Break from OH

[Wherethewildthingsar]

I really need to leave my partner. We have two children together, he struggles to keep a job and is in a constant cycle of looking for a new role. He has been on sick leave for months now which is little to no pay. He did start counselling for his mental health and started medication although i fear he’s lying to me. He hasn’t been taking his medication because “he forgets” and has these mood swings. He told me his counselling is arranged for after Christmas although he told another family member he had it yesterday. He isn’t doing any work on himself to improve his situation, he has nothing behind him. The house, car, everything is in my name only because I have always been stable and in work. I would be reluctant to sell the house because that’s the only time he would eventually have some money and I don’t think that’s fair on me or the kids. He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person, however I fear that with things remaining like this he will never change. I will always make sure the kids don’t go without. If he had £10 to his name, his priority would be to spend it on cannabis. I don’t want to cause conflict or arguments as I don’t want either of us in a bad mood that our children pick up on. How can I best navigate my way through this?

He’s not an amazing Dad so drop that from your reasoning for a start. If you’re not married and house is in your name get him notice to leave. Step up and start protecting yourself and your children.

If his issues - whether they're addiction/dependency, criminal activity, MH issues, or whatever - are negatively impacting you and/or the children, AND you can't trust him to seek and accept appropriate help and do the hard work to change things, then I think you need to end it. Ask him to leave. If he has parents to go to, that's lucky for him and may be a perfectly good option. They may be more willing to get involved when they see that there's a crisis. Or he may have other backup plans that you don't know about. None of that is your problem and it doesn't sound like you have the spare time and energy to take it on.

He’s an amazing dad ... He'll still be the children's dad even when the two of you are separated or divorced; there's no need for him to be any less amazing. But from the sounds of it he's not taking on his full share of the parenting and childcare responsibilities now. Will he have them for half the time, focus on them during the time they do have together, and contribute his half for their financial and emotional upkeep after you two split? I'm not saying he CAN'T, anyone can lose a job or have a financial crisis or suffer from depression or addiction or other MH issues but an amazing adequate dad (and an adequate partner) would already be actively trying to get back on track.

He isn't like you, probably he was attracted to because he sensed that you are a generous person who will be easy to exploit.
Maybe he justifies it to himself and thinks that everything is fair?
More likely he doesn't think too deeply about anything just lives on the surface and lets everything ride, because he can, because you have always been there to pick up the slack.
He isnt agonising about his behaviour and his choices, he's letting you do the hard thinking tying yourself up in knots, wondering what's going on.
You're doing the hard yards so that he can have an easy life without exerting himself or applying himself.
Stop letting him free ride on your hard work.

I knew before I got to the end that you were going to mention cannabis! Long term use robs some of the urge to work and provide.

You really are better off without him.

@OfficerChurlish thank yiu so much for this comment. I honestly feel empowered by coming here. I am no longer taking this from him and it’s clear on what the right thing for me to do is!

@MO0N its true probably because I have always worked, always been independent and financially independent. Things will be tight but I don’t rely on him now anyway so it shows it can be done without him

So you think she is better off with another adult at home to feed? He is, presumably, at home all day using water, electricity...
If she was desperate for a man who brings another income, more reasons to ditch this one and find a man who will. And I don't think it is all that desperate, really. Myself and many of my friends are single professionals with mortgages and kids and manage just fine on a single income (in many cases with no child maintenance to rely on either).

Please get him out of your life.
Self report to SS and call Womens aid for advice.
He's a druggy.
Your children will be far better with you alone.
You owe him nothing.
He has lived off you.
Don't entertain any bullshit about him being owed even one penny.
He is owed nothing.

Perhaps he will step up and co parent well and get his shit together, but either way, thats on him.
You have two children, not 3.
He is a man child and will drag you down with him.

He has no need to step up when he gets to live off you.
Would you like a daughter to end up with him?
Men are not projects for women to fix.

@Coalday self report to social services is that? I guess I have excused it for so long because in my mind I thought a spliff or two a night wouldn’t impact him but clearly it does and he is addicted. He lacks motivation, struggles to hold down a job. But I think because I see him as this kind person I forget about everything else that comes with it.

@YorkshireGoldDrinker i would rather not be with someone and struggle financially than just be with someone because I’m worried about money. I will make it work - as I do now. I am hard working and will do anything to ensure my kids have a roof over their heads and have enough to enjoy life

@Wherethewildthingsar

You do not have to sell the house. He has no claim on it.

It is his responsibility to house himself. Don’t let him guilt trip you about this.

@HelpMeUnpickThis i can tell his family will side with him. But that’s probably because they know he will become their problem. His mental health isn’t great so I get that, however if he’s not doing anything to change it what on earth can I do!

Speak to your GP.
Self reporting to SS because he is a druggy and you want him out of the house.
Yes his family will 100% side with him.
They want him to be a you problem, not theirs.

