20:08

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Petulant manchild. Christmas is a time for family . Making you hurt your dad and your brother to please him is cruel. It’s one day . I would arrange to take my dad abd brother out and leave Scrooge at home to nurse his wrath

Greyhound98 · 18/12/2025 20:16

You can respect his wishes by pissing off to your family and having a lovely Christmas with them in one of their homes. You can still do the cooking etc.
Leave the Grinch to fester in silence with the telly for company being as quiet as he likes.

SweetHydrangea · 18/12/2025 20:20

How long has he been asking you for a quiet family Christmas? If it’s been several years and you have always got your way and invited your family, I think it’s only fair that for once he can have a quiet family Christmas as he wishes?

AgnesX · 18/12/2025 20:23

Can you and the kids go to your dad's? Leave DH to it.

OldScribbler · 18/12/2025 20:25

I am constantly astounded at how many cantankerous unsociable gits there are on here, busy creating misery for those near to them

SweetHydrangea · 18/12/2025 20:28

harlemshake · 18/12/2025 18:46

how is it abuse to not want people around your home that you do not want?

It not abuse at all. I can see why mumsnet is full of single bitter women when they don’t think that compromising with their husband or partners for one day a year can been seen as anything other than abuse!

For those saying her husband should go to a hotel for Christmas. Get a grip. It’s his home and if he wants to spend Christmas at his home without having to entertain the OPs family every year, he should be able to do it once in a while. She isn’t an only child, she has a brother than can keep her dad company. Pathetic

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/12/2025 20:28

nutbrownhare15 · 17/12/2025 21:10

Go out to meet your relatives and leave your miserable husband at home on his own. Does he have any redeeming qualities? Silent treatment and trying to separate you from family members are indicators of domestic abuse.

This is what I would do. Leave him to his own devices.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/12/2025 20:30

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/12/2025 20:28

This is what I would do. Leave him to his own devices.

This excellent solution has been suggested to (and ignored by) the OP multiple times now.

LouiseK93 · 18/12/2025 20:31

He sounds like a right piece of work.

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · 18/12/2025 20:31

I’m really sorry OP, I would find this really hard to live with. You are not being unreasonable, his estrangement from his family doesn’t mean you can’t be allowed to see yours?! So this argument happens every year - what normally happens to make him relent and you go ahead? I mean what would happen if you simply went ahead (as usual) and just said it was too late for others to make arrangements now? Sour puss looks / huff / face like a slapped arse but it sounds like you’ve survived this behaviour from him times. Maybe you can all sit down together and watch Jim Carey in The Grinch (you might have to strap him in but try to get to the end where the grinch’s heart beats and he finally discovers the meaning of Christmas, perhaps this grinch will thaw too!)

Daisy12Maisie · 18/12/2025 20:33

My partner of 4 years asked me if I wanted to spend Christmas Day with him and his family.

I said I can’t as my mum has just passed away so I need to spend it with my siblings who are upset and our children. He is welcome to come to me but I can’t leave my family due to the circumstances. It wasn’t up for discussion.

He just said ok and that’s the end of it. For me Christmas is about family, I know your husband is your children’s family but you have responsibilities to the rest of your family as well. I would consider leaving him over this as it is controlling and unkind.

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 20:35

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/12/2025 20:30

This excellent solution has been suggested to (and ignored by) the OP multiple times now.

Edited

Its not been ignored, its been noted a number of times thank you, but in the same way I will not leave my father on his own for Xmas, I wont leave my husband on his own either.

OP posts: