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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
ChequerToRed · 18/12/2025 11:06

Some of the responses here are just bizarre. It’s not a Mongol horde descending over Christmas, it’s one, by the sounds of it single, brother (who may visit at some point over the festive period, not necessarily Christmas Day) and an elderly widower. Thats not a busy housefull by any stretch of the imagination, it’s one, maybe two extra people. My OHs Christmas family gathering this past weekend was over 30!

NotAnotherScarf · 18/12/2025 12:29

Izzyharrison · 18/12/2025 10:11

I take back all my support of him, he's a twat.

Having been team husband...no you're all right,I'm wrong, he's a cock

AngelicKaty · 18/12/2025 13:14

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 10:22

Im sorry i did not intentionally drip feed, im upset after this morning.

Don't apologise. She's just annoyed because she came out hard backing the wrong horse (which is strange since there was plenty of information in your first post alone to indicate to the sort of man your "D"H is).

Sharptonguedwoman · 18/12/2025 13:20

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

Well he can have a quiet Christmas, can't he? All by himself.

Coalday · 18/12/2025 13:35

He's been sulking since October?
You are innan abusive relationship.
Your poor children.
Call Womens aid for advice and support.

Aluna · 18/12/2025 13:43

harriethoyle · 18/12/2025 10:14

The drip feeding on this thread from OP is absolutely extraordinary. Overnight, we've had changes in her story, verbal abuse from DH to FIL and now homophobia from DH to BIL.

I'm out.

You’re just blaming OP that you didn’t pick up he was an arsehole earlier. It was actually loud and clear. OP’s paying for Xmas was in post 7 and DH verbally abusing DF some posts later.

tryingtobesogood · 18/12/2025 13:52

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 10:22

Im sorry i did not intentionally drip feed, im upset after this morning.

OP, I’m not surprised you are upset. Some people on here love to criticise and look for things that are just not there.

my viewpoint, having a father and sister who pick and choose when family are important accorfing to what other plans they have - it’s one fucking day. You OH needs to get over himself, stop being so controlling, stick some potatoes in the oven and open the wine. It sounds like when he was talking and seeing his family all is fine, but when it is your turn he sulks, strops and gaslights you.

Sod him, go you your Dads, see your family and leave him at home. He can have all the peace he wants. Stay over and come back after Boxing Day.

Coalday · 18/12/2025 14:02

Go to your fathers for Christmas and contact Domestic abuse charities for support.

alittleprivacy · 18/12/2025 14:08

GAJLY · 18/12/2025 10:51

I'm going against the grain here, every year he doesn't want family over for Christmas dinner but you ignore him and invite them? I kinda think it's his decision too. If he doesn't want anyone over then go to your dad's to cook or tell them you're not hosting this year. How do you invite them when your husband refused?! Do they just assume they're coming? I ask mine and vice versa when we want to invite/host. We had a full house one year with some drunk guests coming late at night. We both agreed not to do that again as we didn't enjoy hosting all day and evening! Is it possible to tell them you're not hosting Christmas dinner this year as your husband wants a quiet day?

Because it's not just one day he wants. It's the whole festive season. She's not supposed to see her father or brother throughout the whole Christmas period.

toomuchfaff · 18/12/2025 15:01

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 10:10

He doesnt, i pay for christmas (apart from the turkey) as i do everything else all year long. He doesnt like my brother because he is gay and doesnt want him here. He has no reason to dislike my father but they generslly get along but still calls him “the old f%#^*”
He’s left this morning in a huph without speaking to me apart from yellong that I used his card to pay for DS’s school trip in the bee year because I didnt tell him.

He sounds an absolute delight. If it became evident that my partner didnt like my brother because he was gay... he'd have been shown the door and id have ended the relationship.

nicepotoftea · 18/12/2025 15:31

I don't get the impression that your DH even likes Christmas OP. It doesn't sound as though he wants to spend time with his family on Christmas Day - just that he resents spending time with your family on any day.

Tadpolesinponds · 18/12/2025 15:33

Or is it that he resents his wife having and enjoying a relationship with her family?

icouldholditwithacobweb · 18/12/2025 15:36

Book him into a hotel for his own quiet Christmas. Done.

WhatAreYouDoingSundayBaby · 18/12/2025 16:17

Surprised at a lot of the responses here, surely if any time is one where people should be 'allowed' to see family it's Christmas? Most people do see it as a family occasion and that is part of the joy. It is not OP's fault that her DH has gone no contact with his family, but tbh it seems like this has been a long-running issue even before that.

I would be gutted if my husband was acting this way, it would really ruin Christmas and cause a lot of stress.

I am guessing the majority of time through the year is spent without OP's brother (obviously if she only sees him on Christmas) and father hanging around her house, so it's not like her husband is asking for just a couple of days of special time for just them and the kids.

