Sister in law asking we don’t do Christmas meal as dinner

[Cartaz]

DH’s family have always had a fry up/homemade pastries for breakfast. Proper posh, homemade canapés for lunch with cocktails. Think prawn and lobster vol au vents, mini Brie and cranberry puffs, arancini etc - so properly substantial. And then the Christmas meal as dinner.

They are amazing cooks so it’s indulgent. But the thing I like about this is you are eating when you are hungry. My family did the more typical eat a bit later at around 2pm. But I always found after picky bits/breakfast just general grazing eating a full roast was too much. And you obviously want all the nice extra bits.

This new way I feel like the time pressure is off and everyone gets stuck in more. Just more relaxed (for us).

I’ve adopted what dh’s family do. But SIL who is staying with us this year as we are hosting has asked that we bring to forward as it more traditional.

I just don’t get doing something one way cause everyone else is doing it that way.

To me it’s just more relaxed and who doesn’t love a candlelight dinner. I can’t believe the cheek of SIL

Oh Wow! She’s a guest. Unless there is a massive drip feed then she doesn’t get to be involved with logistics, especially as she doesn’t contribute.

We have lunch. I cook, I choose. It works for us as then I get to relax in the afternoon. Turkey, stop for The King, Pudding then presents while the dishwasher (machine!) starts the cleanup.

Because she is just one guest, it's incredibly rude to complain about your hosts timings. Does anyone really think the SIL will say 'oh, OK, no worries' if the OP says 'no, these are the timings that suit me'? There's no conversation to be opened.

If she said 'dinner is a bit late for little Xavier so I'll take some snacks for him to see him through' that would be OK.

Speak for yourself.

If one of my guests asks something politely and explains why, then as the host I will consider whether I'm willing to do that. It may well be something I am not fussed about, how will they know unless they say something?

My elderly parents can't eat a big meal late due to digestive issues, should they not say anything because "if someone is hosting you, then you eat when they want to"? Do you genuinely think they should turn my invite down with no explanation?! Or sit and not eat the meal I've spent all day cooking?

If someone demanded, dictated, insisted, whinged or otherwise was a nuisance - that is entirely different. If that's the case here though, the OP has not said so.

Ensuring my guests are comfortable is one of the things I am concerned about when hosting. I am genuinely surprised that so many people think otherwise. Don't worry, I will definitely turn down any invitation from you!

All we know is that the SIL wants a 'traditional' Christmas lunch at lunchtime.
Nothing to do with digestive issues (unless the Op is withholding other reasons).

I think it depends how she asked and why she asked.

With family, I would be more inclined to make suggestions like this (unless very new addition maybe). As my family expanded with siblings getting married and children, we have moved to a more "democratic" process now to agree on Xmas plans with my family, and i think it works much better than "your house, your rules".

Everyone does contribute a lot more too so it's less pressure on the hosts (usually my parents).

So for me it's fine that she asked, and it's fine to say that you prefer to keep the current schedule. If her main reasons is "to keep with tradition" then indeed I don't think it's good enough to change your plans.

On the other hand, I personally wouldn't like have a big dinner late, after having nibbles/picky food for lunch and big breakfast. Its too much food overall, and I would probably not be hungry for dinner.

That's actually one of the big change my family has made, we do Xmas lunch at normal lunch times, then light dinner/fancy nibbles at dinner for those who wants.

Tell her she has two choices, put up or fuck off.

And again...this!

💯🤣

OP, why has this request got to you much that you can't believe the cheek of her and feel the need to write out all your justifications here on why you don't want to change your plan? There must be more to it than your SIL asking if the main meal could be done at the more traditional time, as all you would need to do is say it doesn't suit you to change the plan. Why the big fuss? Something is missing from the OP.

Unless you serve dinner at 8pm and she has children under 7yrs, I can’t see why she feels she can dictate?

She’s a guest. Your house, your schedule.

But equally, I can't imagine being so rigid and fussy about something as trivial as meal timings as to ask the host to change their plans. My own family is thankfully very much of the "go with the flow" mentality, and nobody would dream of being uptight about mealtimes.

Indeed. Would SiL write to a bride and groom and ask them to bring the wedding breakfast forward? It’s one day, and she’s a guest.

This. No need to make more of it than that.

It's rude to ask because it puts the person doing the work and bearing the cost into a position of having to justify their choices.

They shouldn't have to.

As for 'go with the majority' - no. It's not your guests' decision - it is yours as the host and the guests can decide to attend or not.

If you attend as a guest - be on time, bring a host gift, keep out of the way of the cook, offer help for clearing up and then thank the host.

Do not question them, criticise their menu, their cooking skills, their home, get in their way, demand things that are not offered or sit around doing nothing,.

Any talk of "traditional" reminds me of the peep show Christmas dinner. I bet it's pretty representative of many family Christmas dinners.

But SIL who is staying with us this year as we are hosting has asked that we bring to forward as it more traditional.

As long as she asked in a polite "would you consider" sort of way then I don't see the problem. It might be that she thinks you're flexible. It wouldn't bother me if someone asked me similar, as long as they then accepted my response in good grace.

We have our Christmas meal when it's ready. We might have it early afternoon if we're been home all morning, we might have it much later if we'd been out to see someone.
This year we're having it on the 27th!

But asking isn't being uptight about it. It's just asking for a possibility. If she was told no then threw her toys out of the pram and said it was completely unacceptable that would be a very different scenario.

So patronising. I am just saying to OP why I support the SiL. However, since they are all family, it is perfectly reasonable to have a discussion about the timetable for Christmas. We do it every year, no matter who is hosting there is always a consensus. It’s polite, it’s inclusive and makes for a very lovely day.

It isn't "weird" at all - it's perfectly normal for many families.

We do a big Christmas brunch at around 11ish and then the main meal in the evening. If people are hungry in between, they can have a piece of Christmas cake or a mince pie etc.

There is no "right" or "normal" way of doing things. Just what works for each family. And it is usually the host that decides when meals will be served.

We have cooked breakfast around 8.30. Crepes and coffee at 11. And still get nagged if lunch isn't ready before 2!!
Thanks sil for offering to have the lunch ready at a time of her choosing...

You are hosting. Your rules.

Christmas guests are usually close family. This all sounds very formal.

In our house it's more like:
Sis: hey sis, are you making bread sauce?
Me: errrr no, can't stand the stuff, you make it yourself if you want
Sis: can't be arsed, can I open another bottle of fizz?
Me: sure, I'll have one too please.

Or they'll hear me clattering around in the kitchen and stage an intervention so I can have a break.

Yes, I agree with this too.

It's pretty rude for a guest to ask for major changes to be made just for them. Politely stating a preference is OK, but then just accept the host's way of doing things IMO.

We have a sizeable brunch and eat around 4 and nibbles around 9ish. Everyone seems happy with that.

But the OP clearly has a plan already. Surely the gracious thing to do is to just accept the host's plan? It is uptight to ask for that plan to be changed simply because you prefer a different schedule. Most people would just accept the host's plan as they are the one that will be doing the cooking.