Break from OH

[Wherethewildthingsar]

I really need to leave my partner. We have two children together, he struggles to keep a job and is in a constant cycle of looking for a new role. He has been on sick leave for months now which is little to no pay. He did start counselling for his mental health and started medication although i fear he’s lying to me. He hasn’t been taking his medication because “he forgets” and has these mood swings. He told me his counselling is arranged for after Christmas although he told another family member he had it yesterday. He isn’t doing any work on himself to improve his situation, he has nothing behind him. The house, car, everything is in my name only because I have always been stable and in work. I would be reluctant to sell the house because that’s the only time he would eventually have some money and I don’t think that’s fair on me or the kids. He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person, however I fear that with things remaining like this he will never change. I will always make sure the kids don’t go without. If he had £10 to his name, his priority would be to spend it on cannabis. I don’t want to cause conflict or arguments as I don’t want either of us in a bad mood that our children pick up on. How can I best navigate my way through this?

OP it is hard to say how this will impact on the kids, I reckon no one can predict this. But you sound like a caring person. You’ve already referred to keeping the boat steady over Christmas. You’ve also said that he has a family, good news, he should stay with them. He sounds kind and combined with your kindness that means you will likely be able to form a good co parenting team. Dad may wake up and get responsible when on his own two feet or he might not, it may be that the kids see him as that amazing dad but you carry a lot of the parenting weight, give them that when they are young, they will form a more informed view when they are older. The difference will be that you won’t grow to resent him over time because you’re responsible for him as well as everyone else in the household and he is dragging you down. What you are carrying isn’t fair. Listen to what others have said about what a good dad is and isn’t here. When you have your doubts or when he or his family challenge you, remember that a good dad puts his kids first, does not look for a payout to a house he did not contribute to financially because he chose to spend his money on himself and on weed when he knows or should know that he’s essentially putting his kids on the street. You can wheel out a nice diplomatic phrase for his family to preserve good relations ‘we weren’t in love anymore, I was finding it very difficult, I had to put the children first and provide a happy home for them’. Then shut the conversation down ‘there’s nothing more to say it’s very sad’. You can end any relationship by saying ‘it’s just not working for me’. And again, he is not due anything financially if you are not married, be firm on that.

Separation is often the best for children in an unhappy relationship- best for them to see their Mum wanting better for herself.

I agree.
One peaceful home 50% of the time with a loving mother is much better that a house of strife causing permanent life long anxiety, depression and trauma.

@Imgoingtobefree I really appreciate your comment, you’ve worded that so perfectly. It’s so true about the guilt and responsibility im going to look into that. Thank you so much

Why are all these deadbeat men always described as an amazing dad

@JimnJoyce i honestly wouldn’t say he’s a deadbeat man either. He does have jobs, but struggles to stay in one long term but when he’s earning money he does provide and things are equal. But he’s had far too many jobs for me to count and has regular periods of in and out of work. I do think MH has a part to play but he’s just not being proactive to do anything to improve it

Because the bar is in hell. Even family annihilators are described in the media as good men, out of character, neighbours loved him, snapped, not.his.fault.

If you didnt consistently work and provide, would your children have hobbies / eat properly / have new clothes that fit?

Does his mental health impact his children in a negative way?

He is using drugs every evening. What do you think a druggie is? You really need to raise your bar. You will walk straight into another relationship that is completely unsuitable for your children if you refuse to see what a waster this one is.

For God's sake OP wake up and smell the roses and get rid of this useless prick. Your children come first so give him nothing. Your kids need your money and home.
Im old enough at 64 to have experienced many of these useless men blood sucking off me and someone else and I feel not one ounce of guilt at getting rid of any of them.

I wouldn't be with a weed smoker and no way would he be taking kids to school, clearly your very naive it takes almost 2 days for weed to get out of your system and you would fail a drugs test easily 24 + hours after smoking it

Any update OP? @Wherethewildthingsar

@ldnmusic87 sorry for not updating sooner. So the Christmas period came and I think he genuinely knew I was done with him but had agreed to let Christmas happen normally for the children. During this time, he has been going completely out of his way to make our life seemingly easier. He’s taken on the majority of house hold chores cooking etc. he has also reached out for help to stop smoking too.
However. Today I have put my foot down and have said I cannot use another credit card for general living (we needed fuel) and said could you see if your family can help? He did some work for a family member and is owed some money so I asked if he could ask for that.
he becomes annoyed. Anyway, I figure out he’s already contacted his dad yesterday using fuel as an excuse and borrowed £20 for cannabis.
I have work tomorrow, my other child at school (not walking distance). What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to cave in again as it gives him an out, but the lying that addicts do really infuriates me!!!

@WherethewildthingsarOP, you know what you need to do, you need to find the money somehow. You are obviously struggling if you cannot find £20 for fuel. You need to kick him out immediately and reach out to the correct support network so you can finally stand on your own two feet without him pulling you through the dirt. He is no good to anyone and once you have made the final chop, you will realise how much lighter you feel not having him weighing you down. You will need to use the credit card if you do not have £20 spare. I can't believe you are putting up with this?

@lilybit2025 Yep I don’t get paid until Friday and with him being out of work he was supposed to cover food plus fuel. But isn’t sticking to his end because clearly he financially can’t! I don’t have a problem with using my credit card as that’s what I have to do but I feel like it bails him out each time! Why should it always be down to me? Argh!

Are you able to have a frank discussion with his dad and explain where the money they’ve given him has ended up? They surely won’t want to be feeding the problem.

@Imbrocator I don’t want to keep bringing his family members involved as I feel like nothing changes. I’m not really sure where to go with this to be honest

So challenging, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

I suppose my suggestion for bringing it up with family members was not to shame him or make them worry or involve them unfairly but to remove an avenue that he’s using to feed the habit. I’m not sure whether it would be detrimental in other ways to have his family members simply pay you directly, but if he’s struggling to resist the temptation to spend money that’s earmarked for essentials then perhaps it not reaching his hands at all would help. It also means he has to have accountability to more than just you.

I don’t know how easy it would be for you to do this, but I do think stepping away from him for a bit might be necessary. Things aren’t good if he’s prepared to lie to you and his family in order to spend money earmarked for fuel on his addiction. At least it would give you some breathing room - it’s got to be so stressful for you to deal with this, up close, all day every day.

A slightly more left field suggestion (if his dealer isn’t a complete mercenary), is to try to explain the issue to him (or better yet have your partner explain it!) and ask that he stops supplying him, or stops supplying him beyond a certain amount. If he’s buying off a friend, or a casual dealer, this may be more of an option.