Would he even be happy if OP cancelled the plans and had Christmas at home alone with him?? I bet he would just sit on his arse all day watching telly, not helping, and then fall asleep after dinner, leaving everything to OP. I wouldn't give up Christmas with my father and brother for this.

BettysRoasties · 18/12/2025 16:53

Removing the fact your husband is an arsehole and just basing it off bigger family Christmas or house only Christmas.

I’d be pissed if every single year we had to spend it with guests never getting a just the people in my house Christmas so I completely get that stance. I’d be rather grumpy as being forced year after year and never having my wants taken into consideration even for one year.

Your husband isn’t wrong to want a home Christmas he is a knob in general Though.

AngryBird6122 · 18/12/2025 16:55

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:15

He says its the other way around and asks where his say is in this that he doesnt want anyone around? And hes making me think

Im a bit with your DH and surprised so many said YANBU. Can your dad not go to your brother or vice versa one year? Alternate so you get what you want one year and he does the other year?

What2wear2work · 18/12/2025 16:55

Contrarymary30 · 17/12/2025 21:11

Could you go to your Dads house and you do a Christmas meal there ? Your brother could come and see you all there . Leave your miserable H at home !

This and think about why he spoils Christmas for you every year

AngryBird6122 · 18/12/2025 16:56

SpinningaCompass · 17/12/2025 21:29

"It's my home and my Christmas, too, and my loved ones are welcome and will be joining me."

It his home as well though...... he shouldnt have guests forced on him every Christmas! I have a feeling if this was the other way round the responses would be very different

LEWWW · 18/12/2025 17:19

I mean just go to your dads with the kids and leave the miserable man by himself. Though he probably wouldn’t like that as there wouldn’t be a woman there to cook for him…

Khayker · 18/12/2025 17:26

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:16

Weve spoken about it since October, ive had on and off moods about it since then

He's manipulating you by asking where's his ability to choose. We all have the ability to choose what to do and where to go on Christmas day and you may choose to go to your dad's and cook dinner. He can then choose if he wants to go there or not. His need to isolate himself and you from everyone at Christmas time is not your problem. He wants to be alone, so let him but also let him know you don't and if he chooses solitude there's a place at the table for him at your dad's. Everything is about compromise this time of year. If he can't compromise then his choice is clear.

Matildalamp · 18/12/2025 17:30

harriethoyle · 18/12/2025 10:14

The drip feeding on this thread from OP is absolutely extraordinary. Overnight, we've had changes in her story, verbal abuse from DH to FIL and now homophobia from DH to BIL.

I'm out.

Good!

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 18/12/2025 17:42

randomusernam · 17/12/2025 21:23

So every year he doesn’t want to do a big thing and every year you have your family over. Never saying every other, dad could go to brothers house, you could go out. Please someone tell me what I’m missing? Sounds to me like you don’t listen to him and he gets fed up of being ignored so ignores you back. Relationships are about compromise not just always doing what you want to every year. Don’t surprise me loads of people are agreeing with you on here though. Maybe get off the man hating forum and go and discuss this with your partner.

I agree with you. My DH doesn't like entertaining at home but would compromise on every other year with me. He wouldn't like it but would suck it up and get on with it as long as he got his quiet Christmas the year after.

Relationships are compromise and a bit of give and take. Why shouldn't he get the quiet Christmas he craves in his own home once in a while if he has had to do what you want to do every year. Not everyone loves Christmas and loves a family get together, it doesn't make him a miserable buggar.

I don't get the replies on here. If it was a woman wanting a quiet Christmas and having to put up with her DH insisting the in laws came round every year she would get very very different answers!!!

Aimtodobetter · 18/12/2025 17:44

You DH sounds unpleasant to deal with frankly - its not like you are having a huge family over, its your pleasant sounding Dad (and sometimes brother). Also, am I missing something, do you pay for everything and do everything? Is that just Christmas or all through the year. How old are your kids?

dh280125 · 18/12/2025 17:48

Christmas is non-optional. He's a prat. Don't get talked round.

Noodlesfordinner · 18/12/2025 17:49

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 10:10

He doesnt, i pay for christmas (apart from the turkey) as i do everything else all year long. He doesnt like my brother because he is gay and doesnt want him here. He has no reason to dislike my father but they generslly get along but still calls him “the old f%#^*”
He’s left this morning in a huph without speaking to me apart from yellong that I used his card to pay for DS’s school trip in the bee year because I didnt tell him.

Why are you still married to this vile man? Christmas is least of your concerns and don’t give me ‘he’s got other qualities’ because this attitude should have had you out the door a long time ago and I think you really need to reflect deeply on what message you send by staying with someone who has this attitude to other human beings, yet alone his wife’s family

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