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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Break from OH

143 replies

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 12:12

I really need to leave my partner. We have two children together, he struggles to keep a job and is in a constant cycle of looking for a new role. He has been on sick leave for months now which is little to no pay. He did start counselling for his mental health and started medication although i fear he’s lying to me. He hasn’t been taking his medication because “he forgets” and has these mood swings. He told me his counselling is arranged for after Christmas although he told another family member he had it yesterday. He isn’t doing any work on himself to improve his situation, he has nothing behind him. The house, car, everything is in my name only because I have always been stable and in work. I would be reluctant to sell the house because that’s the only time he would eventually have some money and I don’t think that’s fair on me or the kids. He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person, however I fear that with things remaining like this he will never change. I will always make sure the kids don’t go without. If he had £10 to his name, his priority would be to spend it on cannabis. I don’t want to cause conflict or arguments as I don’t want either of us in a bad mood that our children pick up on. How can I best navigate my way through this?

OP posts:
DierdreDaphne · 17/12/2025 23:39

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 17/12/2025 15:22

My mum divorced my dad because her 'friends' (three women who were divorced) kept trying to convince her he was a useless dad. She divorced him and and cried for days. Her 'friends' were nowhere to be found. My brother and me hated her for what she did.

Yeah, I know, in this case the OP isn't married, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Especially these days. A lot of the big stuff is in the OP's name, but the days where any of them are affordable on one income are long gone.

Edited

She is affording it on one income!

regista · 18/12/2025 05:11

You can take legal advice on this however, if you are not married and even if he has contributed from time to time with costs and maintenance it would be next to impossible for him to show that he is entitled to a share of a house that is in your name and that you can evidence that you paid for.

This is brutal, but you could just give him notice and change the locks.

Whatever you do, put your kids first. He is an adult and he can choose his destiny, your kids do not have that luxury. Both of you have a duty to give your kids the best childhood you can, if he isn't stepping up in that department, you need to. Do not take away their home and do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

CocoKenny · 18/12/2025 05:28

toomuchfaff · 17/12/2025 12:22

He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person

No hes not. Stop making excuses for him. He'd spend his £10 on cannabis, he wont hold down a job, he lies. He ISNT A NICE PERSON OR AMAZING DAD.

You are enabling him.

I agree with this take. If he is choosing to live like this, this is a CHOICE. He can choose better, he just doesn’t want to. Look at the data and REALLY SEE what he’s telling you.

Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 18/12/2025 06:40

@Starlight7080 oh no way does he smoke it in the house. I would never allow that, so nothing of the kids smells at all - I know better. And I hate the smell. He doesn’t smoke it all day long, to be honest I don’t know actual amounts but it’ll be one or two spliffs from around 5pm

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 18/12/2025 06:42

@regista thank you that is reassuring to know. I used to moan about not being married but I think it’s a real blessing in this case!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 18/12/2025 06:43

@CocoKenny yep and that’s where I’m at with it, this is just clearly him. And I’m sick of it

OP posts:
OkWinifred · 18/12/2025 07:00

I’m not surprised you’re sick of it.

Yes, thank god you’re not married. He really hasn’t got a leg to stand on. Being a common law wife/husband was abolished 3 decades ago.

OkWinifred · 18/12/2025 07:02

…legally abolished.

Idontknowwhatmynameis · 18/12/2025 07:07

if you were a weed smoker who couldn’t keep a job, would anyone call you an amazing mum?

Gettingbysomehow · 18/12/2025 07:09

He isnt an amazing dad. He is a selfish cocklodger and you are enabling him.
My exH was like this. I eventually chucked him out because it was like looking after a baby.
And surprise, surprise as soon as I stopped enabling him he got a job and sorted his life out. He just couldn't be bothered when he was with me. That was 20 years of my ex messing around when he was with me.
I feel devastated to have been treated like that.
Chuck this loser out.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/12/2025 07:15

Idontknowwhatmynameis · 18/12/2025 07:07

if you were a weed smoker who couldn’t keep a job, would anyone call you an amazing mum?

This is 100% true. Think about it.

Also where is he getting the money for “one or two” spliff (a day?) if he’s in sick pay. Is he taking it out of the money before he pays his “share” of the household bills? Or begging you for money for them?

Whowhatwhere21 · 18/12/2025 07:38

I think you need to ask him to leave even if its just on a trial basis. I also think you are correct when you say you believe you may have been enabling him. And I don't mean that in a horrible way, I've done it myself.

My partner was similar although he did have a job, but he was hopping from different ones. His moods/depression were awful and he did nothing to help himself. I asked him to leave and it gave him the kick up the arse he needed. While he was gone he seeked help, took everything that was offered to him, tried meds, paid for private help, started a job he'd always wanted to do and after 3 years there he has just gained his qualification last month. He came back home after almost 5 months , now has a diagnosis of EUPD, hasn't had a single slip up since starting medication (which happens to be medicinal cannabis) and we've never been happier.