You do not owe this lazy selfish druggy a home.
You deserve better.
Your children certainly do.

This is classic "boiled frog analogy" territory.
You have been slowly boiled by him and have just put up with it.

This is not normal.
You do not have to accept so little for you snd your children.
His health is for him to fix.
Not to take you down with him.
We are here for you.

Better you get rid of him now than 10 years from now.
Your children will get used to a new reality.

I just think the prescription to this issue is totally wrong, that's all. He's not violent, is he? This isn't a case of a raging alcoholic with a tendency to explode at any given moment, is it? This is a man with motivation issues and an addiction to drugs. All of that can be reversed with some time and care, but everyone jumps straight to "Kick'em out!" without consideration for the consequences.

My PILs have a 42 year old boozy layabout who is prone to violent outbursts, is on PIP and his 70 year old mum is in receipt of carer's allowance for him. He's refused all the help he's ever been given access to from his parents and the state in equal measure. Now that is someone who should have been turfed out years ago.

I haven't got the energy anymore, so I'll entertain this for a moment; kick him out, cut him off from his kids and all good he's ever known and make him viscerally hate women for the rest of his life. Do it. What harm can it do?

Of course. My mum said all those things once she'd kicked my dad out of the house. The reality did not resemble what was promised, let's put it that way. She never remarried or even landed a partner again.

S

Not being violent is a pretty low bar. And nobody here is suggesting he is cut off from his children.
He's been offered help and support. He is not making a change. What's your next suggestion? Baby him some more until retirement?

Sorry about that - accidentally pressed post too soon.

You have decided to end this relationship. You have given your reasons, and we all agree with you. But even if we didn’t, you can still decide to leave for any reason - honestly.

You are however, doing it for the best reason ever - your children.

Everytime you start guilting yourself over him, “oh he’s a good dad” - reframe it - “does a good dad - not go to counselling, not take medication to sort his mental health out? “Does a good dad - not keep a job, smoke cannabis, let his partner pay for everything? Does a good dad think of his children first and foremost in everything situation? Does your partner?

But even without reminding yourself the why he must leave, the end result is the same, and you need to resolutely focus on the how and when.

I read an interesting article about the difference about guilt and responsibility and how those two things can become mixed up. I’m think if you google it and keep it close to reread when you become confused it would help you keep on track.

It is possible you are in an endless thought loop, and keep returning to the why you should split. It’s a bit like deciding what to cook for dinner, then instead of start cooking it, you’re looking through your cupboards in case you find some other ingredients which mean you should cook something else entirely.

Nope. Just kick him out. It's going to happen anyway, so get on with it. Schedule an appointment for couples therapy, tell him you'll meet him there. Gather all his belongings and put them outside, then get the locks changed. Call the police if he kicks off. A strange man you're not married to banging on the windows? Instant arrest.

You want to wreck the holiday season, ironically of good cheer, love and understanding? Go ahead. I'm only seeing the same nonsense I witnessed as a child play out with another family decades later.

@Coalday maybe my bad is low but i certainly wouldn’t self report to SS because he smokes weed on an evening. Yes it’s still a drug and I don’t agree with it but I think a “druggy” is slightly too far? I don’t know.

@YorkshireGoldDrinker im sorry but I think you’re taking this all wrong. Like I said I’m not going to put up with this anymore. He is not violent no, but he also isn’t reliable. I cannot depend on him. I am still making sure we are doing things as a family and I will make sure we have a fun festive period as far is it goes for the kids. However there will be a deadline for him to be out. If he doesn’t want that then why not step up?

I think it may be helpful for you to consider therapy. You are clearly very upset about your childhood experiences still.
Some of us had a different experience of divorced parents and so we don't consider it the end of the world. In fact, we may even consider it preferable to the alternative of living in a household where both parents are unhappy but holding it together "for the children".

I understand and respect your view.
I am very anti drugs, including weed.
It is a scurge and removes ambition, drive and personal responsibility from so many.
It causes schizophrenia in some users and ruins the lives of so many.
I know this through friends and a close friend who is Pastoral Lead in a top university.

You need to put yourself and your children first and NOT feel guilty about it.
He has exploited your kindness.

I think after my mum turned around to boot me in the head while I lay on the floor after having passed out with anaemia when my periods started, frankly, my 'mother' can rot. It's free and doesn't inconvenience me.

Divorce or separation is devastating to young children. Older children are much more receptive, are sick of the fighting and already resent both parents to the point of not giving rat's arse if both were involved in an RTC.

'The children' as you so eloquently put it are as much victims of divorce/separation as everyone else involved is. To dismiss the effects it has on them is pure ignorance.

@YorkshireGoldDrinker completely disagree. Why not save my children the trouble of witnessing their parents aren’t right for each other? Two happy parents and a broken home is better than an unhappy one