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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Break from OH

143 replies

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 12:12

I really need to leave my partner. We have two children together, he struggles to keep a job and is in a constant cycle of looking for a new role. He has been on sick leave for months now which is little to no pay. He did start counselling for his mental health and started medication although i fear he’s lying to me. He hasn’t been taking his medication because “he forgets” and has these mood swings. He told me his counselling is arranged for after Christmas although he told another family member he had it yesterday. He isn’t doing any work on himself to improve his situation, he has nothing behind him. The house, car, everything is in my name only because I have always been stable and in work. I would be reluctant to sell the house because that’s the only time he would eventually have some money and I don’t think that’s fair on me or the kids. He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person, however I fear that with things remaining like this he will never change. I will always make sure the kids don’t go without. If he had £10 to his name, his priority would be to spend it on cannabis. I don’t want to cause conflict or arguments as I don’t want either of us in a bad mood that our children pick up on. How can I best navigate my way through this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 15:27

@Coalday we were together when I bought the house. I basically did it in my name - I saved the deposit because again he wasn’t in a good financial position. But then he has done work at the house to save us money. But I definitely won’t be selling

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 15:28

I would probably be eligible for some financial support from universal credit if we did split. I could make it work without having to get into debt. He’s been on sick for months now and has made it clear he isn’t going back to that job.

OP posts:
Frozenbiscuit5 · 17/12/2025 15:48

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 15:06

He has said to me before that he would expect me to sell the house as he’d have nowhere to go. I’ve told him I wouldn’t up tip the 3 of us just for his benefit. When he has been in work he has of course contributed to the mortgage payments and done work at the house. But where do I stand in this situation?

He can 'expect' whatever he wants, it doesn't mean you have to do it. Tell him he needs to move out, you are not selling the house or financially supporting him, he needs to work out how he is going to support himself from now on.
If he wants to fight you for equity out of the house, it is an expensive process he likely wouldn't actually go through with, so I wouldn't worry. Worst case scenario you'd have to get a higher mortgage or loan to repay him his cut. But I'm doubting he has actually contributed much. If he was just transferring you some money every now and again when he did work, then unless he was pretty explicit it was for mortgage payments rather than has or electric, water, food etc, then he'd struggle to prove anything
You're responsible for making sure your kids are provided for, not providing for him

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 17/12/2025 15:50

He’s an amazing dad ………If he had £10 to his name, his priority would be to spend it on cannabis

He’s not an amazing dad.

Maray1967 · 17/12/2025 15:51

Fidgety31 · 17/12/2025 12:16

An amazing dad would not spend his last £10 on cannabis. An amazing dad would be setting a good example and role model behaviour to his children.
Wake up and stop making excuses for him . He’s a loser and you and your children will be better off living away from him.
it’s your house - so kick him out . Your job am your priority is to look after your children’s welfare - not to avoid upsetting your loser partner .

This. Spending his last £10 on weed rules him out of being an amazing Dad.

He is a drug user. Get rid of him,

Eyeshadow · 17/12/2025 16:03

You say he is on sick leave - is that for a job or does he get pip or something?

How old are the kids?

MrsDoubtingMyself · 17/12/2025 16:14

Everything is in your name and you're not married. My understanding is that you can tell him to leave and change the locks. However I think there might be some caveat if he has lived there a long time. I'd check with Citizens Advice first.

Definitely find out how to get rid of him, imo

Hes not a good Dad. He might be happy to help with the kids. That doesn't make him a good Dad

Sneesellsseashells · 17/12/2025 16:20

Has he ADHD? Everything you have written points that way and the cannibas is self medicating. If so is he ever likely to do things to improve his situation? Based on past patterns of behaviour it seems extremely unlikely.

Superscientist · 17/12/2025 17:00

I wouldn't say he is a dead beat dad nor an amazing dad either.

The things you listed for him being "amazing" are pretty much what I would expect from all parents
Feeding, loving, bathing, putting to bed children is literally the role of a parent. Doing it doesn't make you amazing it makes you competent and good enough parent.

An amazing parent would prioritise their children over drugs. An amazing parent would want to do the best they can to provide for their family and wouldn't want to be kicking them out of their home for a free ride

I get I have life long mental illness and not currently working but I working damn hard on improving that and looking at alternatives job options that allow me to do what I need for me and be there for my children.

Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 17:18

@Eyeshadow hes on sick leave from his job. Kids are 4 and 1

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 17:21

@Sneesellsseashells he probably has and has been in touch with the GP but he’s not willing to actually do anything to help himself. With this time off he’s not doing anything to improve his mental state, even something simple like going for a walk each day to clear his head. Even bed times, he falls asleep on the sofa every night before coming up to bed because he refuses to have a bed time ha

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 17:21

@Superscientist yeah you are right 100%. He’s not actively working on himself so that this never happens again, so I’m sure this will just continue as it has done

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 17:22

@MrsDoubtingMyself ah really. I suspect he’s done some research on this to be honest. But surely I wouldn’t have to sell up to just give him a share of the equity? In this market I’d struggle to find something again, and even renting would cost a hell of a lot more

OP posts:
ldnmusic87 · 17/12/2025 17:29

He has no reason to change, he lives a life like a student in the 90s!

Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 17:31

@ldnmusic87 I think splitting up might force him to get his act together!

OP posts:
MrsDoubtingMyself · 17/12/2025 19:27

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 17:22

@MrsDoubtingMyself ah really. I suspect he’s done some research on this to be honest. But surely I wouldn’t have to sell up to just give him a share of the equity? In this market I’d struggle to find something again, and even renting would cost a hell of a lot more

Do some research with the CAB and a free 30 minute solicitor appointment

grumpygrape · 17/12/2025 21:12

Does he drive the car with the children in it ? If he does are you 100% sure he isn’t drug driving ?

Starlight7080 · 17/12/2025 21:33

Its the weed. He wont improve until he stops it.
Also I really hope he doesn't smoke in your house . I bet the kids things/clothing's stink . Not to mention its awful for them to breath in.

OkWinifred · 17/12/2025 21:48

If the house is solely in your name, thankfully he hasn’t got a leg to stand on,

It’s not your fault, BUT yes you are definitely enabling him.

Cannabis is wrecking his MH, but why should he give it up, when he’s got you to fall back on financially, and he’s got no responsibilities.

He’s basically living the life of a pampered Poodle.

Never sell YOUR house. How dare he put pressure on you to liquidate YOUR asset, which will one day benefit his children!

Morecoombe · 17/12/2025 21:58

Urgh a cannabis smoker 🤢 - get rid!

Swiftie1878 · 17/12/2025 22:20

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 17:22

@MrsDoubtingMyself ah really. I suspect he’s done some research on this to be honest. But surely I wouldn’t have to sell up to just give him a share of the equity? In this market I’d struggle to find something again, and even renting would cost a hell of a lot more

You’re not married, he’s entitled to nothing.
Stop enabling this loser.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 17/12/2025 22:26

He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person,..If he had £10 to his name, his priority would be to spend it on cannabis

and so kindhearted he expects yours and your children’s home sold so he can take cash from the sale and leave you without stable accommodation for you and your children. And likely not a penny in maintenance either from this bum.

Such an amazing dad wants his children’s home sold so he can smoke cannabis...

Op, see a solicitor.

MO0N · 17/12/2025 23:13

The bloke is a blagger.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/12/2025 23:18

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 13:42

@Zov hes contributing with his sick pay which is statutory so obviously doesn’t go a long way. The kids don’t see him smoking etc so I don’t want to paint the complete wrong picture because he does do a lot in other ways. But now it’s the fact he’s actually not doing anything to improve his mental health and I’ve reached a point where I’m sick of it

He’s not an amazing dad because not only is he not doing anything to improve his mental health, he’s actively destroying it with cannabis.

You say they don’t see him smoking it. But they sure as hell live with the consequences.

5128gap · 17/12/2025 23:30

All your hard work, your sacrifices and the compromises you're making in your own life and your children's are doing no more than keeping him a couple of jnches from rock bottom. He isn't happy and he isn't well with you, but you're keeping him functioning at just a high enough level to stop him having to make changes.
Tell him you want him to move back to his parents and concentrate on getting well because you can't be all things to everyone and you need to focus on the DC.
Controversially, my view is its not always a good idea to say the separation is permanent at the off set. If his MH is that bad, it may be too much to manage if he has no hope at all, and you may find he acts up in all sorts of difficult ways. So I'd go step by step. Concentrate on getting him out of the house first.

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