I'm not saying that will be the case for you guys and you may not even want that outcome. It sounds like this has gone on long enough though and you are out of other options. You can carry on as you are, and he will stay as he is as you're enabling him to get away with it, or you can try something new and let him learn to hopefully, fend for himself.

BountifulPantry · 18/12/2025 07:41

If you’re in England or Wales he has no right to your house. It’s yours- you pay the mortgage.

The only exception would be if he can show he’s made a substantial contribution to the house. Example: he paid for an extension or been responsible for the whole mortgage for many years.

Fron what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. So it’s really very simple. You end the relationship. He goes on the sofa. And you give him a deadline to get out. One month is reasonable. After one month you change the locks and he’s out.

Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 18/12/2025 08:19

@Gettingbysomehow its crazy to think they can’t change when they’re with us isn’t it? But I guess it shows two people who are just not meant for each other. But either way it’ll be better for him to stand on his own two feet once and for all

OP posts:
LoudSnoringDog · 18/12/2025 08:25

He’s not an “amazing” dad.

Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 18/12/2025 08:50

@LoudSnoringDog after reading these comments it’s made me realise how low I’ve set the bar. He’s a dad who shows up for his kids and is present EXACTLY as he should be! It’s so true that if this was the mum on the flip side we would not be called an amazing mum. I’ve woken up and smelt the BS! Ha

OP posts:
TreeDudette · 18/12/2025 09:00

It is really hard to break away once you have sub-consciously taken on responsibility for someone else's life. You worry, you feel guilty and you infantalise them in your head. I know because I had an un-employed husband who struggled to "do" life at all.

You need to grasp the guilt and do it anyway. He is an adult. He is not disabled. He is able to function but chooses not to. Mostly because he has you to do it for him. You may find he steps his game up and copes perfectly well once you remove the bubble-wrap you've been storing him. OR he won't but either way he is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. He is an adult with agency. He can go to family, he can apply for benefits, he can stay with a mate.

You need to end the relationship, give him a hard deadline to leave and harden your heart to the guilt. It gets easier honestly. My exH who'd been unemployed for 10+ years magically found a job and rented a flat once I said he could no longer live with me. We divorced, split the very little assets we had and he now has his own life. I STILL feel guilty 8 years on when I find out he is struggling but I know now that that is my own personal problem and that he really isn't my issue to fix.

Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 18/12/2025 11:03

@TreeDudette that’s a really good way to put it as I do feel guilty. But I can’t control what he does or doesn’t do - so if he isn’t actively working on himself to better the situation then that’s on him. It’s taken a long time I think for me to stop making excuses for him

OP posts:
ldnmusic87 · 18/12/2025 11:05

Surely he should be wanting to try his best for you, for his family.

PashaMinaMio · 18/12/2025 11:10

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/12/2025 12:31

You need to remove this leech from your house and your life. You are enabling his behaviour at the moment op. No more, out he goes and takes responsibility for his actions. Stop putting up with his shit, sooner or later it will affect your kids - don’t wait for that to happen.

This ^^
Kick him out. Do yourself a favour.
Basically he’s become a leeching cock-lodger.

Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 18/12/2025 11:11

@ldnmusic87 that's what I thought but his actions prove otherwise. If it was me I’d be so different so I really struggle to understand it

OP posts:
summitfever · 18/12/2025 11:31

You sound like me ten years ago op churning out the excuses and mitigations he’s told you and brainwashed you into believing. This is how he chooses to be. He’s actually threatening if you leave he’ll make you sell your kids home that you’ve worked hard for, that’s no good dad! Also the weed, financially that’s his priority, any of the little money he has should be coming straight to you. Also shit parenting. And as for the effect of it, kids might not see him smoking it but the sure as hell suffer the consequences on his mental health. I wasted 17 years for the right time…this is the right time. While your kids are too young to know much difference. He’s taking you for an absolute mug and I guarantee he won’t change. Please remove him from your home and pour your resources into yourself and your kids.

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 18/12/2025 11:42

DierdreDaphne · 17/12/2025 23:39

She is affording it on one income!

Edited
Show quote history

Only just. For now. She can be replaced at work, and even with BNPL services, she's going to find herself in very serious trouble in years to come. But as long as you convince another woman to kick out her partner/husband, that's a win for feminism, isn't it?

ClareBlue · 18/12/2025 11:43

FigTreeInEurope · 17/12/2025 14:27

A spliff on a night is the same as a glass of wine. So long as it doesn't creep into more frequently, I don't see the difference.

But if you spend your last 10 on wine or cannabis when someone else is feeding and hous your children, that's a problem.

Evaka · 18/12/2025 11:47

You are being wildly unreasonable for calling him an amazing dad and a good person. He's letting his kids down every minute of every day. Put him out on his addiction addled arse. Recite to yourself that he's NMFP - not my fucking problem - until your believe. It will come x