Break from OH

[Wherethewildthingsar]

I really need to leave my partner. We have two children together, he struggles to keep a job and is in a constant cycle of looking for a new role. He has been on sick leave for months now which is little to no pay. He did start counselling for his mental health and started medication although i fear he’s lying to me. He hasn’t been taking his medication because “he forgets” and has these mood swings. He told me his counselling is arranged for after Christmas although he told another family member he had it yesterday. He isn’t doing any work on himself to improve his situation, he has nothing behind him. The house, car, everything is in my name only because I have always been stable and in work. I would be reluctant to sell the house because that’s the only time he would eventually have some money and I don’t think that’s fair on me or the kids. He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person, however I fear that with things remaining like this he will never change. I will always make sure the kids don’t go without. If he had £10 to his name, his priority would be to spend it on cannabis. I don’t want to cause conflict or arguments as I don’t want either of us in a bad mood that our children pick up on. How can I best navigate my way through this?

@toomuchfaff

No hes not. Stop making excuses for him. He'd spend his £10 on cannabis, he wont hold down a job, he lies. He ISNT A NICE PERSON OR AMAZING DAD.

You are enabling him.

@JudgeBread · Today 12:46

Mate you've described a lazy, unemployed, druggie bum. That is NOT an amazing dad. It's not even an adequate one.

Raise your bar for yourself and more importantly for your children.

THIS! ^

Raise your bar @Wherethewildthingsar

I get so exasperated when I see these dreadful selfish men who smoke cannabis, have no job, (or don't work half the time,) contribute nothing good to their partner's life, never lift a finger to help, and have zero respect for her, being called an AMAZING DAD! 🙄

I picked YABU, for enabling him, and calling him an 'amazing dad' when he is clearly useless.

You know you need to leave this relationship @Wherethewildthingsar

@Zov hes contributing with his sick pay which is statutory so obviously doesn’t go a long way. The kids don’t see him smoking etc so I don’t want to paint the complete wrong picture because he does do a lot in other ways. But now it’s the fact he’s actually not doing anything to improve his mental health and I’ve reached a point where I’m sick of it

Okay - so he’s present with the kids, very involved, loving, caring, will be involved with school runs, bedtime bath time cooking etc etc so it’s not that he does nothing. But that’s what makes it harder because if he did it would be easier to end things.

Bin the tosser.

He's not being a good husband or partner, you deserve better.

No wonder he's a present Dad, he has no job and you support his lifestyle!

What you’ve described there is an average Mum, he’s not amazing at all.

He’s a druggie who doesn’t have a job. Raise your standards

So the house is all in your name and you aren't married?

You don't need to leave him, you need to tell him to leave.

Why is the bar so low?! Yes there are multiple ways of being a shit dad. A druggie waster OR a cold and emotionally distant earner and many other ways.

They're still shit and we wouldn't put up with it in a mother.

Cut yourself loose from this dead weight ASAP OP.

And that's why he's doing it!
Keeping you sweet and under a bit of a spell so that you don't realize the extent to which you are being exploited.

'I really need to leave my partner.' - correct

'He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person.' - incorrect

I’m guessing that in some respects it would negatively impact on you if he’s currently doing a lot of childcare and household stuff? And if he leaves where would he see the DC?

A lot of people here are very black and white about these situations, this man clearly isn’t a monster but is inadequate as a partner and unable to meet your needs @Wherethewildthingsar . And that’s really the issue regarding your long term future.

Separation sounds sensible but with planning and discussions that allow for minimal disruption for your DC. For your long term happiness it needs to happen. He might sort himself out periodically but he is who he is and is unlikely to miraculously change.

Do you have other support?

A spliff on a night is the same as a glass of wine. So long as it doesn't creep into more frequently, I don't see the difference.

The situation isn't sustainable. You have to reach a point in your own mind where you realise that you have to make your partner leave, for everyone's wellbeing.
If he makes the necessary changes that he needs to make than you can potentially consider the relationship again with him. However, at the moment you are enabling him to continue to avoid treatment.
He's got mental health issues, he's smoking cannabis, can't hold down a job and is lying/avoiding counselling. You and your children deserve better.

Jus the mention of cannabis tells you all you need to know. He's a loser and always will be. Avoid men that take drugs especially if they spend their last £10 on it.
Appalling role model for your kids too. Kick him out.

This. ^ LMFAO at the poster who said a spliff is no worse than a glass of wine. FFS there's always one...🙄

The few people I know who use cannabis/smoke spliffs don't seem to be very smart people. I avoid them as much as possible, as they tend to be quite boring, don't have much interesting to say, and tend to come out with outlandish, hard-to-believe stories... 90% of the time, their stories are found to be made up, or very exaggerated.

@Wherethewildthingsar You are enabling this man and making soooo many excuses for him, that I don't think anyone on here can help you. I'm not even sure why you posted really, because you're poo-pooing all the posts from people who are giving you good advice, by saying 'oh but he's such a nice man' and 'he's such a good dad!' Seriously?!

.

I think you’re all right. I do have a flexible job so I wouldn’t be negatively impacted with childcare as I used to do school runs myself and then head to work when he was in employment so I’m not worried about that. I do also have lots of family to call on for support if needed. We are not married, mortgage is in my name, car is in my name etc

He’s a deadbeat dad

@Tammygirl12 i guess my perception of a dead beat dad is different because I can’t call him that unfortunately. He does everything to not let them down however it may be because I have enabled this

He has said to me before that he would expect me to sell the house as he’d have nowhere to go. I’ve told him I wouldn’t up tip the 3 of us just for his benefit. When he has been in work he has of course contributed to the mortgage payments and done work at the house. But where do I stand in this situation?

You've got yourself an adult child here. You say that he's kind-hearted Well that's great. So our children most of the time. That doesn't mean that their financially independent. The agreement with your husband was that you were both work, to support your family and he is not holding up his end of the agreement. This isn't a recent thing, you said he's always done this. He's so bloody lucky that you guys live somewhere where if he can leave a job, he can eventually pick up another one, where I am, even the most talented skilled and experienced workers struggle for months if not half a year to pick up a low skill/low earning job. Our market is oversaturated with competence. Your husband went last year at all. He's very lucky that he can afford to take and then lose jobs.

I would never put up with this. If basically you're already supporting the family, you're better off just doing it yourself and your kids. Simplify your life because he's certainly not making it easier

You are not married, the house is in your name.
He has paid you rent occasionally, but mostly lives off you.
No he doesn't get a penny from your house.
Cheeky fxxker.

My mum divorced my dad because her 'friends' (three women who were divorced) kept trying to convince her he was a useless dad. She divorced him and and cried for days. Her 'friends' were nowhere to be found. My brother and me hated her for what she did.

Yeah, I know, in this case the OP isn't married, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Especially these days. A lot of the big stuff is in the OP's name, but the days where any of them are affordable on one income are long gone.

he would expect me to sell the house

He would be very sorely mistaken. Hes lived rent free for how long? contributing half of fk all. He has absolutely no rights whatsoever to your house (youre unmarrried so the house isnt a marital asset), he has contributed toward some outgoings, that is all.