Break from OH

[Wherethewildthingsar]

I really need to leave my partner. We have two children together, he struggles to keep a job and is in a constant cycle of looking for a new role. He has been on sick leave for months now which is little to no pay. He did start counselling for his mental health and started medication although i fear he’s lying to me. He hasn’t been taking his medication because “he forgets” and has these mood swings. He told me his counselling is arranged for after Christmas although he told another family member he had it yesterday. He isn’t doing any work on himself to improve his situation, he has nothing behind him. The house, car, everything is in my name only because I have always been stable and in work. I would be reluctant to sell the house because that’s the only time he would eventually have some money and I don’t think that’s fair on me or the kids. He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person, however I fear that with things remaining like this he will never change. I will always make sure the kids don’t go without. If he had £10 to his name, his priority would be to spend it on cannabis. I don’t want to cause conflict or arguments as I don’t want either of us in a bad mood that our children pick up on. How can I best navigate my way through this?

An amazing dad would not spend his last £10 on cannabis. An amazing dad would be setting a good example and role model behaviour to his children.
Wake up and stop making excuses for him . He’s a loser and you and your children will be better off living away from him.
it’s your house - so kick him out . Your job am your priority is to look after your children’s welfare - not to avoid upsetting your loser partner .

@Fidgety31 I think because he knows he has me they won’t ever go without so in a way I feel like I’m enabling him. I’m not sure where he would go, he would have to bite the bullet and reach out to his mum or dad. They are aware of the situation but nobody is really doing anything to help the situation so it falls on my shoulders

No, it doesn't fall on your shoulder. It's not your responsibility to sort his life out. It's his.
It doesn't matter where he goes. I am sure he is a big boy and can figure it out. And it just may be the push that he needs to pull his finger out.

He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person

No hes not. Stop making excuses for him. He'd spend his £10 on cannabis, he wont hold down a job, he lies. He ISNT A NICE PERSON OR AMAZING DAD.

You are enabling him.

The only thing wrong with your OP is the first sentence where you say you need to leave. Nope. HE needs to leave. His MH would likely be tons better if he didn't smoke cannabis, but if he'd spend his last tenner on it then I doubt that's going to happen. He's setting a very poor example to his DC, he's not contributing to anything. Time to tell him the relationship is over and ask him to find somewhere else to live. The good news is you're not married and the house is in your name. Well done for that.

It’s shit when it all falls on you- but if that’s the situation then you have to deal with it .

Start by writing out the practicalities of splitting. Once you know what you’ve got to do- set yourself a time limit to do it .
Don’t waste any more of your own precious life or your kids childhood. These are not the memories you want them to have as adults .

I would bet the cannabis is a big part of the problem. I’d dump him for smoking that even without the other issues thrown in.

An amazing dad isn’t a man that smokes drugs and is a long term layabout.

Remove him from your property, there's no point to him whatsoever and it's an adverse childhood experience to have a drug abusing parent. He's leeching off you and your children.
Find your rightful anger and get him dumped. His housing is his problem to figure out.

You need to remove this leech from your house and your life. You are enabling his behaviour at the moment op. No more, out he goes and takes responsibility for his actions. Stop putting up with his shit, sooner or later it will affect your kids - don’t wait for that to happen.

Tell him he has to go.
I had a close friend in the same situation just over a year ago, he was lying about having been to the doctor and taking his meds and going to counselling. The money he did get just dissapeared, she didn't see a penny and was paying everything while he slept all day and moped about.
She put up with it for 5 years and it took her leaving him for him to get his shit together, they've managed to come out the other side of it amazingly.

I don’t want to sound like I’m naive he doesn’t smoke weed all day - but late evening. But regardless, I hate him smoking it but he tries to justify it

He is not a good dad far from it!! Wake up and smell the bullshit

While everyone is saying "he isn't a good Dad" I think the OP means that he is loving and engaged with his kids but obviously struggling with his own demons. With their logic a great provider financially who is cold and emotionally distant would make a better father - I disagree.

But - you shouldn't have to carry him and I can see why you are resentful.

Are you married? If so that's more complicated.

If not, ask him to move out. Explain you are struggling with the shit spiral and need him to move so you can focus on you and the kids.

Give him a deadline of a few days.

Are you planning to do this before Christmas or afterwards? If you are delaying it I would start having conversations about how things can't continue so it's not a complete surprise to him in January.

Mate you've described a lazy, unemployed, druggie bum. That is NOT an amazing dad. It's not even an adequate one.

Raise your bar for yourself and more importantly for your children.

You tell him you want him to leave, give him a date by which he must leave, and then help him pack his bags. Avoiding conflict does no-one any good, least of all your children who are living with a guy who is definitely not an amazing dad.

@BlueJuniper94 exactly that. He’s very engaged and present for the kids, involved with cooking / cleaning etc. however there’s this part of him that isn’t improving and I can’t see it’s going to anytime soon. So that’s what makes it harder because he is actually a good person

Are you married? If not ask him to stay at his parents for a bit and take a break.

give him 6 months to change while out of the house and ask to meet his councillor to and maybe have a joint session in that time.

change the locks. If he changes in the 6 months. Let him come back 3 days a week so he stays consistent. With a view to full time back with continuous employment and no weed and continued MH support.

if not, don’t give him the new key and drop his stuff at his parents.

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personally I’d get rid he seems workshy but you obviously love him so want to give him a chance to change.

Is he then driving the next day? Cannabis can stay in your system above drug drive limits for 24-48h if a regular user.

What would you say to your kids if they were in a relationship of this type?
What message would you like to send to them about healthy relationships?

He's a druggy.
Your poor children.
What an appalling role model.
Of course they will fully realise the truth about him.
He contributes nothing financially and does drugs daily?
You ask him to leave.
His family are thrilled he found a mug to live off.

You and your children deserve so much better.
He needs to be told to leave.

But that's OK. Nobody is going to stop him being a present father for his kids. You don't need to live/be together for him to continue being involved with children.

It’s only going to get worse with age.
He has to give up, & has to have given up for at least 10 years (most would say 13yrs) before he can say he’s no longer addicted. Even ordinary cigarette smoking needs to be 7yrs, so he absolutely needs to stop yesterday.
Guess he’ll need to leave now really, to give him something to aim for once he’s clean?

@Catwalking yes this cycle seems to be constant and isn’t improving over time. The longest he’s held down a job is around 18 months max.
this is why I have to depend on myself and I’m just glad that I can still provide stability for our children

He will still be the kids dad when you kick him out. He can still do things with them but you shouldn't be supporting all of you.

YEP! 100% this! ^